I see the sunlit girl,
as she pours tea into cups -
I keep turning away
Author notes
"filthy dog eating tools"
In a list
A contest entry
- haiku mania!!! by Luciferschild.
550 points, ended March 25, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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profound choice of words!!
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I agree with the comment below. Your title is so well done as an extension/introduction to the poem.
Much to think on in these oh so human reactions.
Well done. ~Pamela
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i really like this and i think the title gives so much to the poem. i see what the person below wrote about not knowing enough of the character for it to be relevant but actually i think that doesn't matter because it seems to me to be an experiential thing you describe; that movement towards and away from something and it asks the question why that might be. we all have our reasons. it could be a girl, an emotion an experience whatever. i think this is very nicely done indeed.
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thank you for your comment. I am glad you perceived what I was trying to get at ... it is really not necessary to " know " why we are drawn or repelled by people or situations. it is just such a common human response and I was trying to portray that. the " why " to me is irrelevant ... it is really interesting to me to see my response to situations and just really see it, without bias.
once again, thanks.
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very nice.
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thank you ... means much
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I like the image you've painted - in just a few words. The almost forbidden glances at an attractive girl, one who glows with the sunlight of youth, beauty even while doing a simple 'chore'....and she attracts ones notice.
I like this.
best wishes in your contest
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thanks so much for your comment.
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i feel as though this poem is lacking depth. there is no release or "wow" moment. the characters you created don't fit with this short poem. to me, it seems like you tried to make your looking at the girl forbidden but she is not enough of a character to make it work. try to make the characters more round and expand the poem---maybe after the contest you entered is done.
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thanks so much for your comment.
you are right about the "wow" moment ... there isn't one. it is more of a " wow cringing " moment. the title I chose, " glitter and the gray ", is very relevant to the piece.
once again, thanks for the comment.
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