You took my breath
when you slammed the door.
I'm suffocating
in the emptiness
left in your wake.
I stare at the closed door,
mouth agape,
like a fish
straining to pass
dry oxygen through gills
that shrivel
in the open air.
A contest entry
- For My Favorites... by BehindTheShadow.
4000 points, ended April 2, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
Magnificent
Behind closed doors attracted me. your title is so intense and interesting.
-
Excellent!
I really liked this...
words not typically used when referencing the objects you described...
for some reason "shrivel" caught my attention and I just LOVED the perfect placement of it.
Agape was the perfect descriptor as well for the thought of a fishes mouth... I loved it.
The first part seemed rushed though... I am now sure how or why - but it seemed as if it was missing just one or two things. Almost as if you gave us the skeleton of the idea. I though the 2nd part was really the 'meat & bones' type of writing I'm used to from you... and the first part was just lacking a little something I can't quite put my finger on.
Really nicely done.
-
one word
wow
-
I am so glad you entered. The first night I stumbled upon this site, I found your page and read like every single thing you wrote. Literally. There are pieces that come to mind immediately, like I think it was called Money, and it was about Pink Floyd songs, and then there was one about the first time you share I love you with somebody, I am writing this all from memory of things I read of yours over 1 yr ago. Needless to say, you made an impression and I find it fitting that you have entered my favorites contest, because you were my first fav. Oh, and you were an Ani fan. And this piece here, it describes a feeling I know way too well. A fish out of water, out of it's element, is no fish at all. Great job.
-
-
Good to know I didn't let you down
I haven't really been writing much lately, but I was honored by the invite, so I forced my muse out of hiding
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
