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Urban Flavour

Missing image

 

 

As I sip my cup of city night
the flickering orange lights
taste polluted,
but the urban flavours
tickle my taste buds
with a dusty, artificial warmth
that reminds me of home.

 

I miss home.

It's now one year and
four hours since I last drank
those semi-opaque orbs.
(I only know by the ticking
on my wrist and by the
date on the paper.)

You got it for me.

 

You watched the visual aroma
twist around my tongue
and disappear through the
colour in my eyes.
It reminded me of you.


It had the same kiss;
the same alluring essence;
the same glow.

I miss home.


I miss you.

 

 

 

 

 

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8
  • This one really touched me. I could see the city scene and feel the emotions. Thanks for sharing.


  • alpPDCjr12
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice. It's very bittersweet, much like the city is to me.

    I think the phrase "It must be one year and four hours since I last drank these semi-opaque orbs" is sort of inappropriate for the context. You wouldn't use that phrasing if you know for certain based on dates and times how long it's been. The phrase "it must be" suggests you are wondering about it or guessing, when you are really stating a fact.

    Other than that I have no suggestions. Good job


    • silverscent gold member
      March 13

      Edit | Reply
      I see what you mean. I might change it to something more concrete. What I was trying to suggest was the hazy polluted air of the city had made the situation a blurr. Maybe suggesting an irony of the mind being so consumed by that event that the person is counting by seconds, minutes and hours yet, everything seems to blurr into one. Anyway, I'll alter it if that aspect isn't clear to the reader.

      • alpPDCjr12
        March 13
        Edit | Reply
        I like the idea of every second being counted, and also the idea of the memory of a single expanse of time where each second is indistinguishable. It will be a challenge to get that across without using up a lot of space, but I'm sure you can do it. Nice job and good luck!

  • very nice imagery. I love the city but its hard being away from home.

  • Topnotchsy
    March 8
    Edit | Reply
    I like the feel and imagery of this a lot, though I am left wondering what comes next, and would love to see this continued (just my opinion though.)

    • silverscent gold member
      March 9
      Edit | Reply
      I know I should get a slap on the wrist for this but as I was writing this I was on my way out so I posted it unfinished. I hoped I could get away with it until I came back to it hehe...never mind, I will continue it now though. I just need to wake my muse up

      • Topnotchsy
        March 10

        Edit | Reply
        Nice to see it finished, and a really nice job building on a great beginning. Nice write from beginning to end.

1 - 8 of 8