Dear Christopher

Dear Christopher,

It has been a while since we have talked and I wonder if we ever will again.  I know the reasons you and I don't have a good relationship but it still breaks my heart.  I didn't raise you nor was I a part of your life.  How could I be when your dad moved away with you and I couldn't find you?  I suppose that is really no excuse since I should have been clean and sober and then maybe the bi-polar wouldn't have been as bad and I, maybe, could have raised you myself.

We have tried on different occasions to get to know each other but it never seems to work.  What ever the reasons, bottom line is that I wasn’t there for you during your childhood as a mother should be.

I have missed you terribly since you moved back to California.  I miss you and I miss the kids.  Knowing I will never see them again nor will I meet Alexis tears me to pieces inside.  Not only wasn’t I a mother, now I will never be allowed to be a grandmother.  The stories I long to tell my granddaughters and my grandson will forever remain unspoken, locked inside of my soul.

I know you were calling me sometimes.  Until, until you told me to f*&% my recovery and go get loaded.  I remember telling you not to call me until you were sober and hanging up.  You may think that meant I don’t love you at all.  What it meant, son, is that for the first time since I first breathed air, I believe in myself and in what I can achieve that I will not risk it for anyone or anything.  I do understand your reasons for not believing in me or my sobriety.  The thing is that I do, finally, and I will not allow anyone to attempt to get me to give up my dream of living a healthy life, free from drugs.

For years, I have let you and everyone else, say and do what ever to me because I didn’t think I deserved any better.  I wanted a relationship with my children so badly that I put up with the constant put downs, the calling me crazy, the cruel looks that said more than the words.  I would buy drugs for you so that you might love me.  No more, son.  No more.

If, and that is a mighty big if, you ever choose to call me sober, we can begin again.  I just want you to understand that it will be free from the influence of drugs and alcohol.

I do love you, Christopher, but I love you enough to let you go.

Love forever,

Viyanna
(mom)