Half regrets
hanging half said
where boldness and timidity
battle for catharsis.
And it just keeps raining
like it’s never going to stop.
Great swathes
of grey cloud
in differing degrees
of indifference
pretending
to be the perfect blue
It’s always been about doh-ray-ME
Soh-fah so good!
I won’t ever be
your goddamn
upside down trapeze artist
with all the tassels and twirls.
Self pity is self indulgence -
- growing resentment
lovingly nurtured
fed by sweet euphoria
Memories
rising groaning
wincing
into existence
Stop trying to warp the weft
of the inevitable.
Author notes
PROMPT: Air Water
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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life is warping the weft of inevitable
or rather the attempt of doing it
a trapeze artist is inevitable upside down
unless is flying
that's why an artist is a bit more than a swinger
or a hanger
there are only a few things blue in this world
the rest is an illusion given by grey complementarity
as the word indifference defines: no difference
"the devil" is not in the details but in the generalities
only its presence is revealed (by their absence) -
92
Originality 8
Creativity/Poetic device 8
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 10
Impact/Reaction 9
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 4
syntax: 5
Title: 4
overall opinion: 5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
Total possible: 100 -
91
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 8/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 3/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 4/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 91
-
90
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 8/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 3/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 4/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 90
I loved this. Last round, it's as if you were having an identity crisis, but here there's a lot of personality - and I feel like I've gotten to know more of you. So what if it's an angrier side? It's still you - and what you have here is intense and hit me hard.
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Thank you Kindly :)
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I really liked this.
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Your voice is really strong and passionate in this, I love it. I can seriously hear your attitude and frustration in the stanza about the trapeze artist. Really great job with that.
"Great swathes
of grey cloud
in differing degrees
of indifference
pretending
to be the perfect blue" Great, really great.
"It’s always been about doh-ray-ME
Soh-fah so good!" Cool and unique.
I love, love, love your ending. It just has that great finished feeling and is just harsh and blunt and just awesome!!!!! Haha.
Best of luck.
Love Always,
Caroline
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Stop trying to warp the weft
of the inevitable.
Thats what I had to tell myself over and over again when I had to break it off with my ex. I really like this peice of work you have here especially about the goddamn trapexe artist you sound pissed and you should be! Love sux and you showed that here good luck in this contest! -
I like this
It is very creative, I like the emotional build up interwoven with this. Nicely done. Good luck in the contest,
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you got it
Good luck!
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Suggestions:
1.
"Half regrets hanging half said
boldness and timidity
battling for catharsis."
Line 1 doesn't connect to Line 2 here.
I also think that the speech in Line 4 is superfluous to requirement and takes away the impact of the previous 3 lines.
2.
Stanza 2 would benefit from more effective line-breaking because then the emphasis will be placed upon the correct words.
3.
"It’s always been about doh-ray-ME
Deal with it!"
I like the originality of this...but, I don't like "Deal with it!"...I think you could say that differently and more uniquely.
4.
"I won't be your god
damn upside down
trapeze artist with all the tassels and twirls."
The cohesion between those lines is somewhat iffy and would benefit from proper usage of punctuation.
5.
"Your building resentment
just feeds my sweet euphoria
with memories
rising
groaning
wincing their way
back into existence"
This part is a little too wordy and can be trimmed down:
"Building resentments
feed sweet euphoria
with memories
rising and groaning-
wincing ways
back into existence"
it just tidies it up a little, adds emphasis to important words and reads better within the overall flow of the piece.
6.
"Stop trying to warp the weft
of the unattainable."
I love that bit and believe it to be a strong enough ending without the 2 lines that follow it.
The edits are minor ones and only my suggestions, you are not being asked to implement them...this is your write and ultimately, that is your choice
Give me a shout if you edit and I'll return to re-read.
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at the weft made damn
of the torrent headwaters
blue fish rises
only to glimpse
the greed-cats swiping paw
upon the transparent surface
where air bubbles pop to vaporous naught
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aire and water - it felt like an out you go poem lol a relationship in the muddy depths, there is only one way out, up. and the dead are left behind
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