Few people know of New Jersey's claims to immortal fame,
So pin back your ears and listen to my peroration:
The most densely populated of all American states,
This veritable dormitory zone boasts some of the richest
And also the poorest counties in all the proud USA
(thus allowing the poor to gawp in jealousy at the rich
whilst the rich can gaily laugh at others' abject poverty,
a truly joyous state of affairs for all concerned).
I was travelling through this wonderland one winter's day
When the weather was colder than a brass monkey's testicles,
Driving my gold-plated Jaguar XJS through the slums of Camden
In order to give the pathetic residents something to stare at,
To brighten up their drab and pointless little lives, bless them,
Accompanied by my gorgeous new seventh wife Esme-Rose
(dressed up as the Virgin Mary thus to please the Portuguese
who always enjoy a bit of idolatry I have heard it told),
When we accidentally drove into a group of Jewish mourners
Who were streaming blind drunk out of a synagogue,
Eager to re-open their pawnbrokers shops before curfew
(Camden can get a bit rough after seven pee emm).
Having flattened a dozen of them, they got slightly annoyed
And pulled my pulchritudinous spouse out of the car
In order to rip her totally limb from delightful limb
In some form of kosher atavistic 'revanchiste' ritual.
Oh balls, what a horrible mess they made of the bodywork
Of my fine top-notch English-made imported motor vehicle
(I had much difficulty in wiping the coagulated blood off later),
Before I could speed off safely into the sunset,
Eagerly seeking an upmarket bar to have a dry martini
And maybe look round for a horny hooker for the night.
The gold old NJPD traced me down the very next day
And insisted on a truly enormous bribe in hard cash
To let me go my own sweet way - and to make it worse,
They stole the late lamented Esme-Rose's used thongs
In order to relish their primordial odours and stains.
I really cannot recommend New Jersey for a vacation trip
(unless you positively enjoy violence and urban squalor
and don't mind waiting for a pump attendant every time
you need to pump some gas into your automobile).
At least you are allowed to pump your own gas out,
A proud NJ tradition in all the best bars I do believe,
Bursting butchly out of your patriotic plumbers' cracks.
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