It seems to me that once you start with goats,
you more or less stay with goats.
It's a sticky trade.
Keepin' them to shade all day
and stayin' kids away from them's not people broke.
But Lawd the cheese is good.
It sits you when you're stood
and stands you when you're sat
and that's just the smell of it.
A swallow's made more'n one
trade his hat for rod and robe
and beg to come along the way.
But starts like that don't stay,
on tastin' cheese alone.
Not sure what it is makes you stay
but it's something more'n taste.
Seein' how goats isn't always milk and cheese.
They spit and shit you to your knees
and it don't matter what they ate,
they's always shit in store.
Can't drive 'em through town to see folks
or they shit all on they floor.
Don't leave 'em outside neither.
They's none of them'll wait.
And how do they get all them turds inside they belly?
They isn't so much grass in all the state.
It's things for keepin' that they ate.
Shoes and shirts and dinner plates.
At least they kind enough
to return 'em when they done.
Like I said,
they isn't no cheese'll keep through that.
But we sho' keep.
We keep in long days and long nights
and cold and heat
and only stones to rest your head.
Folks ask if it get lonely all day with goats.
It don't.
Goats keep a company all they own
if you has the eyes to hear it.
Maybe it's that what makes you stay.
The company.
A kind you can't find with sheep or cotton seeds.
Sure beats goatin' alone.
A contest entry
- Friendship's Rewards (#1) by BearWoman.
700 points, ended March 19, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Final Impressions [HONORABLE MENTION]
I like your changes. I smile every time I read this, and feel warm and fuzzy every time I read: "Maybe it’s that what makes you stay. / The company."
Thank you for entering my contest and for being open to receiving feedback and making revisions.
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Fun, Funny, and Wise
You took the prompt in a very interesting direction. I enjoyed the voice and tone of your poem. I smiled many times and laughed several times while I read. I found it very engaging, "obvious" yet also with an undercurrent of life wisdom being portrayed. Are you really only 20?
The reward of friendship being portrayed is quite obvious to me: it’s not the milk and/or the cheese; it’s the company, if you please… !
Critical Commentary
Your title says "start with", your first two lines "start to". Please make them consistent one way or the other.
On the voice you used: you may wish to go back through this piece and polish it here. You are missing some punctuation (e.g., keepin is missing an apostrophe), and there are some inconsistencies in your treatment of the lingo you are using. Not glaring, yet still enough for me to notice. The way you choose your line spacing is consistent with your choice of voice.
I am able to strongly project my inferences about what type of character is speaking, as well as relating to my personal experiences with (non-human) animals and "rustic wisdom" that comes across through ordinary words. I found it very engaging in this way.
"saddle break" !!! You can saddle up a goat? Because surely a shepherd (rod and robe) isn’t riding a horse.
"At least they kind enough / to return 'em when they done." and "A kind you cant find with sheep or cotton seeds. / Sure beats goatin' alone." : LOL!
"… they ate. / Shoes and shirts and dinner plates." Darn goats! Typical goats! lol!
"if you has the eyes to hear it." Your treatment here comes off as intentional rather than as an error. It provides character "flavor" (jargon). Also, the use of a reference to synesthesia provides an opportunity for the reader to interact more with your piece (by considering what it would sound like to eyes). Nice. I, myself, like using synesthesia as a device.
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Thanks a lot for taking the time to go through this and for the encouragement. I'm clearly a pretty bad etidor and your commentary was a big help. And (in case the question wasn't rhetorical) I am still 20. Look out, April.
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Oh, you're funny! (love your thumbnail pic, poor dog, though...). You are quite welcome! Oooo, look out April! This big dog is comin' to town! I noticed you made changes, good. I'll be back to look again later.
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