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Shipwrecked

We sailed to sea with great intent
To make our plans and reinvent
But that was not the case at all
What happened to us dare I speak
And all the swimming made us weak
The bottom came for those so tall

We crawled upon the ocean floor
To find there was not six but four
The water filled our lungs such pain
We lie there with the sun's rays hot
To forget our friends but we dare not
But sail no more to oceans depth

Author notes

I am taking classes on sonnets and wanted to practice this style.

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Beret55 silver member
    March 20, 2009
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    The rythem, rhyme and flow , i thought was very good.
    Deep thoughts. very good


  • trekkergirl
    March 18, 2009

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    very well written... reminded me of a shipwreck and its survivors... especially the part about never forgetting. The survivors never forgetting the dead ones... great write. Thanks for sharing this with us.

  • piccola
    March 17, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    We sailed to sea with great intent
    To make our plans and reinvent

    I really like the opening two lines. Your use of the word re-invent is great


  • Hetha
    March 17, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Are you working with iambic pentameter as a device? As I read it, that is how it sounds to me. I could be way off, as the number of syllables per-line don't match that particular style. Tetrameter, possibly? I'm still re-learning it too. I'm still in the dunce-cap portion of sonnet classroom, but I haven't taken the class offered here, yet. My knowledge is rusty. You've got the meter and rhythm there. I would recheck L4 and L10 though, just to make sure, if you haven't already. The rest of it, to my untrained ears and eyes, sounds spot on in that meter. Then again, you may want to review it with your teacher. I'm not qualified in that arena. I did enjoy reading this however, and the tale looks great, albeit sad.


    • AllexisReed
      March 17, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      You know I am working with iambic pentameter, however, this particular poem was written to practice rhyme in a pattern ex...a-a-b-c-c-b

      I'm not sure why I was using that pattern?? I was wondering what you meant about L4 and 10? I looked it over and couldn't see it?

      This helps me a great deal to have someone critique my writing. This is not one I turned in for reviewing so I didn't get marks from my instructor.

      Thank you so much for your time! It means alot to me.

1 - 5 of 5