A mirror,
looking glass
looking on another world,
where hate and discontent are memories.
Where love and soft dark,
rule with a gentle, guiding hand.
A place where the
hazel pools of her eyes
drowns me slowly,
dying in happiness and ecstasy.
A place where soft waterfalls
of her hair fall through my hands.
Rivers of plaited gold,
bringing love and serenity.
Looking through the mirror,
I see the seeds of this future,
implanted and thriving in me.
hope you like it pls use constructive critism
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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No
I agree with Laura. -
No.
For me, the repetition was over-done and over-shadowed everything else...just my opinion
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"A mirror,
looking glass
looking on another world,
where hate and discontent
are memories.
Where love and soft dark,
rule with a gentle, guiding hand."
my suggestion:
"A mirror to another world
shows hate and discontent
as memories,
where love and
soft dark
rule with gentle hands
of guidance."
Also, I don't like the fragments. That's why I changed the fragment to a regular sentence. By doing this, it gives the reader the impression that you aren't just trying to paint a pretty picture, but that you are actually trying to convey a message metaphorically. I have also broken the lines effectively in order to dictate the flow of the poem and also to place emphasis on certain words, such as "soft dark" - which was a cool expression. Usually words that are the first or last word of a line are the emphasized words.
To improve this, I'd suggest breaking the lines effectively like I did with your first stanza. I'd like to see how you'd do with the rest of the poem.
I'd also suggest an increase in vocabulary. Yeah, "soft dark" sounds cool. But otherwise, the poem seems rather simple minded, and that assumption is reflected in the diction.
Other than that, so far so good.
Let me know if you make any changes and need me.
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Left alignment is the prefered alignment of the judges. Left alignment will assist you in line breaking techniques. I'd suggest running this through spell check. Perhaps an increase in vocabulary would help too. Stronger imagery too.
What you have here seems like a good start to something. Just my opinions and suggestions, take them or leave them. Let me know if you want me to take another look after edits.
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Hey,
Just finished the edits. Wondered if you would take a look? Thanks.
Darkness gaurd your path.
DW
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wow
The imagery and emotion are awesome here. Good job I like it!!!
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