There was an emptiness in the air
unaccustomed silence, red sky
thick cloudy night holding heat
summer's heavy breath close to ground
the air touched my skin
and left a whisper, touched my eyes
to make them watery and soft,
to give back more than was needed,
to this close breath of night.
Then music, dull and distant,
drifted from some unknown place
as bursts of laughter spiked the pauses.
My hopes for quick sleep long passed
I closed eyes to fill the space kept for dreams
and drifted, drifted slowly to you
to happiness in nights
that would not let sleep
or closed eyes stay long
when you were there, and soft eyes
returned my adoration of silver light
in dim night, and lips that made pillows
how I touched you
with these aching fingertips,
and how I loved you,
by my happiness, I showed you've become
the estranged part of me...never quite mine,
neither all without or within;
but always in the words that I breathe,
heavy, close...in the night.
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Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Awesome, the imagery so beautiful, full of emotion, I can really relate.
Excellent
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Peteskid
the imagery carries such weight that it rests heavy on my heart, it makes me ache with the feelings that you poured into the poem. It lacks nothing! causing me to long for people whose names I've even forgotten, that's how poignant it is.
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LOVED IT!
it was amazing! Seriously! -
I adore this...
Beautiful and filled with emotion and beauty...
This is going in my favorites
Lynda
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Yea, I like this, seen you were in the spotlight so thought i'd check it out. Emotional, sincere, and full of imagery. I can see why you were nominated, well done, one to be proud of.
Floorboards.
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wow... thats a stunning poem.. i really dont know what to say.. your amazing...
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I find this write no less than a master peice. You have mixed your words so ewelll that the reader can see the picture that you have painted with well thought out words.
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Deep and sleep
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I found myself lost in the imagry and emotion of this beautifully written piece PK.
What a scene you created! A summer night with its usual sounds, life and the world revolving beside a longing heart seeking dreams to quell the ache of absence.
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I usually do not read long poems, but tried this one. The words are most loving, but I had trouble with the line breaks; which are too many to mention. In the end, I enjoyed reading your work.
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Always in the words I breathe...wow stunning line. You were never quite there... In dreams or in life. Stunning poem my friend. ~Sie
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I love the poetic language that you have used within the poem layout.
the last line really brought a spark
'but always in the words that I breathe,
heavy, close...in the night.'
it sounds like you are in a very deep relationship
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I started to read this poem and had a few problems. The imagery is done well but the lines are too fragmented, there is little or no control over the flow.
The concept is good and only to real specific things to change aside from above, what does "spiked the pauses" mean? There is music and some unknown pauses? My mind is having trouble visualizing distant music and then laughter nearby keeping the narrator awake. The only other thing is whenever I see the word love in a poem, I hope it is not relying on the word as an abstract feeling, which in this case it is. I would somehow tie it with a metaphor(simile), or let the reader know what it was like to love this person, whatever, not just, "how I loved you"
Thanks for sharing. -
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Then music, dull and distant,
drifted from some unknown place
as bursts of laughter spiked the pauses.
My hopes for quick sleep long passed
This was meant to be an impression, the idea that this is how it sounded...spiked the pauses, when music was not...then laughter was more evident...again just the impressions/thoughts of someone reacting to sensory things...
thanks for digging...really appreciate it...PK
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a good poem though i was aware when reading of the word 'eyes' being used a lot? read it back now i have mentioned it and see.
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Thanks so much for reading and the comments...very much appreciated...PK
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I guess what I love most about this poem is that it is so absolutely palpable, tangible, sensory. The images are not unusual, but the presentation of them is like nothing else. I think the heightened senses add to that dream-like quality, for sure, and yet also make the memories so real to experience as you read. The perspective at the end just awes me...and that last line, the most sensory of them all just lingers in the mind, in the breathing. I've read this many times over the last few days and that effect has not diminished. Wonderful poetry!
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