The yellowish hue of nicotine covered paint,
reminded Barn Betty of the beauty she aint.
She was ignoring the whines of poor patron Frank,
as he finished off the bitter ale that he drank.
With matter of fact, heavy ho hum sighs
Barn Betty rolled her bored muted eyes.
While she Filled Franks fresh frosty mug to the rim,
she heard the familar chatter of her lover 'ol Jim.
Betty then turned from the sticky beer taps,
Barn Betty surely was mad, landing 'ol wandering Jim
some hearty face slaps.
Easy Edna stood ignorantly stunned,
She just couldn't believe what the angry Barn Betty had done.
But before she realized she was next to be hit,
Poor patron Frank lost his drink in the fit.
Easy Edna made a fast break for door,
but Barn Betty was quicker, knocking Edna to the floor.
Then with a satisfied grin she winked at 'ol Jim,
warning she'd break off his sad little limb
if he dare ever wander again.
The warning was understood oh so very clearly.
'Ol Jim knew that Betty was making him a guarantee.
The whole of the village knew of Barn Bettys talent with a blade,
it's been over ten years since poor patron Franks been laid.
Author notes
First time with this so I don't expect to win but am enjoying writing this, very much.
Any pointers and honest criticism will be very appreciated and accepted. Thanks for the contest... it's great 
I love reading the creative stories in this contest!
A contest entry
- Tell us the story (In rhyme) by cricketjeff.
3500 points, ended March 28, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this too is amazing,as i suspect all of your poetry is,im hooked,you are an awesome ,descriptive writer.thank you.
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Thanx again friend
i will have to catch up with reading some more of your writing in the morning... it's 12:30 in the morning here and I gotta get to bed.
take care and I'll talk at ya soon
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Thank you for your entry in the contest. A very interesting story with good rhyme, but the flow and meter are quite erratic and you will need to practice, try reading the piece out loud, I'm sure it will help you to see where you have gone wrong.
Should you need more help just give a shout on an IM.
This was a good read nevertheless.
All the best
Sue and Jeff
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You are great with phrases and rhyme. Where you need to practice is with meter. I think this was a very ambitious write. As such, it is very good. Practicing with shorter lines is easier.
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Do not feel that you need to have any reason to state that this is your first time
I think you have done a wonderful job(I have seen many Who have been at it longer and not done half so well)
OK you yourself can see that it needs just a little sorting Rhyme is hard to pull off and it is only though continually attempting it that one gets better.
I can see that you have a flair for the story type poem Please do not give up on it I know that i will be reading more of your work
Good luck in the contest
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After reading your poem and admiring your work I truly feel honored by your comment.
I will continue writing this in this form, I absolutely love the rythmmic stories I read from other poets such as yourself who have mastered this form of rhyme.
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l.o.l. now this...
is funny!!! and quite wicked too! can't wait to read/see the rest of the story, so hurry up already!
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Thanks hun, I know it has some problems with flow so I'll keep editing as I go (<- ha I'm still rhyming lol) but honestly I just entered for the challenge.
I've been reading some of the host's rhymes lately and have been thinking of doing something like this for the people at my bar.
But before I do I need to bring in something that is great so any tips would cause me to give out big ol internet smooches!
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