She smiled like Mona Lisa in a way,
Living within a decent front from day to day.
She dwelled on her baby shoes that have never been worn,
And walked on like a shadow, so hopeless and forlorn.
She shared her larder with the litter,
And cherished the remains until her face grew bitter.
Every person she met shined down to her like a wondrous diamond sky.
Then she would break down in conversation and inside she would cry,
As each and every one of them crawled out from her eyes,
Creeping back in within contrary to a daily surprise.
She grew strong with an urge to kill her demons within,
But she knew that her demons were not in the outer world to pin.
And so she now rots dead beneath the soil, along with her name,
Rotting down to the absolute nothingness of which she first came.
Though she and the lonely life she led never made it to display,
To me she still smiles like Mona Lisa in a way.
What do you think of ma poem?
Comments
1 - 76 of 76
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Loved it.
It demonstrates, how the form within poetry can be adapted to encompass a multitude of styles, your various meter lengths does not have too much effect on the flow.
A rich reservoir, of words in wonderful order make this a lovely, poignant in places, poem thank you.
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descriptive and thoughtful. a very creative piece. congrats on this great write. I can see why its so popular.
Emmyb -
very good write. i do however think it would flow better if you put your couplets into stanzas.
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Awesome job with this one! i liked it a lot! Your wording was grand! Keep up the great work and thanks so much for sharing such a wonderful write! KEEP penning no matter what! You have a real talent!
Thanks!
Mike -
What a very thought provoking write. Wonderful and vidid imagery. Keep up the wonderful writing, only thing I would change would be to put your beautiful write in stanzas. Otherwise amazing job. hugs Theresa
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Well this is the beginning of the life, there may be many other expereinces which will make you reborn and to reborn her as well..and this way the life will contine, till the end..
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a good flow and good imagery though perhaps shortening some lines so it flows a little smoother? all in all though a good piece and with some revision which you are planning anyway i see it could be made a lot sharper. sorry for the delay in replying to your messgae, i was writing a poem
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this is beautiful.it's how you see her, sigh...such an amazing metaphor...Mona Lisa's smile. I love how you wrap the story with the title.
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Very nicely rhymed and flowed
It is always a pleasure to find another exponent of the art on AP
Keep it up!
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lovely rhyme and flow and such emotion expressed here!
Great job. Keep penning
Lynda
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Wow
You are a very talented young writer.
The flow was to a T, and so very
beautifully creative & beautifully descriptive.
Excellent use of vocabulary & you put
so much emotion and thought forth here
in your poem.
An overall treasure to read!!!
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love it
i like the way it flows, the meaning of every word reflects on wat u wana say
awesum =]]
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Oh please don't revise this...
honestly, I like it just as is. Hope you dont change a thing. Keep this up, I think its; well.
E
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wow
you have such a talent with words....I'm at a loss for words....I just love your unique writing style. WOW! -
Pretty good images here, nice job keep writing C
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Creative
this is a very interesting concept, very unique. your imagery is amazing. it's obvious that you put a lot of work into it.
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monaLisa ,what lovely imingery you show in this piece...thank you for sharing
you have much talent
MM
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Pretty good. The Mona Lisa.. That's that woman, right? I don't like that picture. For me, it's ugly. This poem's a lot better than the Mona Lisa.
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interesting. i like how the flow of this poem is so flawless, and like how everything was put together beautifully. very sweet and lovely!
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wowweeeee! very cool loved the line where you talk about her mile becoming bitter. that stuck in my mind. oly one thought when i read it there was a repitition that i think you did deliberately but im not ure if it is doing what you think it is doing lol the word deamons seems overused near the end. try changing one of them.
other than that awsome work.
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Simply gorgeous imagery, a very well thought out piece, penned beautifully. My only grip would be the fact its one big block. But a wonderful read!
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My My My, you have worked up ALOT of comments here my dear! Very nice write though, reminds me of the actual Mona Lisa. Very beautiful and slightly sad. Welcome to AP! I hope you find all the love and compassion that this wonderful site has to offer. To be so new you have attracted alot of attention! Very nice to have just starting out. Your a wonderful writer my dear, keep it up, thank you for sharing this with us here on AP and may you get many many more wonderful comments on this and other works you have submitted.!
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This was a very deep poem. I liked it. She still smiles like Mona Lisa in a way. I've actually seen the Mona Lisa. It is such a sad story and so true for so many and yet there still is a bit of a smile that she displays in your poem. Great rhyme with a wonderful story line. Thank you for sharing with me.
Welcome to Allpoetry for I noticed you are new. It is a wonderful poetry site and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Wishing You Many Blessings,
Kelle Marie
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You've certainly managed to gather a lot of comments. Interesting write. Thanks for sharing your poem with me.
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Oh my god I love this! This is like heartbreaking and I like the way it flows. Amazing write. :]]
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Wow! You've certainly garnered a lot of attention here. More reads than I think I've ever received on one poem. LOL.
I also noticed you've received a lot of criticism - most of it fairly constructive and helpful. I think some of the suggestions about removing excess words are good.
Some criticisms went a little too far for my taste. I think you should write how you want to write. If you like longer lines, some people do fine writing lengthier pieces. You will develop your talent and skill the more you write, and eventually you will find a trademark style.
I love the idea of a "mona lisa smile", the idea of her sadly wasted life - the image of her rotting as her memory fades. It's strong imagery and evokes a lot of thoughts and emotions.
I might cut out some of the excess, Griswold had some great suggestions there.
But keep writing - and let your talent develop itself. I know you will go far with it.
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aw, this flows so well, and is heart breaking, i really enjoyed this alot
keep writing, and take care
Stephanie ♥
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THIS LEAVES ONE MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!!!!
Truly intriguing! Just what was this person like in life, only their smile tells the story and even it has faded away. 's
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this is a goocd write from you. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Welcome To AllPoetry!
Wonderful thought here and I really
enjoyed reading it! Thanks a lot for sharing
it here and keep up the wonderful work!
Jeremy0826 -
Excellent.
I like the reference to Mona lisa. Seen the original in the Louvre, a picture that has become priceless attempting to make modern comparisons. This was sad as many feeling s hid inside the soul. I can relate to this. thanks you.
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Cool
This is really good .I love the ending espescially this poem makes me sad and happy too. Great effort well done keep pening
Lana
x -
I liked this. It was really different from what i'm used to reading, good job. Thanks for sharing! Hope this is an acceptable constructive criticism comment for you.
♥
B -
I loved this poem. You did an excellent job with this. For someone to have so much to give another person and be shunned like they are no one is a very terrible thing. You did an amazing and astounding job with this. God bless you always in everything you do and write and keep up the excellent work.
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Beautiful write, This is an amazing write, a loving perspective. I think this would work well seperating it into stanza's. All together like this, it doesnt give the reader much of a break. Other than that, I loved it!
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Wow
This gave a new meaning to grave impact. It was powerful to say the least, and the shocking demise of this person's existance. Blessings.
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So very sad yet so fascinating as it grips and takes one to the core of its existence. The last line so absolutely perfect in a emotional punch. Bravo!
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well, blow me down...!
you've received a lot of comments on this, and frankly, I'm not surprised one little bit, if I can offer any advice, I'd go with the structure aspect, yep, separating it into stanzas would make it more readable, you have a lot of talent for sure my friend, glad I stopped by...!
Good title too
John
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Great rhyme and flow.
I enjoyed reading this poem, a wonderful story penned here.
Love the title...and repeat of the line.."Like Mona Lisa in a way"
Very well done.
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wow i really liked thia and i loved how it flowed so well, i wouldn't change a thing in this poem
great penning doll
Love forever and always
Ciara Ann -
Welcome to AllPoetry
Wow, rhyming I actually liked! That's a good sign
The title and first line are very unique with the reference to Mona Lisa; I love that. The choise of vocabulary is very good and I really liked the bit about her breaking down during a conversation. Keep writing! Hope you enjoy the site
~Diana
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Putting aside the cliche ...
your words flow well together
Gives your reader something to ponder over
A good beginning
Best wishes Julie
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Well, for one thing you have managed to get quite a few of the AP regulars to comment on this poem already. Your rhymes are good, your lines are way too long, good imagery and thoughts. But in my opinion it needs a lot of work, the flow is terrible because of your differing line lengths/syllable counts. You have a lot of filler words that can be done away with altogether (and, the, she, she, she, she) Word repetition takes away from the effect, we already know she is a she, dont repeat it every line or two times a line. The same with "her"
This is what "I" would do to your last four lines and why.
(And so)she (now) rots (dead) beneath the soil, along with her name,
Remove (and so) what does that do for the poem?
(now) seeeeeee yaaa we already know it's now.
(dead) she is rotting we know shes dead.
15 syllables, cut to 11 very much more accepted.
She rots beneath the soil, along with her name,
(Rotting) down to the (absolute) nothingness ((of)) which she first came.
(Rotting) You said she rotted up there ^^^ we got it already
(absolute) Nothingness is nothingness, absolute is obsolete, and 3 syllables...bye, bye
((of)) I would change to from. you gain the bonus of some slight alliteration in the line.
16 syllables, tsk,tsk Cut to 11 much bettah cheddah.
to the nothingness from which she first came.
She rots beneath the soil, along with her name,
down to the nothingness, from which she first came.
Flow? did somebody say we have flow now?
(Though she and) the lonely life she led never made it to display,
(Though she and)GONE..... uneeded
The rest is just fine as it is, 13 syllables but it will work.
The end line cannot be changed and is 14 syllables, but it closes the poem nicely being a refrain of the first line.
She rots beneath the soil, along with her name,
down to the nothingness, from which she first came.
The lonely life she led never made it to display,
to me she still smiles like Mona Lisa in a way.
That's what I would do with it for the first
12 lines as well. You asked for it, you got it...Scott
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not a decent allusion, you are using detail (mona lisa) to avoid using detail. forlorn is a cliche word, use something else
like a shadow? describe her footsteps, the sounds she does or does not make, her breathing patterns.
bitter is not a strong enough adjective. until her face lost any color at all. something.
inside she would cry?
like mona lisa in a way suggests that she is nothing at all like mona lisa. ditch mona, and just describe the poor girl. introduce another character, use dialogue, give us a city, a barroom, a school, a hallway, this poem exists suspended above setting, which is no good. is along with her name sort of like eleanor rigby? the last of her generation?
explain it!
cheers.
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i like what you've got here. its raw but i like it. if you can take out a few 'she's, 'her's & 'and's etc.. you might find it will flow a bit better. eg. walked on like a shadow, hopeless, forlorn; growing strong with an urge to kill demons within, knowing those demons; rotting beneath the soil, along with her name... etc.
just a suggestion - nice work
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If I were you, I would try to write more along the lines of what you know. This is stuffed with cliche, probably because you are so far from this experience that you are forced to draw on cliche to present an understanding of it. You used some fairly good verbs, though (crawled, creeping). Keep writing, but keep learning, too.
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I thought it was lovely. Thank you for sharing this.
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You have a couple really good lines in here. A little editing and you could have a gem! I liked that she wanted to kill her demons but knew that she could not. Keep up the good work
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Sounds good I would try and shorten some of the lines or put in some commas to eccentuate the breathing
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Well, it appears that you do understand the basic concept of rhyme, but your lines are a bit long.
The only way to shorten lines is to count syllables and have the same amount on each line or stagger.
For example, 10 syllables on one line and maybe 9 on the other then 8 and so forth, creating a more even flow and cadence in your piece.
Effective rhyme is a science, one that takes lots of practice.
Sincerely,
MJ Donnelly.
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Bittersweet thoughts so beautifully penned of love lost...Bookmarked because of it's excellence...
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Good write.
I look forward to reading more of your work. As below I would brake in down for more effect.But over all you have done a good job.
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Bestest poem eva!
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What an awesome poem!
ps:
7th line down-
"Every person she met shined..."
(shone)
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Aw, that is such a sweet poem... Even though she lived with the demons, you still love her.
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This is nice. but you need to break it down into groups.. so the full effect can be felt.
Welcome to AP.
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I love the imagery in this poem and you have a wonderful rhyming schme to it. You have been offered some amazing advice in the other comments and I think you'd do well to take it. Then your poem will be even better than it already is. Thank you for sharing with me.
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i think it was really good. the title was deceptive to the actual theme to the story, which is really sad, but still good
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It took a few readings for me to get into this its a little macabre in a way and sad she didn't have a very good life. I liked the journey you took us on its easier when poetry is packaged with a start middle and end and you acomplished this even incorporating the opening theme of Mona Lisa smile. well done
Cyber Artist
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welcome to AP
I think you've recieved a general consensus in that the format could use some stanzas. You've done well in your delivery of flow and the rhyme sceme is well placed. It doesn't come across as forced. All and all, a very nice write. Keep it up.
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amazing
i love how deep you get in this piece
2 me its an amazing and very well put together....i hope 2 read more great poems like this
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Nice
I liked the flow and the rhyme pattern =]
Very well done, Keep writing!
Tash
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Interesting
I'll have to read it a few hundred more times. It's deeper than a once through, way, way deeper. I like it and give you a tip of the hat.....chael
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very excellent poetry, here...I loved the flow and the way you sculpted your words to make this masterpiece shows your talented, poet...
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Great piece
Written very well, with a nice flow to it.
Like the others have said, you could break this up into stanzas, at least two. -
The Mona Lisa, doesn't really give much away, so, by this I would say, you'd be smiling like Marilyn Monroe. It kind of puts an epitaph in a way, of someone we knew, than someione we would have liked to have known, Lovely piece.
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Welcome to Alpoetry!
I have to agree with below, your poem you should format into stanzas, and so it would look more like a poem. Rhyming is well done here and imagery is good too. Not bad I guess for a 15 year old. Thanks for sharing.
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Firstly... Welcome to AP!!
Your poem has good flow, and a good rhyming structure. The only think I may suggest is formatting it into stanzas....something like this...
She smiled like Mona Lisa in a way,
Living within a decent front from day to day.
She dwelled on her baby shoes that have never been worn,
And walked on like a shadow, so hopeless and forlorn.
She shared her larder with the litter,
And cherished the remains until her face grew bitter.
Every person she met shined down to her like a wondrous diamond sky.
Then she would break down in conversation and inside she would cry,
As each and every one of them crawled out from her eyes,
Creeping back in within contrary to a daily surprise.
She grew strong with an urge to kill her demons within,
But she knew that her demons were not in the outer world to pin.
And so she now rots dead beneath the soil, along with her name,
Rotting down to the absolute nothingness of which she first came.
Though she and the lonely life she led never made it to display,
To me she still smiles like Mona Lisa in a way. -
good
It sounds like it flows together really well. A little long I might add but that what makes a poem individual in itself. Come check out mine if you get a chance!
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Good
I like rhyme. With that usually comes stanzas and meter. Some of the lines run a bit long while still rhyming, which sort of inhibits the flow. And I would break the different thoughts or points you are making (pictures painted) into stanzas and then even them out. Overall I thought it was a great write!
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good job
Im not sure i understand all the imagery but I am sure with more thought I would get this one. Good use of words. Welcome to AP and I hope you enjoy it and make lots of friends
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Great imagery! It's really beautiful (:
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I like the images in this. I think the lines could be shorter, get rid of some of the filler words and tighten it up a bit - but I like the soft romantic feel of this.
best wishes -
very cool write my friend
I might try working on the spacing , the couplets work well
it would look a bit more polished spaced by the couplets
also you could try adding a pictue of the lovely lady
keep writing -
Welcome to AllPoetry!
This is a great poem - I really like the way that you have expressed your thoughts in this way my favourite part was the beautiful imagery and the way that you describe this in such a sad and resigned way I think from a constructive criticism point you might like to look at changing the background so that the text is easier to read - but that is just my opinion and I enjoyed this poem!
Welcome to the site, I hope that you enjoy your time here at AllPoetry!
Polly
Site Greeter -
great using a old painting as a test of a woman that got you with her smile its great i hope that she read this cause its great
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