in dreams you
called me beautiful,
reminded me why i
keep faith,
keep trying.
you were sweet,
for a moment,
but i regret
every
single
second
i let myself think
you were a
nice boy,
not
liquored up
and firing shots
at the slightest
touch.
i deserve
better
(you’re only as
young
as the bartender
thinks you are)
and i deserve
real.
(you’re only as
fake
as the bartender
thinks you are)
Author notes
02/09/2009
Edited 08/04/2009
Better?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I agree that the title of the poem should change. It seems that the narrator is struggling to come to terms with the transference between realities of fantasy and actuality. Though the current title does show the immaturity of the object of infatuation, it does not fit the scene described. Also, use more visceral language. Make the character you create leap from the page and embed itself in the breast of the reader. You are on the right track but it needs to be spiked like punch at a high school dance. Good luck!
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i enjoyed reading this however i don't think the title really works with this you should either add more or decide how the title could reflect what is written think about this i am only trying to help you out i hope this helps you in many ways
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I'm not a true poet myself, so it's hard to give "a critique" that can be useful. However, I usually comment on how a piece makes me feel or think and this should be no different (with the exception of trying to address the comments in the authors notes). I clicked on this piece due to the title. I'm guessing it has something to do with the guys age...or perhaps it was to be suggestive about yours...I am lost about that unless it was suppose to be abstract and to be one of those titles to get you to read the contents (which worked by the way-lol). Everything seemed fine to me until the last three lines. That too became abstract which may be the result you were looking to obtain. I guess what would help more if the relationship was more defined. It's like a story about a girl who has been charmed by this guy who turns out to be fake when in front of others. Like he says things to make the girl happy when they are alone, but acts like he doesn't know her when someone else is around. Maybe I'm on target or way off base, but that's what I get from your poem. Not sure if I was a help or pain, but I tried.
Ted E -
I have to disagree with nobumagawaX - there is a complete lack of emotion, other than anger, and it didn't build or become stronger. To me, this was just a plain read. You should express more about what he did, how it TRULY, DEEPLY made you feel, rather than just saying you thought he was different.
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omg!! i was so shock at the turning point..verry harsh but true!!! as i read on the emotions became stonger..verry nice poem..i felt as if this happend to me it was soo powerfull..i'm angry now!!!..but any way love the poem..realy good!!
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it makes sense.
how did he call you out though?
a little more detail on that would be good.
can wait to see it finished
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