He started out as a baby with a blessed tender smile,
The smile that could penetrate through to your heart and leave you aimless for awhile.
With the help of his family and friends he maintained that happy glow,
Too absorbed in his intoxicated joy to heed the warning of a world full of woe.
He grew up justly in his community and playfully with his peers,
Promising them forever through talk of college years.
Through one forlorn summer holiday his other life began.
A war was raging in his homeland and his beloved family was in the jam.
The war changed faces and took an unforgettable toll.
It drove him into melancholy madness, still raging on after in his soul.
All his childhood friends soon became dead ends within a bottomless chasm,
While he slipped into a communication breakdown, void of their playful sarcasm.
He’d pathetically brag that he was as weary as can be, but little did he know,
An incubus was creeping up on him to crush his claims, a self-reflected foe.
Through restless times within the midnight mass,
He could feel it linger inside of him, consuming his past.
The demon latched on to a link in the downbeat dialogue of his mind,
Spreading its words of hatred and doubt in all the love that it could find.
Heart palpitations rose from under his surface with no refrain,
As he would pray for some kind of cancer to thwart the emotional pain.
One time he asked his mother twice if she loved him as she folded his clothes.
She replied indubitably, “yes”, and then called into question what God only knows.
The answers never satisfied.
They were blocked out,
Never realized.
So he drowned under what he could not control,
Another casualty lost after the war.
What do you think of ma poem?
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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This is an honest and emotion packed piece. i quite liked it. War does suck. Thanks for sharing this.
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Well poertry is an eye, a special eye which every one does not contain, and the this way you have that eye, that special eye which makes you a sensitive poet..love the realisation you had as a poet her..well done..
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Wow, this was a very emotional
piece and so powerful expressing
the struggle of war, death, & loss.
You have penned a tragedy so
beautifully.. amazing job,
Kudos!! -
wow, DEEP
i really loved the deep emotion
i could see this guys life going through my mind like an old movie =]
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Awesome
This poem was awesome. Even though my vocabulary isn't very extensive...it was very emotion felt. -
oh wow. this is such a sad write, it was lengthy, but it the emotions packed into this poem made it worth the read. it told a sad sotry, and i love poems that tell stories. great write! keep penning
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Wow, this is so heartfelt and emotional. It speaks volumes to the reader if they really open up and let it tell its story. I have a husband in the Marines and my dad is Air Force so this speaks to me maybe a little more then most people. Its another fantastic write and I look forward to reading many many more from you in the time to come. Again thank you for posting this here on AP for all of us to read!
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Woah.
That was so...Amazing.
It was the best I've ever read. No Joke.
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As a young writer, it is good to experiment try different ways to say what you feel, here you have done well; you say every word and i think you mean them too; if you read others you will see some make ideas come across with few words, with images...ideas in images...I once described a lonely, isolated person as a " a single pine"...things like that. This is very good, you are off to a terrific start as a writer...all the best...PK
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Excellent content, and the rhyme is very good, I like the suggestion that timeless wisdom gave you, as far as breaking it into verses, some poets are strict with things like that once you enter some of the contests here. I have much to learn about meter but it helps me when I count syllables and try to be consistent with that on each line, it makes your poetry flow better and easier to read with no stumbles.
I like your ability to rhyme because that is my favorite style also. Welcome to ap and continue to spin out wonderful themes such as this one. You are going to love it here.
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Superb
I really like this it's very exciting and dark my best lines were :The smile that could penetrate through to your heart and leave you aimless for awhile.
This poem is really good i give it 10 out of 10. Many thoughts put into this i can tell great effort!well done and keep penning
Lana
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You are an amazing writer, but I think you knew that already. At 15 years old... It truly surprises me that one can have the emotional toll to write like this. A beautiful write here, although, I think this one as well would do good in stanzas. Great work!
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Splendid writing, though I think that it should be seperated into verses. The lines are long, but I don't think you should change them else chance lowering the quality of the overall work. create the verses by placing extra spaces where you see fit and if you see fit. you can do this by going to your poem and click on the "edit poem" hl on the right side of the screen. just keep doing this till you get the desired effect. If you need help with the lines, try referencing with, "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe. He has similar line construction to your poem. If you ever want to shorten up your lines, thats a great place to start.
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I could feel the torment of this young soldier, you amaze me that you are only 15!, This is full of upwards and downwords emotion. It was well written, loved your rhyming. Blessings.
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Excellent such a downward spiral of emotions. Such is the journey into the mind of a child of war. You played this out well in your piece. Kudo's
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Wow...this is brilliant, a powerful and tragic write.
Great emotion and imagery.
"The demon latched on to a link in the downbeat dialogue of his mind,
Spreading it's words of hatred and doubt on all the love that it could find".
Well done.
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Has a little bit of a dark air to it
So, it really needs breaking up into verses if you want people to really understand it. The lines are to long as they are and its just like a big clump of words TBH, quite of putting aesthetically. The write itself is indeed superb, such strong emotions portrayed. But some won't read while its displayed like this. Very nice write tho
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splendid poem...great work ....keep going..... well done and best wishes.
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You pen etched so much from your title
and within ..
Great flow
I personally would have gone from never satisfied to so he drowned .., leaving the other two lines out
Well done to you and best wishes
Julie
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i love this poem
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an amazing write that captivates the reader. might be easier to read and comprehend if put into stanzas. thank you for sharing your wonderful talent. keep writing! God bless you always
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You did an amazing job with this poem too. I think it would be even better broken up into verses though. But either way, I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing with me.
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You seem to have a dark theme going on with you poetry but there's nothing wrong with that. you might find it better to break the poem into stanzas or verses there are some great classes you can take for free. just go to Learn in the menu and choose. You write with an ocean of emotion well done....
Cyber Artist
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Wow! This is great...
I do agree that it would be better broke up into stanzas though. i love the emotion in it!
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this left me speechless
the flow and vocabulary you put in ur poetry its very good.but stanza's will make it a little better
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Again, this is another poem to prove how talented you are...keep up the good writing, poet...
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As for the content, this was a very well penned poem.
But this would look a lot better and be easier to read if you broke it up into stanzas. -
I REALLY like it! Amazing theme!
But I agree with the others...it would be better if you break it up into stanzas...it makes it easier to read , understand, and keep the rhythm! =)
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Once again I have to agree with below, break your poem up into stanzas, it gives it a better feel and is easier to read as well. Check out some of mine if you like, any questions, just ask me. For one so new to the site, you're getting a lot of comments. This poem is very sad and you've done it well, and also you are good at rhyming, just structure it so it looks more like a poem, and not prose. If you want it to be prose, than it's ok but put it into stanzas. And if poetry is what you want to write, than it needs the right structure. Anyway keep writing and you will get better.
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Again, welcome to AP. Another good poem...but as I said before, try formatting it in to 4-line stanzas...so, type four lines, then (to make a space) type foure more lines...and so on...
An Example
Let me be the first
To welcome you
Through our doors you burst
To become a poet true
You join our family now
and we hope you'll stay
And maybe somehow
We'll help you write a better way!
A place for friends
a place to write
where art never ends
but continues through the night!
I am Raymond
Consider me a friend
Also called Timeless Wisdom
I hope your stay here never ends!
Welcome to AllPoetry!!!
~Raymond~
__
See, I Typed four lines, skipped a line, typed four more, skipped a line, typed four more...so on and so forth. Let me know if you need any help with anything And once again, welcome to the site!!
Raymond
AKA ~Timeless Wisdom~
AP Member for 4 years
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Good poem though I wouldn't squish everything together, try putting it into stanza form.
Welcome to Allpoetry. -
REALITY
I would use a different word "indubitably". One kind of stumples over it. Again...
I like rhyme. With that usually comes stanzas and meter. Some of the lines run a bit long while still rhyming, which sort of inhibits the flow. And I would break the different thoughts or points you are making (pictures painted) into stanzas and then even them out. Overall I thought it was a great write! You are a good observer.
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I think you have the makings of an excellent poem. You have a meaning to express and no shortage of rich diction to do it with.
The most noticeable reason for me, why this feels as yet unfinished, is a need for a more defined arrangement and attention to rhythm. This has been made all the more important because of your choice of a 'rhyming form'.
Just going to try something...
He started out as a baby
with a blessed tender smile,
which could penetrate your heart
to leave you aimless for awhile.
With the help of his family and friends
he maintained that happy glow,
Too absorbed in intoxicated joy
to heed warning of a world full of woe.
He grew up justly in his community
and playfully with his peers,
Promising them forever
through talk of college years.
... this may not be how you would arrange it but you may find that it helps to see what's going on with its construction rhyme and rhythm; how it works and from there can be improved far more easily.
Excellent potential, I believe you have the most important ingredients already, which includes having 'something to say'. Keep writing and very well done!
Sol
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Thank you so much for your time. You are as friendly of a poet as I have met. I am grateful that I have great people such as you to show me the right ways to approach my writing. Your kindness and attention are very much appreciated. I am definantly looking forward to reading your poetry. Keep up what you are doing cause it is great!
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You're most welcome Bassem.
I'm not so sure that there is a 'right' way. I think most would agree that it's a question of following your own 'taste' which can be helped to develop by the sharing which goes on here. I'm still much a learner myself and have been helped much in this way... be influenced by what you like and leave what you don't, is what I'd say.
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I think you have the makings of an excellent poem. You have a meaning to express and no shortage of rich diction to do it with.
The most noticeable reason for me, why this feels as yet unfinished, is a need for a more defined arrangement and attention to rhythm. This has been made all the more important because of your choice of a 'rhyming form'.
Just going to try something...
He started out as a baby
with a blessed tender smile,
which could penetrate your heart
to leave you aimless for awhile.
With the help of his family and friends
he maintained that happy glow,
Too absorbed in intoxicated joy
to heed warning of a world full of woe.
He grew up justly in his community
and playfully with his peers,
Promising them forever
through talk of college years.
... this may not be how you would arrange it but you may find that it helps to see what's going on with its construction rhyme and rhythm; how it works and from there can be improved far more easily.
Excellent potential, I believe you have the most important ingredients already, which includes having 'something to say'. Keep writing and very well done!
Sol
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It doesn't matter how it is written, as long as you are happy with it.This is a wonderful poem, not prose, perhaps classified as poetic proseYour only 15 this amazes me, you are going to be a shining star among many.This is exellent work, be blessed in all you do.
Tony
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Thank you so much for the wonderful comment. I am just an amatuer. I thank everyone for the encouraging just as much as the constructive critism. They both help me grow. Right now I am just taking it easy while learning and enloying the ride. You are a great guy and I am really looking forward to reading your works when I have time.
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interesting
again look at form, the bones are strong but this is prose, which is not the best venue for a rhyming scheme; try working with your spacing of the stanzas it will make a big difference -
nice dark and abit of misrory i love it good work
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The content of your writing is so sad and so true. A war casualty without lifting a finger one way or the other. I have seen it happen. However it's more poetic prose than poetry. You have put your message across very well, and I see no grammar faults or anything Well Done.
Im coming from me to you.
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I am just a beginner but i thought it sounded like a poem because it rhymes well. How would I make it more of a poem
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