strings of seeds scatter past
butterflies laced together
in plaidpatterns
bears unzip coats;
hydrate in tiny seas
of the air
serenity,
the colorful grey underside
that overlaps
dry pain.
petals stretch once again
rays illuminate hidden strength
pollen replenished-
bees florish:
thread of spools
that lead the way.
stone fingers snap
as treetops click together.
waves rise above sand-
sunlight too.
possibilities lurk near
patches of jade-
tastes of roots spread
webs of shine.
anticipation is a redgray woodpecker
to wake up earlier than breath;
the inchworm that crawls
outside the window-
its trail that follows:
another stitch in the quilt.
/////
Author notes
wind and earth.
feel free to pwn this poem if needed.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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inchworm
lol
that part is awesome
;D!!
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inchworms kind of suck..but are hard to forget..
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wow, ashley. You are truly a wonderful poet. Good and getting better. This is beautiful!
GO ASHLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks, dawg..i'm giving up poetry though. it's just not really my thang..i'd rather read it, you know?
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What do you mean!? You're a great poet ashley. you know that right?! Sure, reading poetry's great, but when you've got a talent like you've got, why would you let it go?
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thanks, but i'll just stick with zebras
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81
Originality 9
Creativity/Poetic device 9
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 6
Cohesion 6
Emotion/personality/edge 6
Impact/Reaction 6
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 5
syntax: 5
Title: 5
overall opinion: 4
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
I agree with Tyler. You're going to have to use deeper metaphors and not just imagery. -
79
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 6/10
Cohesion 6/10
Emotion/personality/edge 6/10
Impact/Reaction 5/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 3/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 79
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81
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 6/10
Cohesion 6/10
Emotion/personality/edge 6/10
Impact/Reaction 6/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 3/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 81
What you have here is fantastic, really. But I want to see more than pretty images if you make it through. I want to see and feel your soul.
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I liked this.
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This has really good imagery, really pretty and interesting. I was a little confused as to the meaning of some of it, it's significance. But other than that, it was all great.
"anticipation is a redgray woodpecker
to wake up earlier than breath;" I love this!!!!! Earlier than breath...really cool concept.
I really like this, overall. You painted a very lovely and interesting picture for the reader. Very enjoyable.
Best of luck.
Love Always,
Caroline
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I like this is seems to me as a woman stitching looking out the window as the world changes all around her. Great image there! Maybe she is sitting there because she is hurt or sick I don't know but thats the great part. we have all been that woman! she still knows beauty but doesn't feel a part of it...great great great!
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First off, this is much better than last week's poem.
I thought the first half had too much imagery. I was hoping for more abstraction, something that would make the meaning easier to follow. Too much imagery just makes a pretty image, that makes it hard for the reader to grasp the meaning.
I thought the ending had a good balance, meaning started to unfold there.
There's a lot of creative ideas here that justify why you're here this week.
What this lacks is the delicate balance between abstraction and imagery. That's where you will see a loss of points, is in that category. But we can work on that.
What I suggest is...add more abstraction (which is anything besides imagery) to help bring out the meaning. With the reader's understanding of the meaning, that's where the emotion will be more accessible.
As for now, this feels guarded. You've masked your soul with beautiful, interesting images. I want to see more of you.
Let me know when you've made some changes.
And for the record, this is good - but I believe it has potential to be much better, to become good enough to get you to Top 24. (honest)
Like I said, it's good.
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Thank you for the suggestion. I see what you mean about having too much imagery, but it's just so hard to fix. I've made some changes, but I'm honestly lost when it comes to being abstract and whatnot.
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It sure does draw a very lovely picture for the reader. What a great time of year this is, when all things wake to the warmth of the world.
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outstanding
I really enjoyed reading this piece. the imagery was nice and vivid
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