Huggies

So, I give the most amazing, psychedelic, existential, inspiring, orgasmic, chronic (but not carcinogenic) hugs.
Let me explain.
Before I was born, I was hanging out with God,
enjoying  a pitcher of Mango-Orange Kool Aid.
“God?” I say
“Yeah, John?”
“I’ve been thinking…” and he knows what I’ve been thinking… He’s God.
“You want a kick-ass talent when you get to Earth?”
There’s a pause as he sips the Kool Aid
“Ok, you’ll give some pretty gnarly hugs”
“Really, God?”
“Yeah, John,” he sips “Really…”

You see, I didn’t understand the plan
until one day in High School,
now, I don’t remember her name,
only that she was crying and it was up to me to save the Damsel in Distress.
So I did what my Momma (who raised a gentleman) taught me.
No words were necessary, just two very awkward arms protecting her from the world.
“You know,” she whispered through the tears, “You’re a good hugger!”
and the rest was a blur!
I was hugging everything in sight
It’ll be alright don’t worry Hi, uhh, what was your name again?
But names never really mattered because we sign the dotted lines with X’s
not to be anonymous, but because it would only be redundant
with a connection so intimate.
Not to be confused with modern hugs that say “Thanks for cutting my grass.”
I mean old-school embracing, hearty, needy hugging
that said “Hey, I’m not afraid to get this close to you.”

And I hugged with the best of them
There was Santa Claus, my Grandma, and, my personal hero, Winnie the Pooh,
Man, that guy made it seem easy, but not cheesy
needy, but not queasy.
I mean, you really need something potent to deal with the emo force Eeyore was bringin’
and I could not keep up.
I would wake up not remembering who I hugged yesterday
but if you’re keeping score, then you’re doing it the wrong way
and if you’re able to keep track, you’re not hugging enough,
because I’m running out of daylight and I’m hugging late nights
and my chest is chaffing and my shoulder’s tear-soaked
and my arms are starting to get stuck like this.
I’m talking hugs for everything
hugs for making it through the day,
hugs for getting a joke,
hugs for putting the toilet seat down,
hugs for leaving,
hugs for coming back,
hugs for keeping you here this time,
hugs for the words you can’t say,
in fact, hug your boss, it will confuse the hell out of him.
Hugs for paying with exact change
Ok, that last one was not to suggest whoring out your hugs…
or maybe it is, so what?  It’ll be the best damn quarter you'll ever spend!
Just hug for the sake of hugs.

So, take it from me: If you cannot fathom the ecstasy, the passion, the shear cure-all
that a psychedelic, existential, inspiring hug can give
then make a pitcher of Mango-Orange Kool Aid,
come on over, bring your friends
and we can discuss why the world’s round
and  a perfect fit
for arms stuck like this.