I’d just like to say:
I want to thank you.
I want to thank you
For never asking where I went
On Tuesday lunchtimes.
I didn’t tell you
Because…
Not because I didn’t trust you
But because
I didn’t want to hurt you.
†
One day you’ll know
I was cutting
And needed help.
But not today.
I’m sorry.
†
Of my three best friends
You’re the only one who didn’t know.
Jazzy was pushy,
As always.
Holly pretty much knew,
But you.
You read what I said
And what I didn’t say.
Someday I’ll say it.
But not today.
I’m sorry.
Author notes
This is true. Why do I keep writing stuff that's true? I don't know. Real life is stranger than fiction. I've been meaning to tell my friend what's been going on, but she's so much of a friend that she understands if I don't want to tell her. Thank god for friends like that.
xxx
PS This was written in about three minutes, so sorry if it's really really bad, but I have to go to school. I might edit it at some point
Update: I have changed various things as suggested by BearWoman,So thank you! (09/03/2009)
xxx
A contest entry
- Friendship's Rewards (#1) by BearWoman.
700 points, ended March 19, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Ever loved a friend for not being too much of a ... friend?
Comments
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Final Impressions [BRONZE]
You brought home the BRONZE for this poem because (1) every time I read it, it evokes a response of compassionate understanding within me, (2) it conveys clearly the value of a particular aspect of friendship, and (3) it is complete within itself.
You did an excellent job of polishing this piece from its original form. I strongly encourage you to keep writing, writing, writing! Our interactions seem to indicate that you have the basic gift and skill of being able to tap into / identify / bring forth that which you wish to convey, as well as a decent grounding in the ability to articulate that. You accepted feedback, used it to your advantage, and learned from it, all while retaining your particular style. I very much would like to read what you have to write as you hone your abilities at this craft.
It never fails to feel poignant to me, and I still just want to
you. Maybe when it is time to share with that Friend, you can hand per this poem. If I were to receive such, I would be very touched by it. 
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Fresh and authentic
This is lovely, like a note you wrote to this friend. It has a very nice feel and authenticity. I like your relatively simple, straight-forward wording and the occasional loose rhyme.
I see you focused here on one particular reward of friendship, that of being allowed one’s space (having your boundaries and needs for privacy respected). With some changes, you could enhance this portrayal further.
Some of my most authentic writes have come pouring out from within me in a relatively short time. Like this poem, for me they sometimes come out 90% of the way done. (To see an example of a poem like this that another poet helped me to refine to its full potential, see my "Sundance Season" at http://allpoetry.com/poem/5105289 ). The ways I have used physical pain as a focus to express and therefore lessen my emotional pain did not come out in the form of cutting. Rather, they came out in other ways of pushing my body to and sometimes beyond healthy limits, and inflicting damage upon myself (by body) as a results. (Ever heard the saying, "No pain, no gain"? For years I was heavily into Tae Kwon Do, body building, and aerobic conditioning.)
I like the way you phrased this:
"Holly pretty much knew,
But you"
It is simple, elegant in its own way, and just has a "feel" about it that I like. I also like the rhyme combined with the long line / short line contrast. Nice.
Critical commentary:
You could change some of the punctuation (and possibly capitialization, although I don’t want to detract from your developing style) and line spacing to heighten the effect of this piece. I have included some ideas you could try, if you wish.
I would suggest adding a blank line after Lines 2, 5, 7. If you do this, then you will need a larger separation between what are currently the first and second stanzas (and between the currently second and third stanzas as well). You could either use two (or possibly three) blank lines, or one blank line + one "distinction" line (don’t know what it’s called technically) + another blank line. I would strongly recommend you keep a separation between each of the three thought concepts you have already portrayed.
A distinction line could be something like:
~
~~~ooOoo~~~ (this is one I created and like to use)
: :
or something you come up with. Play around, and discover what looks and feels right to you and for your piece.
I would suggest removing "That" from the beginning of Line 2 (the word "that" is often overused. Using fewer unnecessary words will tighten up and condense your writing). A good guideline for whether or not to include the word "that" is to take is out as see if the meaning still conveys.
"On a Tuesday lunchtime." consider: "One Tuesday lunchtime." That is a subtle change, and either way works. Go with whatever feels right to you here.
On the second stanza, I would keep the first two lines together, and then add a blank line between those two and each of the remaining lines. The last two lines could possibly be right after each other. Try it and find out which way you might prefer.
Including a period at the end of line 13 "help." will be more consistent with your other punctuation.
Given what I’ve already told you, I’m going to let you wing it on Stanza three. I believe you’ll be able to do that one on your own.
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Thank you!
Thanks for the constructive critisism, as I like to call it. It was very helpful. I hope you like the new, refined, spaced out version. One thing you mentioned - changing "On a Tuesday lunchtime" to "One Tuesday lunchtime" - doesn't really work. I have changed it to "On Tuesday lunchtimes", though, because it wasn't just one Tuesday, it was several. Anyway, thank you!
xxx -
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Magnifico!
Excellent changes.
As written, your "On Tuesday lunchtimes." strongly infers that this is a usual activity for you on Tuesdays. If the times were several though not almost always, you may wish to change that to "On several Tuesday lunchtimes." I have no other suggestions beyond that. It is now perfect!
I love your use of the cross as your visual spacer. It adds much extra dimension to your piece, as people have so many associations with that symbol. In this context I am thinking in particular of the archetypal imagery of Christ's sacrifice upon a cross (pierced flesh, bleeding, suffering, a path to redemption, etc. etc.): the combination of pain/suffering and spiritual elevation.
I must say, whoever you are (and I'll find out once this contest closes), you are a natural poet. Your words (if this piece is a typical example for you) convey so much more than I suspect you actually intended when you put them down. Great artists (think Bruce Springsteen) have an ability to tap into the social psyche and express that out within their creations. They aren't always able to intellectually describe or even intellectually analyze or understand how it is they do what they do. I think you are of that kind.
So what I further suggest for you is: Study. Learn. As it is right for you, immerse yourself in words, in other people's poems, in self-directed study of poetic forms, whatever. (I saw some "classes" of some kind here on AP that I'll be looking into myself.) The more you know about how to use the tools of your art in such a way that they become a natural extension of how your express yourself, the more clearly you will be able to convey meaning to others, and the more others will respond to your creations.
"Learn the rules like a master, so you can break them like a poet." ~ (I don't know the author)
You can do it. I know you can.
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