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sweet lamentation

i)

canary in cage
laments for her lost freedom
with a song so sweet

ii)

canary in cage
lamenting lost freedom
sweet song - broken heart


Author notes

Second haiku is based on readers' suggestions.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • toomysterious
    April 9

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    New light on "why the caged bird sings." (veiled reference here to the title of a very old Ethel Waters book, on her life I believe) This is full of meaning.


  • Swan song gold member
    March 27
    Edit | Reply
    your first haiku was very good and the second not too bad either


  • Swan song gold member
    March 27
    Edit | Reply
    your first haiku was very good and the second not too bad either


  • albymyheart gold member
    March 12
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, much better. More rich and concise. You haven't lost the meaning here and I think the second haiku definitely better. well done...alby


  • Terry-too silver member
    March 12

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    YES !

    Every word pulls its weight! I will never again see a canary in song without deeper meaning. Bravo!

    Not only have you placed a pair of opposites into a single line, but we have a metaphor of a bird with human emotions! A lot of meaning in fewest words!

    Terry


  • Blankscreen2222
    March 12

    Edit | Reply

    Aww

    This has got a big awww factor to it. Poor little bird. I often wonder about birdsong and if the birds could actually sing with words what exactly they would be saying.

    A thought provoking piece and a great haiku.
    Best of luck in the contest with it.

  • albymyheart gold member
    March 11

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    I like the idea that the canary's song is a lament for lost freedom. Normally when a caged bird sings we assume they are cheerful. I really like this write but agree with Terry regarding 'little words' especially in a haiku where the form itself is so condensed. There is little room to get meanings and ideas across in a Haiku, so it's better to make full use of the 17 syllables by condensing the language into meaningful words, than to 'waste' too many on words like 'in', 'a', 'so' etc. Nevertheless you still wrote with beautiful thoughts...alby

  • Terry-too silver member
    March 11
    Edit | Reply
    The use of opposites here paints the canary as a realist, making the best of a sad situation, while reflecting unfortunate truth. How long would a silently sad canary last?

    If mine, what would I change?

    Try to replace little words. Easier to say than do.
    caged canary sings
    lost freedom's lamentation
    with sweetest of songs?

    perhaps, but I like yours better.
    Terry

1 - 8 of 8