Bear cats with fangs as sharp as sabers
labor to bring down the great deers
while young chase game to elders
the kill, the family's sure to share.
Hear the roar that roar returns.
Fierce and hard, they work in teams.
From these cats, we can learn
to make use of their routing screams.
So make this sabered tooth into a horn
and learn the call 'cross mountain stone
to drive our prey with its song
to shout out your place
and call to arms.
A contest entry
- Sabertooth-tigers by Nevel.
850 points, ended March 24, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Only For Rhyme ( a must vote contest) read the rules by Legend.
3500 points, ended March 25, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
can you tell what I'm thinking so I know you understand?
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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a sabertooth cats society as example for mankind, symbolic by a horn, made from those cat's teeth, as a rite of passage for young people? roar? a way of communication between those cats? I guess you mean another roar answered the first one. I like the story behind your poem, the turn into a message. A interesting and thoughfull poem with strong imagery. A good write, enjoyable to read. Thank you for entering
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well done
a good poem on a different subject, an enjoyable read to be sure. Best of luck to you, Boog
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this is good
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Interesting poem
Best of luck in the contest.
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This is a great write, Very nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
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This is poetry...
as it would have been written, by the primative hunter himself! A stoneage Shakespear emparting his wisdom to the open hungry mind of youth.
Ok, now for my suggested revison:
Please don't take offense to my comments. They are totally absent of malice. I may poke a little fun, but it's with a good hearted nature.
Sincerly,
Bill
1st stanza doesnt rhyme. This is a rhyming contest right? Heheheh
Everything in "green bold" is what I removed or altered(Origional)
Bear cats with fangs as sharp as sabers
labor to bring down the great deers
while young chase game to elders
the kill, the family's sure to share.
(Improvement)
Bear cats with fangs sharp as saber
fight to bring down the great deers
as young give chase weary in labor
the kill, the family growl's its cheers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Ok, 2nd stanza rhymes, but needs a little work
Everything in "green bold" is what I removed or altered(Origional)
Hear the roar that roar returns.
Fierce and hard, they work in teams.
From these cats, we can learn
to make use of these routing screams.
(Improvement)
Hear the roar, echoing roar's return.
Fierce and hard, they work in teams.
From these cats, we can learn
to make use of their routing screams.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok 3rd stanza doesn't rhyme at all. Refer to comment on 1st stanza Hehe
Everything in "green bold" is what I removed or altered
(Origional)
So make this sabered tooth into a horn
and learn the call 'cross mountain stone
to drive our prey with its song
to shout out your place
and call to arms.
(Improvement)
Crafted tooth, hunters sabered horn
learn their call 'cross mountain stone
drive our prey from whence it's bornto roast in hearth and feast at home
Reguardless of my suggestions I still enjoyed reading your poem.
Bill
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fangs as sharp as sabers
fami-ly's sure to share.
I usual don't use identical pairs of propositions
but the matched set of eff then esses matched the rhythm
thank you for highlighting that
Ok 3rd stanza doesn't rhyme at all
horn, stone, song and arms all sound similar
while place was emphasized by not matching the others
Ok, 2nd stanza
an echo is not what is returned
to make use of their routing screams.
I agree
thank you for the second perspective
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to air is human
to er is devine
I'll respond when I have more time
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This is a truly imaginative write. Very nicely penned.
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An interesting topic in rhyme and honestly, I can say, a subject I have not read a poem on before. Your rhyme is quite well done. Nice work and quite enjoyable. ~Pamela
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Reading this poem, it felt like there was something missing, like there should be more to the poem, I mean that in a good way as your poem left me wanting more, and that can only be a good sign. Imagery is awesome here, painting the ancient tigers world beautifully. Thanks for sharing your poem here and good luck in the contest.
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this is just an introduction to a horn
that has yet to be used
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In a psychology class a long time ago I read that the mammalian play instinct may be the basis for human creativity and ingenuity.
In this poem we see the productive behavior of the ancient pride being passed from generation to generation, the eldest making use of and directing the instinctive play of the young. The poem evokes the parallel to the most productive human socialization, primitive or civilized, in which youthful energy and enthusiasm is not suppressed but encouraged to develop in ways that profit the individual and the group.
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Strangly i found myself in the realms of "Clan of the Cave Bear" Jean M Auel with this write
I also found myself wanting more ( a sign of enjoyment) The rhyme and flow were not to bad The subject matter great.
All in all i enjoyed the read
Well done Good luck in the contest
Is that a little typo line 2 Dears/Deers or am i missing something?
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indeed
deers
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A rare genre... great to have something from 10,000 B.C. in the contest. I especially love the reference to the smilodon as it lends a more learned authenticity to the piece than the half/slant rhymes might suggest.
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yes, I read the first three of that series
edits rhythm
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Nice flow of words and a pleasant sounding poem, but the theme of the poem is vague and somewhat confusing.
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no picture of a barbarian elder giving a saber tooth to a child coming of age?
*changes title*
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I read the teeth were 7"
hardly long enough for a horn
so I stretched the truth a bit -
Wow, this is very interesting imagery. I love how poetry can transform anything into something beautiful. Good luck to you hun!
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thank you
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i enjoyed the content although the rhymes seem a bit forced. it tells a story in a poetic tone and holds attention. my best to you in the contest.
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edits rhythm
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OH MY...that font is a killer to these old eyes. Made it awefully hard to read, but....it was a good read. The rhyming was good as well. Best to you in the contest.
Sam
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is that better?
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most definitely!
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not bad.
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thanks
there are other details to the beast
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