A fever washes over me,
thick as the sultry air
that settles over the flower garden.
I journey out, in search of a stray breeze.
Cloaked only by the darkness
and a grove of old oak trees.
Moist loam
tangos between my toes.
Crickets chant to the missing moon
lost somewhere,
behind the ubiquitous clouds
that paint the midnight sky
grey.
It’s hot out here.
An owl hoots
calling to its mate.
I watch fireflies spangle the wood
with a thousand shooting stars.
A whippoorwill trills it haunting song.
Frogs serenade the mirror captured pond.
The music of the night calls out to me
and I begin to set my spirit free.
Slowly at first
I lift my hair,
and let it
feather
down.
I arch my back,
twirl and dip,
swaying
to a beat
that few can hear.
The heat of the night
caresses me
sending saline
shivering along my skin.
I am a vessel
filled with fine wine
condensation stroking
the curve of my hips.
I draw in the humid air,
to sparkle on my breasts.
Drip
down
upon my thighs.
Time passes unnoticed.
The clouds vanish.
Dewdrops gather and fall.
Finally
a subtle breeze,
whispers in my ear.
as I dance on…
bathed in sweat
and moonlight.
Patricia Gibson~Williams
Author notes
Prompt: She Dances (In Nothing But Sweat) Hope I didn't cheat by adding the moonlight.
I'm not sure this is finished. Suggestion are very welcome.
A contest entry
- She Dances (In Nothing But Sweat) by Glasyalabolas.
1400 points, ended April 15, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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The wording in this piece makes it very sensuous, very visual in the mind of the reader, I know, to me at least, that the mental image painted by the words is highly erotic...very hot.
I really love the vessel filled with fine wine analogy, though I will spare you the visuals that it sparks off in my head.
Good write.
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I am surprisingly very intrigued by this poem in particular. The metaphor involving your body and a vessel of fine wine is the type of imagery that I find most amusing. It is such a vivid and attractive image! You apply all the senses, and I applaud you! There could be some more punctuation, as I feel it is easily the biggest tool in writing poetry.
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As you say, it needs some punctuation to make things clearer but there's a lot of promise here, so don't go away and forget about it!
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Thank you. I made some changes. Still not sure if it's quite right, but it will get there.
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I apologize greatly for clicking on the featured link, I was attempting to add a poem and clicked too far over when checking my background color...
On a different note, I did read the poem, although it's not generally what I'm into reading, but I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised. I enjoyed your poem. It was vague, but discriptive enough to let your mind fill in the words and actions that you did not discuss. It's very open for the reader to digest. Very good job.
Much Love,
Jessica -
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That's OK. I just did that last night. Worse it was a poet whose style I don't care for. What I usually do if I click on something I really can't get into is look at a couple of other poems by the same poet and try to find one that seems more my style. As much as I hate vacuous praise, I hate to totally trash a poet even worse. I try to find something that I can at least give a kind or funny comment to. I’m glad that you didn’t hate my poem. LOL After reading a few of yours, I do have some that I think you might enjoy more. I’d like it if you’d check out a few more of mine and let me know what you think. Thank you Patti
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Fascinating
This was an enchanting poem filled
with mystery and wonder.
The images you created with your
brilliant scribe is amazing.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.
A mastepiece of sheer beauty
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Thank you. Patti
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You're right about the punctuation but I think the picture goes well with the poem.
A fever washes over me,
thick as the sultry air that settles,
over the flower garden.
I journey out, in search of a stray breeze -
cloaked only by the darkness
and a grave of old oak trees.
Just to get you started. =) -
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I made some changes before I studied your suggestions. I think I'll have to revise it a bit more now. Thank you for the help. Patti
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Oooo
wow i dont know what to say...this was verry good and had alot of image..i was lost in a poetic world..verry nice!!!!!
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Thank you very much.
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