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On The Subject of Moving Forward


I no longer want to see

the parallel between

crossing your eyes and

crucifying your perception.


With icy snow

like glass shards jutting from cuts, these

perfect weapons slowly vanish

before I splash their remains

on my imagination.


Too many stretch the truth

like gum until it’s able to be molded.

They spin it like thread

and weave our dimensions on the

un-heaving chests of mothers passed –

confusing constructed and eidetic memories.


The quieter you are

the more you can hear,

but as everyone is silent

they emit white noise as

technical prose;

and we’re forced to sulk in dimensions

multiplied and compounded

serving fractals of an infinite regression –

standing bare in cosmic webs of

mistified yet visible e=mc motions.


Of course nothing is un-veiled

as truth cannot be without truth to begin with;

and with limited understanding

you can only re-veil in present perfect tense.


Author notes

AP Name: Keyser Soze

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • RechercheCadaver
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    How unusual! I like "but as everyone is silent
    they emit white noise" especially, which for some reason reminded me of David Hume, and how our perceptions are distorted by time and memory. "everyone is silent
    they emit white noise" Yes they do, I actually noticed that in silence and stillness there is always noise under the surface. It's as if we can't help communicating even when we try to let go and be completely still in thought word and deed. Thought provoking piece which is suggestive of much, but subtle enough to leave the reader with enough to ponder.


  • Antebellum
    March 26
    Edit | Reply
    the end confused me lol.
    other than that great job.


  • Paloszoo gold member
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    Very profound piece. Had a little bit of a hard time following it, though. Thanks for entering my contest! Good luck! I'm honored to have you show your work here!


  • Cant force beloved
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this part:

    "Too many stretch the truth
    like gum until it’s able to be molded.
    They spin it like thread"

    that was very nice and agreeable


  • JinSays gold member
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    You know, I really enjoyed this poem, except for the very last line.

    you can only re-veil in present perfect tense

    okay, call me an idiot, but I really have a hard time wrapping my brain around that concept.
    What is it I need to carry away with me?

    The rest of the poem is wonderful, there's a few spots where the cliche is actually helpful instead of bogging what you really mean to say, and that's a clever thing to do.

    Overall, I'd say you have a winner here. I wish you the best.
    Love,
    jin

  • patrick20traveler
    March 22
    Edit | Reply
    Awww, come on. You can't really mean that!

  • Thor-201
    March 22
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent


  • Darianna
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    I do agree with Wbiro on the scaring 90% of readers and writers here with this kind of writing. I'm left feeling a bit dumb...both of mouth and of intelligence after reading this. I applaud all who can write like this and understand it though. I'm sure if I was to really analyse it and ponder it for a very long time I might get to some sort of an understanding. However, me personally, I prefer simpler poetry that I don't have to scratch my head too hard at. I'm sorry this comment hasn't been a whole heap of help, or of use to your growth, but I'd rather leave you something, even if it is a bit of an apology.

    Best wishes, and good luck in the contests you are entered in!

    Dari xxx


  • wbiro gold member
    March 21

    Edit | Reply
    Hey, since you just entered the Constructive Criticism group, I might as well show you how I do it... did you change the title, or replace it with a new piece? I saw a different title a few minutes ago... now I've changed titles while a piece was featured, if it wasn't receiving any hits (with mixed results!) it probably honed my title-creating ability, if nothing else...

    alright, first impression first- you have a sophisticated visual presentation here, it will scare away 90% of the readers/writers on this site lol... sad but true, but philosophically speaking, does that make light readers less important? Only in a group of philosophers, among which I'm initially suspecting that this piece belongs... so, let me begin reading...

    but first, let me guess the subject by the title... "moving on"... I'm guessing it is about human relationship, most particularly about soured love (and how easy that can happen! One little thing and "poof"!) I see you got "glass shards" out of your system lol I think I've used it a few times myself... I like the notion of eyes being the perfect weapons, that was good, and original, I suspect... and perhaps from a painful observation from life (with my sympathy)...

    During the third "stanza" (the proper term for non-rhyming sections of verse escapes me at the moment) I was gauging whether this piece was influence by any current academic vogues, and happily I did not find any... so you are an "outsider" as the industry dubs it...

    so, you said something in the third stanza, but it bounced off my forehead during the first read, my being distract by the above activity... let me dissect it now, slowly... the first four lines are straight-forward, then the last two are mysterious, with the heaving mothers and the eidetic (pardon me while I go refresh myself on the definition of that!) (I find Google works the best if I also type "definition" into the search box) ah, vivid recall of details... OK, now I can read it with comprehension... I think the whole segment would work better if you change the "too many" to something else, don't know what yet... maybe lovers or something...

    now, to unravel the first five lines of the fourth 'segment' (the proper word still escapes me!) it seems contradictory- being able to hear more, but emitting white noise... I now see and appreciate the analogy of technical prose as white noise, maybe you should quality that as "read as white noise", for most readers have thick foreheads! (either by design or by choice)...

    the segment ends with an abstract soup, I'd get rid of the "the" before "dimensions"... I am now trying to apply meaning to "infinite regressions" as they relate to relationships, the reader will wonder if you were actually trying to communicate an observation on life or were just playing with words... I like the e = mc motions, clever...

    nice God sentence, but with religions types you'll hit a nerve, as they tend to brace for the negative in secular writes... yours is of course not negative, but impartially speculative... and, as logic goes, valid, maybe...! For with God, we are not dealing with the logical, but with blind faith (and usually emotional blind faith!)...

    the last two lines deal with human perceptions (I now wonder if "lower" forms of life see things without a clouded veil, especially the clouded veil of emotions, for humans are after all the only species with a sense of humor, for example)...

    Well, it is a nice piece for a philosophical types who have the inclination to unravel it... hey, I forgot about those heaving breasts of the mothers! What was that all about... let's see if I can figure it out without your explanation... (and I see this piece was entered in a "title" contest, so I'm suspecting this isn't the same poem I saw a few minutes ago, something about "truth", as I recall...)

    unheaving chests, must be dead mothers! Maybe a reference to the saying, "I swear upon my mother's grave!" and now the "constructed and eidetic memories" become clear... yes, anything that is not quantifiable with math is pure subjectivity, but a force to be reckoned with nevertheless...!

    I see you struck a nerve with a few commenters... maybe you're on to something in regards to the philosophical portion of our female counterparts... (probably a small percentage when compared to the emotional!)

    so, weaving it all back to the title, I'll conclude that love can be ruined by perceptions which are rarely accurate when it comes to what other people are thinking/feeling, although I became very good at it in high school... almost forty years ago... agh! but I did use it to predict- and to manipulate, I confess...










    • Keyser Soze
      March 23
      Edit | Reply
      First, thank you for such a thought provoking critique.

      The title came from a title prompt contest. It’s an interesting exercise in framing that led you to the topic of love. You cited ‘moving on’ when the title actually states ‘moving forward’. This however, is not to say that you are wrong. Any ambiguity in my work is only to allow multiple pieces to live within each...

      Ha, yeah... I laughed at myself for ‘glass shards’ as well. But I didn’t use it because it was overused or perhaps even a little cliche, but because I thought it fit. First bringing in the feeling of ‘brittle’, and second the pottery built of shards, different colored(bruises) pieces melted together but not all the way like a Frankenstein monster; allowing for a texture of unfinished mending (if it’s possible to do so completely).

      And I commend you on perceiving eyes as the ‘perfect weapons’. At least it was my impression that this metaphor was the more subtle. The obvious one, then at least, would be the snow itself as it melts away leaving no evidence; the cold of loss, and of course the truth after lies. The remains of which, while keeping with the water analogy, would be merely remembering and allowing to live in the imagination/sub-conscious for a minute.

      ‘Too many’ is again ambiguous to mean lovers, and the many who would lie, etc. But you have the ‘un-heaving chests’ down. It speaks of the ‘mothers’ (those who give birth) that have passed, or have come before. In essence, it speaks of time. It is the pretense to ‘infinite regression’ where, while there is a ‘circle of life’, it is only linear; and this line has no provable or seeable beginning or end. Everything that was, however, affects what is now or happens next. This, of course, could be placed in your interpretation of love and the relationship cycle.

      The ‘constructed and eidetic memories’ is a contrast between the types of memories. Constructed memories are from the psychological process of humans to ‘play out’ different scenarios in their minds; everything from eating a fruit to committing homicide. It’s from these scenarios that we make our decisions. Eidetic memories refers to what’s more thought of as photographic memory, but it’s essence is that they are memories that actually happened.

      Speaking of contrasts, you are right about the contradictory notions of hearing more when you’re quiet and the white noise emitted in silence. This simple contrast brings in so many images it’s hard to spell out, but the biggest thing to note is the ‘fact’ that ‘common knowledge/logic’ is wrong; sort of. While it’s true that you can hear what you couldn’t have, the ‘white noise’ is pent up stress, or more lies (or the choosing between which lie to believe or which lie has the more truth), which of course can all be easily applied to a failing relationship. Then of course, the quantum theory is applied with ‘cosmic webs of ... e=mc motions’. Standing bare as there is no defense to whatever plan there is, or the vulnerability of merely being, etc. Of course there’s more there, but I’ll let you discerne. Ha.

      I think you’re right about the God part scaring some away (if not for the truth/lies bit), and I know you are right about it lending some sort of inference to failing logic. But it’s there not to bring in any specific form of its essence, merely the universal thought that whoever is up there is ‘all knowing.’ But I know you’re right, and I will consider changing it. But to what?

      And I end where it does with ‘re-veil in present perfect tense.’ The tense is used to speak of something that started in the past and is still continuing or that has happened in the past but still has effect in the present. It speaks of the constant adaptation and evolving we humans do, yet everything is subtle and most lies. Perceptions change, yet the truth is so distorted you can never reveal it.

      This piece speaks of many things, though politics and love the more prominent.

      Again, I appreciate you taking the time to read and critique I look forward to doing the same.

      • wbiro gold member
        March 23
        Edit | Reply
        a dying love as snow melting and leaving no evidence- that's a great one- you'll have to use it somewhere! (I'd use it, but I'd be stealing! lol)

        and I agree about cliches- they are tools, and whether they work or not depends on how they're used... to consciously avoid them would only be an exercise in originality, which can be a distraction to the reader...

        "a texture of unfinished mending" intriguing notion... you know, I've done a series or two of poems based purely on the comments of others, I'll be keeping on eye on yours, for you have an interesting mind...

        there's a thought, "give me a line with no beginning and no end"...

        you know, I could make a poem out of all your alternate explanations here...!

        The "God" part, I wouldn't change it- your future pieces may need it to exist, sort of like a stepping stone, a "been there/done that" type of thing...



        • Keyser Soze
          March 23
          Edit | Reply
          Tell me I didn't just use it, I dare you, lol.

          Yeah, I try to write a poem solely on the line, but our limited understanding, mine own included, I only come up with a circle. Ha. Not so good.

          And I appreciate the compliment, I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about, lol.


  • going nowhere
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    i am 100% with metaphorist on this one.... WOW. the opening stanza just gets the juices starting to flow... like salivating, waiting for the next bit of creative intellect you will throw at us next.
    SO well done... standing ovation. (which means, btw, there should be an encore)


  • Metaphorist
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! WOW! WOW! Your best piece EVER by a mile. I've been experiencing what lack of truth can do to us. All I've been seeing the last few days are lies, lies, lies. Thus while this country (and the world) is in shambles. Thank you for writing this! P.S. Your opening stanza...

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