Leaves adhere
to breaths of air
etched forevermore
into the soul of the earth;
forever subordinate
to the ways of ageless beings
Magnificent redwoods
leaning, swaying
powerless to overcome
warfare waged upon stillness;
storm winds blow them
withering, drooping, dying
Rivers run wild
overcome by exhausting suffering
peacefullness spoiled
dehydrating once bountiful waters;
ends the life of the spring
reducing it all to nothingness
Helpless onlookers cry out
but what can overtake powers of hell?
Endless devices bursting out from depths unknown
ready to mutilate day
and overtake night.
In a list
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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83
Originality 9
Creativity/Poetic device 8
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 8
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 8
Impact/Reaction 8
mechanics: 4
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 3
syntax: 4
Title: 4
overall opinion: 4
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
Total possible: 100
I don't know why, but you kind of remind me of me going through Teen Idol last year (remember that?).
I'm going to agree with Tyler. I think you need to control things a bit by flowing your imagery together better. But good job. -
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Yeah, I definately remember that!
Thank you!
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85
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 8/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 3/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 85
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Thanks Laura!
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80
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 7/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 2/5
syntax: 3/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 3/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 80
The use of gerunds really was your downfall. Gerunds are words ending in "ing". The repetitive sound jarred in my mind and I hoped you would've come up with other ways to express your ideas.
The content itself is good for the most part. I thought you told more than you showed - so there wasn't a consistent, cohesive style. It bounced back between creative to flat to creative to flat to...etc. However, this is much better than last round. Overall it's pretty good.
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Thank you! I do use gerunds too much... I reread it after your comment and it really brings down the piece. I'll try to use them minimally next round.
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"Helpless onlookers cry out
but what can overtake powers of hell?" I love this line!!! It's so helpless and haunting...it's kind of like those movies and stories when all the characters know the end of the world is coming but there's nothing they can do. Haha.
"withering, drooping, dying" I liked this bit, but I think you can find a better word than dying. I really liked withering and drooping, nice descriptive words. Dying is just so cliche, I think you can find something stronger.
I liked this. Nice imagery, and I loved the sort of dark vibe it carries. The title set the mood very well.
Best of luck.
Love Always,
Caroline
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Powerful
Poweful ode to nature and all her beauty that we are edestroying ourselves. Good luck to you in this contest -
Same, its better now though.
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thanks
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My suggestions:
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take out "the"...all of them and re-read this piece and you'll notice where you actually need it. (you'll be surprised)
2.
that final stanza requires some editing - it isn't as strong as it needs to be for the ending (which, incidentally, i believe to be very strong without the use of that final line). yet - i believe it merely requires a little re-wording. The questions are ineffective and the repetition of the word "powers" in consecutive lines sticks out like a sore thumb. Have a play with it
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I took them out and only readded about two... I never noticed that!
I changed the final stanza, rewording the final line. Do you think I should still remove it or is it better worded in this way? -
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That was quick! That reads much better without the filler-words
I don't know about that final line...follow your instinct
& good luck!!
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Okay. Thanks a lot!
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Firstly and I must apologise...I can't read this when all start-words per line are capitalised...it's my biggest peeve and distracts me too much to absorb the content. Please edit and apply capital letters only where punctuation dictates it & then IM me and I'll return to offer my suggestions.
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Sorry about that! I tend to do that sometimes...
It should be better now. -
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lol
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RAPE!!
The native american in me cries out for the sanctity of the natural world. All that was once beautiful and good has been or will be destroyed by human hands... *cries*
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