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And so there were showers.

Missing image

 

 

 

 

 

my fists can feel

a thousand forevers

that have whetted cheeks

with waning weakness

 

to cross a canvas

of stuccato steps

that weep wonder

 

into something strange:

 

i can see that this enemy

has found its way

into melodies

and words have wisened

to drop

from visibility...

 

into images

only ever imagined.

 

so i plot holes

[like jewels]

between obtuse organs

that swell

to out-size kidney beans

 

and bare-boned,

we sob together.

 

my grief is a grocery store

and heart hankers merely

for a minimum wage,

while rage stutters sorrow

inside signatures

of stomach.

 

i have a dream today,

 

that time

fails to elapse between exchanges

and that night

absconds from the periphery

of my vision...

 

so i illustrate inside it

and become a good painter,

gently stripping soul

 

to replace it with you--

 

blended by the brushes

of april's rain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Picture credit:: nostalgia by SuzyTheButcher @ deviantart
http://suzythebutcher.deviantart.com/art/nostalgia-102441478

In a list

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 25 of 25
  • It's very home-like, I'll admit.
    An excellent peice, nonetheless.

  • A heartfelt poem

    very well written and beautiful sentiment. The whole led to the last line, a brilliant ending

  • Wow.

    I honestly don't see anything wrong with this piece, in fact, I'm pretty sure it's all perfect. :]
    This is a very powerful piece, with deep meaning running through every line. Great job with this, and good luck in the contest.

  • This is quite amazing. best to you.


    whisper

  • 95

    "my grief is a grocery store
    and heart hankers merely
    for a minimum wage,
    while rage stutters sorrow
    inside signatures
    of stomach."

    I thought the use of rhyme there gave this part an extra kick. And the alliterations helped too. The passion here, in my opinion, made this the "big moment" - truly excellent.

    I don't have any criticism, just opinions that show in the rubric.

    This is stellar.

    originality: 9/10
    creativity: 9/10
    cohesion: 10/10
    organization: 10/10
    mechanics: 10/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
    emotion/personality/edge: 9/10
    Impact/Reaction: 8/10
    title: 5/5
    diction: 5/5
    syntax: 5/5
    overall opinion: 5/5

    Total possible: 100
    Actual total: 95


  • oh my lord laura.
    i dont know whether its that im drugged up on cold medicine, or what but this makes me ache. i know everyone else keeps saying beautiful, and it is, but there is something here that just makes me hurt a little bit.

    -casey


    • Laura Lamarca gold member
      March 20
      Edit | Reply
      don't be stingy with that medicine...i will go and get me a cold so you can give me some ok?

      • im not being stingy with it. im sharng it with my roomates, who i also decided to share my cold with. what can i say, im a very generous person.

  • Jason-R-Britt
    March 19

    Edit | Reply
    Very impressed by this piece. I am new to this site, and artists like you inspire me to return more often! Bravo!


  • InstantKarma
    March 13

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    I can feel the emotion behind this poem. I love the word choice!!! "and bare-boned, we sob together." Love it!!!

  • Evangel
    March 13

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful

    Wonderful feeling portrayed with exelence of the alliterations and personifications you used.

    My favorite part.
    "So i illustrate inside it
    and become a good painter,
    gently stripping soul"

    Good luck with the contest. Hope you win.


  • sense surreal gold member
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    a thousand forevers. I love that line and

    blended by the brushes
    of april's rain.

    this is metaphorically abstract and beautiful

  • WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WRITE! I absolutely enjoyed reading every single word, such a brilliant write!!
    the flow is wonderful, the words so powerful yet so sad.
    gr8 job!!


  • poppa
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    intriguing write... one small suggestion, remove the word "my" from "the periphery of my vision" personally I think its superfluous... enjoyed the read.

    • Laura Lamarca gold member
      March 13
      Edit | Reply
      "my" and then "i" in the next line - I required the assonance in order to keep the flow smooth...otherwise I'd have not used it...so yeah - you spotted the superfluousosity (haha...hmmm shoot me ) but there's nothing I'm gonna do about it and that's why

      Gosh...I smiled and my fucking face cracked


  • Ethereal One gold member
    March 12

    Edit | Reply

    excellent expression

    Your words tell such a sad story. The images created are strong, and the metaphors used in this write are excellent.

    Good luck in this contest!

    Jeannette


  • emptyslate
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    ! It took me 4,5 reads to understand the absolute beauty behind this poem!
    "and bare-boned,
    we sob together."
    So very deep!!!
    Have you misspelt stuccato?

  • Oh yes this is a mighty fine piece La as is everything you wrote.
    I also love 'my grief is a grocery store' because it conjures up so many feelings that invade when grief knocks on the heart.
    Best wishes with this amazing poem.
    Gaylene


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    March 11
    Edit | Reply
    You definitely have something here, La.

  • So I'm pretty much speechless...

    I would love to give you some criticism, but alas! I have none =]

    This is the epitome of excellence...

  • Many Sparrows
    March 10
    Edit | Reply
    "my grief is a grocery store" is a unique and unusual image yet everyone can picture i


  • Iris Doyle
    March 10
    Edit | Reply
    humph...i love this <3

  • "and that night
    absconds from the periphery
    of my vision...

    so i illustrate inside it
    and become a good painter,
    gently stripping soul

    to replace it with you--"

    ^ favourite bit.
    'Tis prettiness.


  • stasis
    March 10

    Edit | Reply
    "and bare-boned,
    we sob together."

    I love that. I think you've definitely set the bar with this.
    ♣ Tegan

1 - 25 of 25