Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

The Mariner’s Revenge

i
Listen my children and hear this old tale,
I know it sounds strange, I’m told that it’s true.
It happened when tall ships sailed on the blue,
Two salty sailors fell over the rail.
They found themselves in the gut of a whale,
He swallowed them whole like a tasty stew.
Then the ship sailed away far out of view,
Leaving the sailors alone to prevail.

It all seemed to start because of a fight,
Fists started swinging and cursing broke out.
Two drunken sailors got nasty that night;
Wait ‘till you hear what the fight was about.
All for a woman whose stature was slight,
A queen among women there was no doubt.

ii
A queen among women there was no doubt,
A lover to one and to the other you see;
For she was his mother, apparently.
She was abused by the one who was stout.
Of course an encounter provoking the bout.
The fight continued, they could not agree,
Two sailors caught up in their destiny.
Each trying to prove who had the most clout.

The two men slid down the throat of that fish.
Entangled together they fell to their fate,
Punching and shouting in total anguish,
They did not realize that they were fish bait.
The whale thought the sailors a tasty dish.
They reached the whale’s belly, it was too late.

iii
They reached the whale’s belly, it was too late.
Then came to their senses and realized their plight,
Victims of fate and a whale’s appetite.
The sailor’s egos began to deflate;
Could this be the time to negotiate?
The gut of the whale was dark as the night
So they lit a fire, providing some light.
Now able to see, fire fueled their hate.

Now the guts of the whale was their carpeting
The ribs of the fish were the ceiling beams
Their voices were echoes that rang in extremes
The stench in that place was like vomiting
And no one was there to silence their screams.
It all could not be more discomforting.

iv
It all could not be more discomforting
As this tragedy began to unfold.
This is the story and how it was told.
When the old sailor used the girl for a fling
The younger sailor was just a young thing.
The old salt had taken her body so bold
Then took her money and clothes that he sold,
Left her for dead with an awful beating.

The younger sailor has now turned eighteen
And remembers his mother on her death bed.
She asked him to find this man who was mean
And break all his fingers and bones in his head.
She wanted revenge with pain in extreme,
So his hatred grew from what she had said.

v
So his hatred grew from what she had said
And now he was here alone with this man.
He started to think and developed a plan.
The boy couldn’t wait to see the bloodshed.
He tied him and bound him with fingers spread
Shredding his flesh like the blades of a fan.
He tortured and beat the old sailorman.
The old man was sorry the woman was dead.

For all his remorse had come much too late
He was tied and beaten and could not argue.
They were the whale’s dinner, without debate
And neither sailor could think of rescue.
There’s two ways to die in a whale so great.
I know it sounds strange, I’m told that it’s true.

 

 

iiv

Page copy protected against web site content infringement by Copyscape

Author notes

Prompt: Tell a story in rhyme. Here is a delightful children's bed time story.

Crown Sonnet:

Take the last line of your first poem and use it as the first line of your second. This one is composed in Italian Sonnets. An Italian sonnet starts with an Italian octet (abbaabba), followed by an Italian sestet (cdecde) or a Sicilian sestet (cdcdcd).

Inspired by The Mariner's Revenge Song by the Decemberists

In a list

A contest entry

Comments:

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 56 of 56
  • Purrsanthema
    March 30

    Edit | Reply
    "I know it sounds strange but I know it's true"

    An orca fluked up to a warf one day
    And leered and grinned in a horrible way
    And finned us near and winked and laughed, and blew
    His spout in briny snorts then swore " that crew
    Alas you doubt told true: those beasts that say
    Two ruffian tars swept up in a fray
    And died became a vile Cetacean stew,

    I'm proof! They told just half the tale: the whale
    It happened to was me: they fought to such
    A vile degree I had to hire the wise
    Old kraaken,: he told me what made me ail.
    When these two monsters died I hurt so much
    He tentacled their bones out through their eyes.


  • Legend silver member
    March 29

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    I thought i had read all of the entries in this wonderful contest How i missed one of your I do not know.I do seem to follow you to the podium ,but to my mind that is more of an honour the a problem.To come close to such an excellent piece is more than one could wish for Excellent Congratulations on a more than worthy Winner


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    March 28

    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations on the gold. This is a Crown Sonnet I would recommend anyone to read ... everything about it is perfect.

    Thoroughly enjoyable, thank you for entering it.

    Love
    Sue


  • cricketjeff gold member
    March 28

    Edit | Reply
    A crown

    Wonderful story, told to perfection in brilliant form, but then I'm not the first to say that!

    You have once again waltzed to the top of a very high mountain.

    Delightful storytelling to claim gold in what we both suspect is our strongest contest to day

    Great stuff


    Jeff and Sue


  • Xelgaroth
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    I was drawn to this poem because of the title-- I LOVE the Decemberists; they are in fact my favorite band.

    I love the reinovated storyline from the song used here. While I've never done a poetic version of the actual song, it has inspired me to write long story-telling poems. You are clearly an aspiring voice in this particular realm. The meter, here and there, could use minor tweaks, but overall it's very well executed. The older Italian rhyme format is intriguing to me, and does not distract or detract from the content itself. May I offer, though, a piece of advice, without offending? Perhaps you could look into more colorful word choice here or there. Example:

    It all could not be more discomforting
    As this tragedy began to unfold.
    This is the story and how it was told.
    When the old sailor used the girl for a fling
    The younger sailor was just a young thing.
    The old salt had taken her body so bold
    Then took her money and clothes that he sold,
    Left her for dead with an awful beating.

    Could this be rewritten, for example:

    It couldn't have been a more wretched thing,
    as this grim tragedy did then commence,
    this tale of revenge that now begins hence:
    On the night of the sailor's and young girl's wild swing,
    the younger sea-man still youth's song did sing.
    The old scalawag of the girl's body took hold,
    did strip her and use her and all her clothes sold,
    and then with a laugh he her body did wring.

    Just a suggestion. I must say, though, a very nice job overall, and besides all that, you like the Decemberists, which makes you automatically amazing. Keep it up!

    Dan

  • Great story idea and I picked up on the rhyme scheme right away. There were some great phrases sprinkled throughout. I also think it ended a little abruptly, I'd like to see more of a resolution. Great title by the way, that's what first grabbed my attention.


  • rollingzen
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    seems like there's more to the story...ends too soon ...a first draft of something much longer...
    cheers

    • Amera gold member
      March 12
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much; most commentors think it's too long. I was going to make it a full 12 sonnet crown. Think I shoul have huh?

  • That was excellent. I loved the story you told, the fun side of a horror it seemed liek to me. The commenter before me mentioned the Rime of the Anceint Mariner, and I too was reminded of it. Thumbs up.


  • Red Rocket
    March 12

    Edit | Reply

    Interesting

    http://www.bassoonbrothers.com/files/images/image-Gustave%20Dore%20Ancient%20Mariner%20illustrations-mariner3.inline.jpg

    The Rime of the Ancient Mariner is a favorite among that sort of literature; it's what horror used to look like. And this is what it reminded me of before I read your author's notes. The most effective part of this sonnet, to me, was the last stanza. I've never written a sonnet as they seem so long; but, I did enjoy reading yours here. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest.

    • Amera gold member
      March 12
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your comment and applause. This is a Crown of Sonnets hence the length. A sonnet is only 14 lines long and if you ever want to write one; I will be happy to help you. The easiest sonnet to write is an English sonnet which has a rhyme scheme of (abab cdcd efef gg). Each line has a syllable count of 10 syllables per line. If you need help with the rhymes, here is a good tool: http://rhymezone.com/ . After you have written a few, it will become your favorite form to compose.

  • Amazing poem! I love the way it rhymes and also tells a story without sounding cheesy.
    The title drew me in, and much to my surprise, the poem kept my attention, (which is hard to do!). Wonderful job!


  • Sylvyrwyng gold member
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    GREAT STORY!!!!! lolol... lesson seen and learned thank you!

  • I LOVE SONNETS

    !!!!!!!!!!!!
    I was drawn in by the title, and I was not disappointed to discover this is inspired by the "Mariner's Revenge Song" by the Decemberists. You certainly did a good job maintaining the epic feel of the song while trying your hand at the tale in your own voice. I very much enjoyed.


    • Amera gold member
      March 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you! I'm thrilled to find someone else who knows who the Decemberists are.


  • Cannonsfire
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    You know this kind of poetry I have always said to Jeff needs illustrations almost like a childrens book because the imagery is already there.An artist would be able to draw direct from your words. As always form is beautiful C

    • Amera gold member
      March 11
      Edit | Reply
      You have no idea how much this comment means to me. To have a free verse poet endure a Crown Sonnet is quite a complement. Thank you.

  • great piece.....
    i love the story here and it is very entertaining....
    great job!!!

  • Superb Plus +

    A very fine write just the way it is. Imagery; rhythm and rhyme are just fine. Thanks for sharing this one with us.

  • you have done a very good job on this write. just goes to show, one may think they've gotten by with something but they never really do. may i ask y ou something? how do you get involved with copyscape? no one will answer this for me and i really am interested. thank you for shairng his with me today and i wish you well in this contest that you have entered. i am looking forward to reading more from you very soon. viyanna rosemarie


  • wynd-fyre
    March 11
    Edit | Reply
    Hm, intriguing....hard enough to do a short poem in good rhyme.

  • This is so wonderful!!! I am impressed to no end! I found this not only enchanting, but amazingly written. You are such a prolific form writer. I have never even tried form writing. I love your works so much. I will read this to my grandchildren...


    Az

  • love it

    difficult to writ I am sure. thanks jeff I'm always impressed. Nic

  • thunder-rain
    March 11

    Edit | Reply

    Great!

    This was very beautiful Amera! I really liked it. I liked how you repeated that it sounded strange, but it was true. You were able to conjure up the pictures in my mind with your words. I saw each part so clearly and thought that it was a very beautiful thing. Beautiful Job and keep up the beautiful work!

    • Amera gold member
      March 11
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much. I was concerned about posting a Crown Sonnet here on AP as they are a bit long for the attention span for most readers here. Thanks again.


  • Wandika gold member
    March 10
    Edit | Reply

    Quite an imagination

    Good luck in the contest.

    Jim


  • BiTeMe
    March 10

    Edit | Reply

    ...WOW...

    this is an amazing poem, one of my favourite on here yet, great work, you deserve to win ^^

    cli
    xx


  • Zenda-Lokki silver member
    March 10

    Edit | Reply
    A wonderfully written story in rhyme. I was impressed that you managed to keep the structure throughout. It was a little on the long side but having said that it was a joy to read.


    • Amera gold member
      March 10
      Edit | Reply
      LOL, well most Crowns are 12 poems long. Good thing I kept it down to five.


  • Kari gold member
    March 9

    Edit | Reply
    I read this a few times and was drawn in each time. You created perfection once again!
    The best of luck to you in the contest though I don't think you will need it very much with this piece here.

    Kari

  • This is incredible

    what an awesome story! and in rhyme !I could have read a whole book like this! more than well done! excellent

    Blessings & Love

    Rend

  • Ahoy! A lovely seafarin' story, marm, to be sure, but are ye sure that ye wants 11 syllerbles in line three, marm? Ye extra syllerble nearly capsized me longboot, aye, she did! An more than jist goldfish is swimmin' these here friteful waters, marm. Soom o' the sharks gots teeth as long as me paddles, aye!


  • nordicsky silver member
    March 9

    Edit | Reply
    If you ever write an autobiography, you should call it “An Audacity of Rhyme.”

    I read this with eyes as big as dinner plates. Only a poet of your amazing brilliance would dare to shoehorn rhyme into a story in such an audacious way. I went through this poem line by line checking out each rhyme. Of course, whales don’t normally swallow sailors like a tasty stew... except when you’ve written view on the next line and need to backtrack a rhyme. As for the form, well you have to seek out ever-greater levels of complexity by combining Italian sonnets to form a crown sonnet. Your poetry walks the narrow line between insanity and genius.

    This was a wonderful piece of storytelling and it made me smile.

    Love, Peter

    • Amera gold member
      March 9
      Edit | Reply
      Oh Peter! Thank you so much! The time I put into this poem was well worth it for this amazing comment. I think of my poetry as art and to tell me that my work borderlines insanity and genius is the highest compliment I have ever received.

  • Eusebius
    March 9

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, this is a ton of fun, a mavelous old salt's narrative (I'm reminded of the "thou wedding guest"). And, as anyone knows who has attempted it this form is not easy to do... Bravo!


  • Ariosto II. gold member
    March 8

    Edit | Reply
    Aaaargh
    It shivered me timbers, mate.

    Narrative poetry in formal attire...Amera, I should be readingf this by candlelight but
    it goes just as well with neon.

    great!


  • Bedroom Eyes
    March 8

    Edit | Reply
    Shades of "Jonah" and the Brothers Grim I think

    I'm always amazed at how easily you weave form into something, well; amazing. I'm not certain that this would be a bedtime story I'd tell my kids, but it certainly gets the message across doesn't it?

    Well done my friend! Best of luck in the contest!!

  • "A child's bedtime story", dear, are you daft? The brothers Grim would be pleased with this for sure and to be certain the poetry is very fine, good timely diction, vivid imagery, and precise form, but a wee one would have fits with the detail of that last bit...not to mention the rape. But as I said, it is a very fine poem and best o' luck to you in the contest! , Dannie
    P.S. i hope you're having a wonderful weekend.


    • Amera gold member
      March 8
      Edit | Reply
      LOL, yes I am "daft" and I really love your comments. Thank you so much my friend


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    March 8
    Edit | Reply
    Very well done.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    March 7
    Edit | Reply
    Well, I like it.


  • Rovingone gold member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    A grand rollicking tale you've done here. Surely it would make the ghost story best list for round the campfire story telling. I'm quite sure the kids would retell it many times, if they could remember the rhyme. Very nicely done.

  • Purrsanthema
    March 7
    Edit | Reply
    This is so funny! What a fish tale! If it happened, who was there to take the reality back to the ship? I particularly love line 5 in iii "Could this be the time to negotiate?" Unfortunately in line 8 of iii I think the typo piskie gotcha! I think you're missing the word "to": "Now able see, their fire fueled their hate." I think it slipped out and vamoosed to oblivion from between able and see. This was a fun read.


  • StarEyes
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    Again, Miss Form Queen at her best! This is amazing! I love it! I do agree that it does remind me of, " Listen my children
    (and you will here of the midnight ride of Paul Revere".

    Great job! You always blow my mind with these fancy writing styles!

    Best of luck in this contest!

    and love

    Nyetta

  • TonyT
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    You immediately suck us in with the first few words because anyone who grow up in America will immediately think Listen my children
    (and you will here of the midnight ride of Paul Revere".

    It's too bad they didn't work in mines before being sailors of they could
    have followed the smoke from the fire up and out the old blowhole...lol

    This brings back memories of the old classic Moby Dick.

    -Tony


  • Daizee silver member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    How dark and dreary. It feels like an old children's fable. Fascinating Amera


  • Swangrnv gold member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply

    goodness...

    are you saying this is a children's story? l.o.l. this would scare my pants off!! l.o.l. love the story, and interesting form..but then again i am reading a 'form' piece by the 'pen-ultimate form' QUENN!!

  • piccola silver member
    March 7
    Edit | Reply
    oops! forgot the applauds

  • piccola silver member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    reminds me of "Listen my children and you shall hear
    of the midnight ride of Paul Revere ...

    it has the same lyrical quality about it that makes
    it so readable. When I was four I had not a clue
    about Paul Revere ... but the way my dad read this
    kept me transfixed. Later of course when we learned
    about history, the rhyme helped me with the dates
    and stuff. Anyway as ususal

1 - 56 of 56