Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

La cage d'enfer

The light fades to gray
as the mist closes in.
Icy skeletal fingers
stroke at my skin.
My heart refuses to quit
though scarred with pain.
Kohl tinted eyes
bleed blackened rain.
This is a nightmare
from which I can’t awake
but tomorrow’s a choice
I refuse to make.
I’m trapped in hell,
an empty shell.



Author notes

Prompt: Picture
Picture Credit: http://skategirl.deviantart.com/art/Nathalia-113740864
40 – 60 words (56 used)
La cage d'enfer – Hell’s Cage

A contest entry

Critical Comments Always Welcome

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Amarillistarshot silver member
    April 20
    Edit | Reply
    Very beautifully done. I have a few constructive comments... the line 'from which I can't awake' didn't fit quite right. I felt that 'wake' would fit better... And the last two lines seem so incomplete. I felt that you broke from the pattern, and I wasn't sure why when the pattern before was so flawless. All of it above those things was wonderful, though! I loved it! Congrats on the trophy.


  • Jesann gold member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful take on the pic prompt.
    Love the lines...
    "Kohl tinted eyes
    bleed blackened rain."

    Great imagery, another wonderful write.
    Congrats on the silver.


  • CoundessaScarlotti
    March 9

    Edit | Reply
    If you don't mind a little constructive critisism from a friend, I think you ought to look over your rhym scheme one more time. You're on the right track and the wording is nice, but it kind of falls short of what it could be.


    • KayJay
      March 9
      Edit | Reply
      Don't mind in the least Thanks for the comment

      Ken


  • Sweet Impatience gold member
    March 9

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent take on the prompt. I was reading and I got to about lines 3 & 4.. I'm thinking that maybe line 4 could be changed a bit.. "Icy skeletal fingers" [line 3]
    "stroke at my skin." [line 4] how about instead you might say "stroke my skin" "at" doesn't seem to fit at least to me..
    I personally love the last 6 lines nice dark poem that you've written, the imagery is vivid.

    good luck
    kat


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    As always, a lovely write. Normally, I'm not fond of the rhyming, but yours never sounds cheesy or forced... & that can't be said for many people anymore. Well done & good luck... Not that you need it, of course


  • DeJaBlue
    March 6
    Edit | Reply
    Absolutely wonderful piece you have penned for the prompt. Good luck in the contest.


  • Mariana gold member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful take on the prompt. Well done!

    Mariana  


  • Carolina Moon gold member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Just beautiful..I started to write for this pic but didn't wanna go all gloomy again lol You have written for it with your usual talent!! Best of luck to you!

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is a great take I was going to write for this pic but could not think of anything best to you in her contest be well


  • wynd-fyre
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm.I like this. A great representation of the picture. Nice imagery through word choice. good flow.

    • KayJay
      March 6
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you... It's a bit representational but some day's thats the best you can do I appreciate the read and comment, however...
      Ken


      • wynd-fyre
        March 6
        Edit | Reply
        I think that representation is good, especially as that is the point of such things. And you did well!

1 - 13 of 13