No reaction to light, crossing path with pupil
no steam on the mirror, placed beneath nose
chest no longer rises, in rhythm with mine
yet I held your body and rocked you for a time.
Hot salty tears fall silent from my cheek
you react not, as they fall, on your lidded eyes
that only moments ago I reverently closed
slowly the heat leaches out from your body
as skin tone stiffens, like your glazed over eyes.
Sirens in the distance, too late the Paramedics…
better send a coroner and hearse from the morgue
prostrate and spinkter muscle’s, obviously relaxing
urine stains my lap, when death smell, exits bowels.
Just an empty shell that my friend no longer lives in
acceptance rushing in, I look up and say goodbye.
Author notes
http://noctam-bulle.deviantart.com/art/Dying-in-my-arms-III-78813995
"Frozen in time without your touch, without your love, darling, only you are the life among the dead." (Bring me to live)
BluesMan
In a list
A contest entry
- AP Family...Im looking for you :o by DeadlyPoetic88.
900 points, ended March 12, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Guaranteed Comments! III by Nam.
1750 points, ended April 14, 159 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me smile by Great Puppett V.
725 points, ended October 22, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Things we can't talk about. by WednesdayJade.
850 points, ended November 16, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Death by Blood N Tears.
625 points, ended November 20, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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wow..... thanks much.
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='[ this is a very sad write. Really emotional, I like it and I'm sorry if you had to go through it.
Could you please add AP name in your notes.
Thanks for entering.
x x x -
Thank you
Makes me cry to see the smile this brought me.
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Very good job! I loved this! Thank you for entering and good luck!!!
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I assume this is a sonnet?/..wonderfully penned..a snippet of a story..a moment stilled in time...very nice write with great imagery
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i like how you don't just give up once you realize your friend is dead.
this makes me feel sorry for this person. -
Aw, this is sad. But I like the emotion and the wording of it all. Very very well done.
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There's a lot of really great, unique imagery in this poem. I enjoyed reading it because while I've read poems like this before, this was done in a completely different way and it was very effective. A few comments:
1st stanza, third line, I feel like it would flow more easily without that comma.
In the second stanza, you use the word 'eyes' at the end of a line twice. Could there be a different word with the same effectiveness that could replace it in one of those lines?
3rd stanza: misspellings:
prostrate - prostate
spinkter - sphincter
grammar/punctuation: take out the apostrophe in 'muscle's' -
wow. such imagery and feeling. great take on the prompt and wonderful write
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This poem was kind of off-beat but I liked it. It was unique, and described a death perfectly. Beautiful imagery! I could see what was happening in my head. Very nice overall, even though you spelled "rhythm" incorrectly. Thank you for entering my contest.
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I am very irked by the fact that you included the voiding of bladder and bowls. I have a strong stomach, but I just feel that this takes away from the piece. It cheapens the reverence of Death, in a way. The rest of the piece has good potential, though.
Best of luck and thanks for entering! -
excellent write. You describe death very well. Your imagery is dead on. Plus, I like the emotion that you put in this one. Great job. And the picture goes well with this as well.
Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering it into my contest. -
This is very good and shows how death in the hands of someone who cares can be compassionate.
"Sirens in the distance, too late the Paramedics…
better send a coroner and hearse from the morgue
prostrate and spinkter muscle’s, obviously relaxing
urine stains my lap, when death smell, exits bowels."
Boy that would be messy, I sure hope when its my time I dont go this way.
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Deep and vivid
You tell moments of death
excellent
Love the quote in your AN
You have intringing writes
Well done poet
Thanks for the share
Darky
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Beautifully written in all its sadness! Best wishes in life and the contests!
In God's Love
Three Doves
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Heartfelt!!!!!
A very emotional poem that touches my heart. It describes exactly how my son died two years ago. Much too soon for his age and much to quickly to say goodbye. Thank you for sharing. Take care, Sandy
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Excellent imagery within the content of this piece and it is also a great take on the photo--Very Well Done
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this is so true through the demise of a person....living without or with can only be brief through memories, thank you for this read...good luck
Linda
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interesting.....
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This was different. I really liked how this poem flowed. Your picture is perfect for the poem. I say this poem gets you a 3. So you have a total of 17 points. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you. kahy
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"urine stains my lap, when death smell, exits bowles." -- "bowles" is a botanical plant, I think you mean "bowels".
Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Has great imagery.
-Nam
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Wonderful job on this piece!
Everything works well together.
Bravo!!!
♥ Kate -
Great word usage and description. I liked it a lot.
Michael
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You have penned the reality of a loved one dying in your arms amazingly well. The pain and feelings in this are palpable and brought tears to my eyes. The hardest thing of all in life is being able to accept that when a loved one dies...that they are gone and saying goodbye.
Wishing you the best
~sugar~
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I spoke too soon on your last poem...this may be my favorite! You are so talented. Do you have anything published?
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very graphic description of death. It is sad, but all too true. This must have been hard to write ... I'm leaving it on the reading list for next week.
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Quite chilling and very detailed. Well written.
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This is very well written. I loved the flow of the poem and the way it came across. Very well written.
-deadly -
This is so intense, brother~! Very good throughout the poem overall. Due to it being more of a 'free write', why not put small case letters at the beginning of each line, ( except for the first ones of each stanza)?
This graphically points to the dying process step by step.
A few misspell/typo oopsies.
Thank you so much!
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I love the realism in this piece, it's harshly lovely, and the image adds a lot to it. I am so so so sorry though....
-Lena -
Chilling
This sent chills down my spine. This is vivid and real and truly tragic. It reads like a modern day sonnet.
Well done poet!
This should have garnered the gold. I am sorry I was not the judge.....
- jo -
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Vivid...I liked it up until the third stanza...then it kinda lost the mood for me.But the last stanza is good.
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The third stanza is the cold slap of reality that allowed me to have acceptance over this life changing moment! You see my friend this is not a poetic story. It's a poetic reality written about a true event in my life.
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True, and I agree...I guess that I just like the more ambiguous timeless could be anything anywhere feel to the first part, it is the almost romantic death scene...So, I agree with you that it works.
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