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Co-op Society


10:00. a.m.

Another blunt morning.
Bent over the bicycle stand-
wheezing on a woodbine.

He watched as
(on walking sticks)
it waddled through the automatic doors.

Past the scruffy shelf stacker-
the mother of our local heroin addict;
that girl who had an ectopic pregnancy,
and up to the checkout.

'The usual is it?'

'Please, pet.'

'There you go. See you tomorrow, ducky.'

'Thanks. See you tomorrow.'


Author notes

Floorboards. Groundhog day, every day. And how come nobody knows anyone elses name?

In a list

A contest entry

h

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 32 of 32

  • Sheilasbabygal4life
    October 8

    Edit | Reply
    You had some pretty good imanganary flowing in this piece. I really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!


  • Budart
    June 13

    Edit | Reply
    Like this poem but it needs a more specific ending. If it weren't for the authors notes I wouldn't know why you wrote it. The comment in the notes needs to be up in the poem some where. Thanks for your entry


  • C J Weatherholt
    May 23

    Edit | Reply
    I found your write to be intriguing and interesting in truth. Wonderful write and welcome to the finalists list.


  • twelfthknight silver member
    May 5

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    lol this is great and if im right your from the UK like me, noticed that with the pleas pet. loved it


  • JessicaMarieLewis
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    i have never seen a poem like this and i must say i like it.

  • Suzanne Dia
    April 23

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    Kinda like riding the bus

    there is bordello boy - tired eyes; always looks like he's fresh off a long night of cocaine.

    Grandma Moses - grumpy old bitch, really, not fond of sharing her seat with anyone, leans as far into the window as she can to avoid the eye contact that makes sharing unavoidable.

    The green eyed man with the rosary - he intrigues me with his eyes, with the way I think he sees everyone around him, kind of like I do, in a way that people don't know he's looking.

    The shoe man - I'd guess he does door-to-door sales, but he always gets up and gives me his seat when there are none available, at least he does when he isn't sleeping.

    Just a few of the characters, really
    I don't know their names
    but I watch them every day
    groundhog day, yeah.

    nice one


  • Pollyanna
    April 20

    Edit | Reply

    I saw both oddly-coined terms above in the Poem, and I'm inclined to say how smooth it read.

    The preliminary awkwardness took first sight, the persistence with subsequential failure to reach one another, the will to grasp the knowing one you feel like knowing-- Or perhaps not...
    Regardless, everything sums up well and makes a delightful read.
    Fer the reader
    However I'm reluctant to say as much fer yer Poetic cast.
    I'll tell you, I've read it twice because it grew on me. Real-realistic thinking and description all over.
    I'm rather fond of such a hat trick.
    Aye, 'tis tre

    Keep well,

    'Anna


  • T.o.r.t.u.r.e. gold member
    April 19

    Edit | Reply
    this is different, not really decernable and different. its definately got a unique point of view thank you for entering ad good luck in the conest


  • Heavens Child
    April 19
    Edit | Reply
    A very enjoyable piece. A unique style all your own. Best wishes and thank you for entering.


  • pixiestix gold member
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    I have to say the images you created in this poem have stuck with me from Round 1. That's what we all want as writers to some degree, to create something that stays with the reader, makes an impression. You've accomplished that here with me.

    I was happy to see this in the contest.


  • NickBlaze
    April 12
    Edit | Reply
    While it is sad that few people, even those who have regulars or are a regular, do not know the other's name (showing what a disjointed society we have) the concept itself is not terribly abstract. It was devoid of many of the literary devices, such as alliteration, assonance, and metaphor. However, it did have a solid meaning, though it seemed to lack qualities of a poem.


  • charcoal
    April 7
    Edit | Reply
    based on this, may i add you as a favorite?


  • perfectsunset gold member
    April 5

    Edit | Reply
    Hehe, cute.

    I very much enjoyed this
    piece. You have crafted it
    so beautifully.

    Thanks for entering & best of luck


  • pixiestix gold member
    April 4
    Edit | Reply
    Welcome to Round 2! Nice to see this one back.


  • DarkShard
    March 30

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    wow that was very cool, never thought a poem could do what yours did. brought home the real world, in a beautiful style and one.
    Wow, i'm in awe well done.


  • waydownuponjoy
    March 30

    Edit | Reply

    ???

    welcome to the duck pond? There was some semblence of a start here followed by fragmented thoughts that, overall, painted a picture that reminded me of another definition of 'punctuated living' in which some things just keep repeating ... and life tends to stand still, period! Thanks for entering this! j y


  • white stone silver member
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    Three ducks sat in a bathtub full of oranges. The fourth duck said "Pass the typewriter". HAHAHAHAHA!!!(for yer poem)



  • sheltered
    March 28
    Edit | Reply
    lol
    comedic styling gone wild
    excellent

  • pixiestix gold member
    March 23
    Edit | Reply
    People, places, and things seen every day in our daily routine punctuate life in a subtle way. It's an existence where if one of the elements was missing you'd notice something was different but wouldn't quite be able to put your finger on exactly what it was. It would most likely be figured out eventually.
    It's sad in a way really, especially when people are involved.

    I also found it interesting that no one knows each other's names as you mentioned in your AN but are in a sense "punctuated" with labels assigned by the speaker.

    Very imaginative take on the prompt with great imagry. I felt as though I was sitting on a bench at 10:00 am outside the Co-op.

    Thanks for entering

  • Son of Jim
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    First let me say I really liked this, even if it lost me.

    You open, offering the reader a very 'visual' stanza, which actually took me three or four reads to put line three to line two.

    The you give the reader the second stanza offering maybe where this poem is going. I like the (on walking sticks) but probably would have made that a stand-alone line two in the second stanza.

    Then, back to a completely 'visual' stanza, which should not, if I'm correct, have started as a new sentence, rather a continuation of stanza two, therefore take out the period at the end of two, neverthless, continuing--which could probably be a poem of it's own. Line three maybe a little telly, but comes across SO REAL it is forgivable.

    The poem finishes with dialogue that leaves me, the reader scratching my head. It's almost as if this is an exerpt from a screenplay. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing and good luck.


  • Barry Hodges
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    I recall that when I was a child, my parents refused to go into the Co-op as it was regarded as "too common" and implied you were Labour. Nowadays, that is not the case. It is too old-fashioned and over-priced.


  • The Phoenix Returns
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    For some arcane reason I like this a lot. It's succinct and makes the reader contemplate.

    I love the end, "See you tomorrow"... the end has a nuance of hope amidst the uncertainities.

    The images at the beginning were vivid and wonderful. I can well imagine the old man with the walking stick. I am not sure if i should have sensed some cynicism here but it did work perfectly fine for me.

    Great work!


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    March 18
    Edit | Reply
    Very intresting but could have been more
    still good
    good luck in the contest.


  • The.poet.of.hearts
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    aww.
    not so superb
    Wish you had penned more deeply and meaning wise

    by
    the poet of hearts and beautiful words

  • dillpickle62
    March 17
    Edit | Reply

    Um...

    Interesting piece of work here.

  • patrick20traveler
    March 17
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful; I love the first stanza. Very relaxed but it packs a good punch.


  • justapoet
    March 17

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    This was a different write. Very well written and interesting to read. I read it twice to fully grasp it and am glad I did. This is an interesting write, you did well Floorboards


  • aboomer silver member
    March 16

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    I like the easy feel of this - the everyday events that become almost 'like clockwork'....
    Great imagery!
    best wishes in the contest


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    March 16

    Edit | Reply

    Very well written

    A rather strange write. It left me with some disturbing thoughts, almost if someone was criticizing someone, just because they were differently abled. That is crtainly not the correct thing for anyone to do. My sister is legally blind, she, through out her life has had to put up with rude comments made behind her back when no one thought she could hear them. Well, she heard them, and found such comments to be terribly offensive. As did I, when I heard some.
    I'm a Senior Citizen *, and I strongly believe there is no excuse for an individual to make derogatory comments about those who are differently abled; sight; hearing, or speech impaired.

    In the Senior Citizen's residential facility, where I live, there are several individuls living, who when young were physically fit, now that they are older they are diffently abled, in some cases, or use various walking aids.

    I am most fortunate, I am still physically fit, I do not ridicule anyone because they are different from myself. And of course, psychological abuse of Senior Citizens, is against the law, and perhaps the differently abled as well.

    *http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Old_age


  • Antipodi
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    I like this it has a starkness about it that is in you face and real images of vunerability and images of sadness together with the changing of money ...so like society and its calm look at all things without emotion yet your show a melancholy good one poet


  • knock
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    addiction can be bad in the wrong hands
    just call everyone mate or luv
    that way you never get a name wrong
    nice slice of brit this mate
    loved the woodbine
    reminded me of me grandad, he always had his woodbines close
    he was a happy, gentle bloke
    yer.


  • Emmyb gold member
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    cute, original, fun, enigmatic and detailed in the right moments. this is a very very very well written piece and i can only urge you to take a look at my 3 open contests and enter one of them.
    such an enjoyable read. very well done. i hope you do well in this contest. i think you will. Emmyb

1 - 32 of 32