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Eye for an eye.

 

 

 

 

 

It was as if

we were detonated

 

fated to fall,

 

to tumble like twin towers,

crumbling cares

around wasteland's waist

 

and we knew

the taste of dust

that doused a thousand dreams.

 

We rumbled realities

to crash carelessness

through windows

of non-reflective refurbishments

 

neglecting to mention

new notions

that wiped our wishes away

 

and day--

 

that raised referendums

through ill-defined moments.

 

You became my torment,

 

twisting metallic meanings

through my screaming-space,

to erase feelings

that somehow fell too far

 

whilst plucking eyelashes

from wider spans.

 

I drifted down

your sifted shames

and lost at love's games

within your greedy grasp

 

while my voice played victor

to your dictated dilemmas.

 

We started atop seperate roofs,

produced proof

of chinese conspiracies

and weighed whispers

upon the lids of lesser lives...

 

and as the mirage of you

dies,

my cries simply stop

and I smear your memory

within the tread

of terrorist taunts--

 

you haunt me no more,

while you walk your wisdoms

on the walls of other souls,

 

to grow only grief

within wails

 

of your solitary demise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Title prompt:: 3. Eye for an Eye

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • Layne
    November 3
    Edit | Reply
    WOW, I have so missed reading your work, I am glad to be back to catch up. Hope all is well !

  • your ability to invent brilliantly original metaphors is really ingenious!

  • There was something in this that took me to thoughts of the destructive element that relationships can sometimes comprise, like a secret thorn waiting behind the last petal on the rose; an essence of a love-hate/can't live with ... can't live without (until we do!) kind of scenario. We can indeed fall too fast, lose the shoe from the heart's more cautious footing, and find ourselves in a rut or darkened place we can only drag ourselves out of/escape alone. They may be everything and then a new world to us while we are with them, and as we explore that new world we are blinded to its shadows, not so able to determine what is good and what is not, but when they are gone, with retrospect as we exorcise their ghostly haunting, we can evaluate with heightened clarity. Those are the things this poem said to me.

    I cannot pick a definite favourite part of this poem, but I shall venture to say these lines really resonated with me:
    "and we knew
    the taste of dust
    that doused a thousand dreams."

    I just love references to dust in relation to the past. In my own work I have used terms such as "the dust of done days" or the "dust of dead dreams".

    There is no need to procrastinate long over how such a poem might've won a gold


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    April 11

    Edit | Reply
    "you haunt me no more,

    while you walk your wisdoms

    on the walls of other souls,"

    Loved this, especially the above stanza, great stuff!

    Congrats,

    mj.


  • BearWoman gold member
    April 8

    Edit | Reply

    Dang! That hit me hard!

    I am reeling. This write had me from your first words, "It was as if / we were detonated". And then when you introduced the full-faced imagery of "to tumble like twin towers," aargh! I began to have a sense of the personal impact using the metaphor of the Holocaust would have on those who lived through those times.

    so tearing/jarring: "and I smear your memory / within the tread / of terrorist taunts—"

    A most excellent write that leaves me feeling haunted.


  • moonlitanime
    March 30
    Edit | Reply
    wow it is no wonder why you have won. Your language is very upseting and powerful.

  • my mouth stumbled over a few lines when I read it, but that's my fault, not yours. you used a lot of words one doesn't see on a day to day basis, whether or not they are on this site a lot! haha

    I really liked this, the gold was well earned! I like the way you broke up the lines, the wording, and the message. so.. basically... all of it!

  • This was enjoyable. I liked your underlying theme. Technically, there's a few. The terrorism one is expressed the best (on purpose I assume) in my opinion.

  • HollyLouise
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, there's not really a lot I can say, accept it was perfect. There was nothing I disliked aboutit. I have a few favourite parts.

    "and we knew

    the taste of dust

    that doused a thousand dreams."

    and:

    "You became my torment,

    twisting metallic meanings

    through my screaming-space,"

    These were just a few, but I enjoyed the poem as a whole.

    Holly.


  • Swangrnv gold member
    March 28
    Edit | Reply

    wow!

    intense, powerfully so! congrats on the gold my friend..


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    March 18
    Edit | Reply


  • I absolutely love the way you took the prompt for this contest. I was about to write for it, but I couldn't think of much at the time, but this is amazing. Hopefully you win Good luck!

  • only you can make something so tragic sound so beautiful. thank you for sharing this with me today and i wish you the best of luck in this contest you have entered. viyanna rosemarie


  • Heroesrox
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    Powerful write. Please capitalize the word Chinese. Thanks for entering our contest. Best wishes!

    • Laura Lamarca gold member
      March 17
      Edit | Reply
      I can't capitalise it...because if I do, it'll place all of the emphasis of that line on that particular word and would take away the deep metaphorical meaning and significance of the word "conspiracies" and change the emotion of this piece entirely. I'm sorry, but I can't compromise it & if you choose to DQ me for it, then so be it

      • Heroesrox
        March 17
        Edit | Reply
        No, no, no. You got me all wrong, hon! I don't plan on Dqing you! I thought it was a typo, so I was sending a friendly 'edit gesture'. Sorry if you got the wrong impression!


        • Laura Lamarca gold member
          March 17

          Edit | Reply
          I explained so you wouldn't think I was being ignorant or arrogant

          • Heroesrox
            March 17
            Edit | Reply
            Wow...I really am sorry for all that crap on my poem last time. I was pig-headed and should not have been so. Sorry, hon!

            You don't have to explain yourself. Twas a brilliant write!


  • Hoosierpoet silver member
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, some very powerful words here. Sometimes one has to wonder if the risk of loving someone all out is worth it, when all can come crashing down around us, but who was it who said, "better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all" and I have to agree. Excellent poem.
    Moses


  • Oh.My.Juliet
    March 17
    Edit | Reply
    This is amazing, I'm utterly speechless...


  • Hetha gold member
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    Rather than try to pick out my favorite parts, which I found the whole entirety of this piece, full of power and meaning, I'll just simply say that I absolutely loved and enjoyed reading this. You rock!


  • justapoet
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    Oh I do wish I could write as well as this. I have recently joined with a desire to write but have found my pen has run dry(for now)! As a result I am reading a lot of featured and this is a wonderful poem. Very well done Laura Lamarca


  • campanaro silver member
    March 17

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent write

    This was wonderfully written.
    Powerful and thought provoking.
    Thank you for your entry.
    Love Peace
    campanaro


  • blondone
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    Once again a outstanding write, powerful and the emotions are off the chart... love the greed line as this is what holds us in are own demise... I am never dissapointed when I come to your write to read, best of luck in this contest

1 - 25 of 25