some are born
with sorrow in their soul
from birth they turn to booze
and learn to play the blues
some children pray
for death every night
but god lets it go unheard
so their existence is blurred
some youth don't sleep
for with out a bed it's hard
they run all night and day
any where they might stay
some people can't cry
in a public restroom
only once a day in the shower
so it doesn't taste as sour
some lonely few
die in the middle of the street
with the traffic zooming by
their only chance to fly
some ugly widows
die face down in bed
without any one to find them
her last thoughts were church hymns
this lowly soul
will sleep alone tonight
never to wake well rested
for unheard prayers i once requested
Author notes
this for a contest, i'm not that bad off.
A contest entry
- Melancholy Madness by psychedelichippie.
550 points, ended March 13, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what does it matter?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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My favorite:
some lonely few
die in the middle of the street
with the traffic zooming by
their only chance to fly
Poetry, pure poetry.
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word up on the trophy! i really loved the flow ofcourse
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DAMN RIGHT GOLD TROPHY WINNER!!!!
THIS WAS BLOODY BRILL DUDE!!!!
COULD WE GET ANY BETTER THEN THIS!!!!
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i can absolutely see why this was a gold trophy winner...just beautiful and heart rending and so raw and real...exactly what i expect from you and more!!!this really touched me!!
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wow this is really good! loss of words it is so true and flows really really well. Its wonderful.
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I think that I really do like this. It has a lot of emotion...I think you did a great job, honestly. I love the way you rhymed as well. Great job. Great job.
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Editorial comment: sower is someone planting seeds. I think you mean sour. they traffic, perhaps the traffic, church hems would mean perhaps the seams that keep the church together or is it church hymns the song that are song. Then the last unheard prays or is it what is being prayed, the prayers. They are small typos but have a large effect upon the meaning and flow.
The poem is a thoughtful, dark, vivid contemplation upon how we create our negativity and steal life from ourselves. Even when we have others to blame, it stills comes down to our decision to let them define life for us.
Technically you show could sense of structure, flow, coherence and how to get an image across sharply and poetically. Overall it is an impressive piece.
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I really like this, it's a good write. I think you did a good job writing down the sorrow. "some youth don't sleep
for with out a bed it's hard
they run all night and day
any where they might stay" My favorite lines. Good job.
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By "her last thoughts where church hems" did you mean: her last thoughts were church hymns...? If so, that is one of my favorite lines. Definitely re-read and check your spelling. I would also reconsider the use of words like "ugly" and "lonely". Those are so overused, maybe you could find some more descriptive words that aren't as common to keep the reader's attention and create a more vivid picture. I'm sure you'd rather show pain than just talk about it.
Overall, this piece has great intentions! I picked up on the idea of questioning God's motives and His ability to let bad things happen to good people, but it wasn't so obvious that I was irritated by it. I enjoyed the subtlety.
The second stanza also seems to suggest that there is a reason behind unanswered prayers, but I think that a stanza like that would be more effective at or near the end of the poem. In that way, your poem can answer the questions it raises or at least provide a viable explanation. I personally think it would go well nearer to your last stanza.
If this comment was helpful, please let me know, I'd like to look at some of your other work.
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this is one of the most detailed comments i have ever got.
spelling is my weakness.
and spell check doesn't find all the little mistakes i miss.
about changing the last stanza or moving the second one closer to the end, i wanted to keep them in the order of life.
showing that the ones of us that are born with sorrow in our souls end up sleeping alone.
thank you much for your helpful comment.
i would love to hear more from you on any of my others.
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Hi there, as the reader previous said, there is revision of spelling needed, try your spellchecker in wordprocessor (ABC/grammar). Also be careful what you say, not everyone will perceive things as you do in particular I refer to your 2nd stanza/verse, which is entirely up to you as the writer and your own beliefs, but personally I think a little rephrasing will reap rewards and appeal to more. Overall, its good as prewrites go and with a little tlc, could become a rather interesting piece. Keep penning, it will all come together, but not every piece is written over night...
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This was actually very good. But there are spelling errors. I'd suggest using the spell-checker more often. 'sower' is probably 'souer'. Another thing is some of this could have punctuation in it, making the context of the poem even better. The flow was nice though and the message and emotion in it was really played out well. Nicely Penned.
Josh
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this poem was amazing. So real. And So sad. I abslutely love it. good luck.
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