[I see the city lights through the window.
The ninth floor view makes everything
Look like just a speck of time.]
Sanitation nation, steady beeping
Reminders of
Life being supported.
Unhealthy.
Infection spreads like wildfires,
Raging through their veins.
Flushed cheeks lurk behind every door,
Pink with weak life.
Antispetic.
But the hallways still smell like death, stale with
Fading breath.
Skeletons of misplaced thoughts
Roam the halls, scatter like dust under
Soft-soled shoes.
And every hallway is identical.
Turn corner. after. corner.
Tiles, colors, desks, chairs,
The same.
And pleasant paintings grace
The hallways. Sunny, happy works make atmosphere
More desperate.
Walls bleached. Perfect cream color
Streams down the walls
Soothing.?
False.
The common anxiety worsens.
Lungs fill up and recycle used air, sick air.
Patients, victims, breathe heavy, pleading for
Attention.
Swallow pills.
IV's miss veins and bruise blue -------- bleed red.
They yell. oh. how they scream.
Wrinkled faces tense.
"Ow ow ow ow ow. "
Even the nurses cringe,
The.pain.will. (not)
pass?
[I see the city lights through the window.
The ninth floor view makes everything
Look like just a speck of time.]
Author notes
I smell
Something
Like
Fear.
One of my biggest fears is the hospital. Everything in it makes me feel terrible. It is one of the only things I have a hard time dealing with. My grandmother is in the hospital right now, and I visited her tonight.
It inspired this.
Option 3: I'm giving you my best.
A contest entry
- Tough Times by borrowing.moonlight.
1100 points, ended June 17, 65 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - If You Can Afford Me... by JulietteArielle.
850 points, ended March 9, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
------>antiseptic
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
wow... great deal!
I think this is a great write! I love how the flow is. Moving it around for the structure to flow. Fantastic job and great imagery! Well done!
-
I like this, good use of punctuation and such. I can really tell you're afraid of hospitals. thanks for entering.
-
wow. i've had similar experiences. i'm not afraid of hospitals, but i hate them. and i've had to spend too much time in them, honestly, in the psych ward (fourth floor and whatnot) so i can completely relate. it's horrible, i know what you mean, the bleached walls, every hallway the same, fake atmosphere, NO air (no fresh air in a week), constant surveillance, sick people, yeah. i know. except i wasn't in there for an IV, i was just in there for cutting. you know how that goes (maybe?) well sorry for ranting, but your poem really spoke to me, since i was just in that hospital maybe two weeks ago. i'm adding you as a finalist, this poem is really well done. good job on conveying your feelings. keep writing, and thanks for entering. good luck
-
Right on. Had back surgery and even most of the aides seemed antiseptic, sterile and cold. Not ALL, but most. You penned the feeling correctly.
Blessings to You and your Grandmother,
Rae
-
Perffectly Intence
Ouch! I'm a frequent at hospitals, thankfully they work hard to make children's a pretty enjoyable place, so I don't mind. I love seeing all the kids there, they make my day....though it's scary to know that one day they may not be there anymore.
Antiseptic....I have a phobia of it! No, just the smell...reminds me of chemo shots, yuck! So I really hate that part of hospitals...ooh, and the hand sanitizer...it has so much rubbing alcohol in it that it burns the skin off my hands! Which is ironic, because the sanitizer burns the skin off and causes infection...they really need to put a warning sign up.
I love the form of this...it just "works". I think it's just right the way it is. The visualization was so intense I found myself breathing rapidly, which is odd because hospitals don't bother me anymore (except ICUs...they're creepy). So, I think that is a good thing, showing how powerful the poem is. Great job : )
I hope your grandmother gets well, or if it's her time, that it is all painless and peaceful. Tell her that I've prayed for both you and her.
~Alex
-
eckkkk I could smell the hospital reading this eck eck eck.
Which means you did AMAZING. haha
I like the rhythm I feel when I read this. I cann't really explain the rhythm.
-
I loved the beginning (and end) piece to this, and also the lines
But the hallways still smell like death, stale with
Fading breath.
I would suggest adding more subtle rhyming like this to your poetry.
Simply,
your dirty-pretty style,
is the only dirty-pretty style that I like
[but I'm still suggesting you change it up?]
Keep up the good work; explore; grow
and make sure I always have something to read.
-
=/
oh sweetie, im so sorry.
but you know what? i love you! =D
and yeah, hospitals creep me out ^_^
-
Look like just a speck of time
-'sspeck of time'. The way you phrased this is brilliant. The imagery conducted upon this line is astounding.
Antispetic.
But the hallways still smell like death, stale with
Fading breath.
-Just how on eath do you come up with such magnificent stanzas!
[I see the city lights through the window.
The ninth floor view makes everything
Look like just a speck of time.]
-This. Repitition. Is. Stunning
god; i just love everything about this poem. every word, every spacing. Just everything. You seriously are one of my favourite writers. Your works are penned with such overt talent and emotion.
-
amazing
This poem expressed one of my biggest fears too
The hospital is just.....creepy
You did an amazing job capturing your fear and my fear as well
Keep writing
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
