I
3:10 am and thoughts flow like a walking
bass.
you are the rhythm that agitates.
acoustic,
because electric is rocky and angry and i’m not
angry
anymore.
melody is irrelevant;
we are destined to a life of
swing,
a life where happy endings are
sent to the back of the
bus and sad stories are woven into
tales of
tri-pel-et
woe.
II
love could never write
jazz
because jazz was too
busy writing love,
and we were too busy writing
papers
about god
and evolutionary biology
to notice.
Author notes
02/24-25/2009 during one of many all-nighters that week
I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this. I might separate it into two separate poems? The tone in the two sections is entirely different, but I kind of like them together because the theme and metaphor are obviously the same. Definitely let me know what you think!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Do you listen to Ani Difranco? I felt like it had a bit of ani-flow/rhythm to it...that's a good thing
-
-
Yes I do! I love her, actually. That's pretty much the best comparison any has ever made of my writing to anything. Thank you so much!
-
-
hmmm
i also like these two together. infact, i could not imagine them apart after reading them this way! the whole of this is great. i Love the last stanza or II stanza! my favorite lines were, 'love could never write jazz because jazz was too busy writing love,'-wonderful words!! maybe they're my favorite because i love jazz. who knows! this is wonderful! i see no awkward areas and would hate to see these two parts separated!!
-
I love how 'triplet' is split into the syllables musicians give it (takes me back).
I will have to disagree with silverscent and state that I want these two parts to stay together. Not only do they share a theme, but the sound of both (even though the second part is more in-depth) is the same. Separate, I don't think either would feel complete. Have you thought about giving them Roman numerals instead of positioning the second part off-screen from the first?
I love every line of this, from the brilliant and grappling opening lines to the sardonic, truthful end. Bookmarking.
-K
-
-
I really like the roman numeral idea. I think I'm going to try this and see how that works. Thanks! And obviously, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-
-
I would like them as two separate poems. Why? Mainly because I think it would make the second part ( from "love could...") stronger to be without the previous part. Same goes for the first part, you may be able to edit slightly if you don't feel it's finished, but I certainly think it would sit better without the bit on the bottom. But hey, that's just my opinion.
I really enjoyed both (I did read them as separate poems if I'm honest.) I might be inclined to say I liked the second more, but that's just my preference.
Thanks for sharing.
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
