i was one when i was thought to be flawless;
but blemishes intoxicated my every breath, and like the plague,
imperfection slithered into my pores.
but no one noticed;
because innocence is all anyone ever wants to see.
---
i was three when i cried for reasons other than my own.
my baby sister cried alot and i always broke into tears with her;
because suffering is always easier when shared.
---
it's not fair to be shattered at six.
amberlee always told me that i'd never leave the ground if i was clinging to it.
for i was fragile and weak and desolate, and she said that one day, she'd fly, and i'd be bound to the earth beneath her.
one day,
she flew.
and i was forever infected with visions of
dead little girls and concave rooftops;
and sometimes,
i'll dream that i jumped off with her.
---
i was seven when i knew what it meant to be alone.
you'd lace my hair with lavender and i'd place my stars in the reflection of your aquamarine eyes, but even then;
i wasn't enough.
but for some reason,
she always is.
---
two-thousand-three is the year and the number of times i've regretted being born.
i trace my fingerprints out on paper
just to make sure i haven't lost
myself within them.
there are stars missing their point, candy-angles and metaphors for every way to say i-love-you, but not me.
i'm not there,
for i jumped out of myself long ago.
---
i was thirteen when i was told continents crumble and every person tells an average of five lies per minute.
i was thirteen when i knew that i hated nothing more than lies, and that despite every patch i'd frantically attached to myself, inevitably,
i'd crumbled.
it was that year that I'd memorized the color scheme of your irises, and it was that year that I also found out you'd forgotten mine.
---
at fourteen i'd set myself up for destruction; for some reason I was still clinging onto fairy dreams and perfection and icing and everything else little girls pray for.
but my letdown was nothing more than shaking palms and empty words and everything that was stained and cocooned.
that year, i'd found out that "i love you too" is inexplicably more beautiful than "i love you";
because i'd gotten tired of planet-hollow eyes and nothing ever being returned.
---
fifteen,
and i now know that things slip out of fingers much more easily than they fall in.
that gaining is simple, but retaining is what breaks you.
i've learned that plastic hearts and sky cut-outs are only beautiful because they're inanimate; because they're wintered and petrified and they don't have the opportunity to stop beating or to fall.
and that paper wings and rooftops aren't the way to fly,
unless you never intend to land.
Author notes
me reading this out loud:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ukfUKVfnp8&feature=channel
a n g e l a .
I don't know what this is.
hope you guys like anyways.
the name has been changed, but a girl I knew when I was six did infact jump off her two story roof and was killed.
In a list
A contest entry
- in celebration of my one year on AP! :) by etoile.
2250 points, ended April 29, 35 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prose. by swim.x.
700 points, ended April 2, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just give me your best by The Phoenix Returns.
700 points, ended March 24, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Feelings by Menna.
550 points, ended March 28, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything!!! Pre-writes! Whatever! by MysteriousWhisper.
500 points, ended April 14, 87 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do not judge me. by Serenity-words.
1800 points, ended April 19, 68 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Once upon a time, I ripped the wings from my spine. by On Frail Wings..
700 points, ended July 11, 71 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - give me one more medicated peaceful moment. by forbidden-colour.
400 points, ended May 28, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 74 of 74
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Whoaaaa !
I love this
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Wow Im in shock I dont even know what to say this is an amazing piece!! YOu are such a talented writer~
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I love this. I love the simple wording that was easier to picture in my mind. I love the few statements "suffering is always easier when shared" and "i'd never leave the ground if i was clinging to it". I liked the transition. My interpretation of a good poet is someone who points out the obvious, but in a way no one would think of, but at the same time, you know exactly what they mean. You did this here, and it worked well.
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i always feel so unoriginal commenting on your poems, but i cant help it because they are so fantastic!
favorite line I've seen in any poem in a long while:
"that year, i'd found out that "i love you too" is inexplicably more beautiful than "i love you";
because i'd gotten tired of planet-hollow eyes and nothing ever being returned."
this really made me think and realize that what you write isn't just beautiful, it's absolutely tangible and real.
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what a beautifully sad write, but oh how strong this is!
and the emotion in your eyes as you are reading this, i cannot even begin to tell you how genuine you are. in fact.. i mean i hope i'm not a copy cat but i think i want to post something of me reading. i like reading outloud do you have any more?? well anyway great write hun <3
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Nice write Thank you for entering.
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the beginning of absolutely every new stanza in this is brilliant, as is the whole poem. insanely well written, i looooove it. i also like how you added the video performance of you reading it so the readers could just follow along.
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i think the ending wouldve been a lot stronger without the last two lines. overall, it started out pretty strong and held throughout. a little long, but it was broken well enough that i didnt get bored with it.
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I just so happened onto this one again...and it almost moved me to tears to hear you speak the words. Last time I don't think you had yet posted the You-tube video. Kudos. This is absolutely stunning.
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What I like about your style is that you can be poetic while maintaining a "thoughtful" feel to it. You're so into the writing of this that it's easy for a reader, or for me, to give this attention throughout the whole write. You've got soul in your writing...and it's a beautiful thing.
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thank you. :]
<3
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great work just like all the rest
thanks for enteing -
i think year six is the best thing you've ever written. i really, really think so.
shattered at six.
(i thought this part was a little weird. sometimes it's amazing when people omit "i" but this one felt a little awkward, like it was really missing)
amberlee always told me that i'd never leave the ground if i was clinging to it.
for i was fragile and weak and desolate, and she said that one day, she'd fly, and i'd be bound to the earth beneath her.
(this part sets us up for the heartbreak later).
one day,
she flew.
(so intriguing and attention grabbing)
and i was forever infected with visions of
dead little girls and concave rooftops;
(flawless. amazing. amazing.)
and sometimes,
i'll dream that i jumped off with her.
(heartbreaking. this line makes me want to cry. literally, my eyes are wet just re-reading it.)
In conclusion, all the years were amazing, and I love this poem. But year six is the one that reallly ripped my heart out.
You're incredible, angela!
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awwww.
<3
thank you my dear.
yeah, it's all true.
xD
you're more incredible.
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hey, great job, I loved it, but this doesn't work for this contest. You obviously didn't read the rules.
sorry, but thanks anyways. -
this is beautiful. the imagery is stunning and I love every single word. the part at age 6 is absolutely heart-breaking.
goodluck and thanks for entering
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I think you should've gotten more trophies with this. It's so sad.
"two-thousand-three is the year and the number of times i've regretted being born."
I loved that. -
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aw, thank you.
:]
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I really love this write. It's EXACTLY what i was looking for, and I love the form. thank you for entering!
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wow.
I can feel a hole in my heart. That's the effect this poem has on me.
Your tone, your language, your images, your description, your metaphors... each line grabs the reader deeper into the speaker's mind. And we start empathising.
It's been a while since a poem has touched me this deep and has actually left me lingering with thoughts full of feelings.
I can feel the gradual changes that you've shown. The birth and growth of insecurity. The alienation, first from others, and then of the self. The fragility of the human personality, of the heart. The demands of life... i.e. "immaturity" and innocence to "maturity".
The "two-thousand-three" part stands out the most. I love your choice of images there. "Plastic hearts and sky cut-outs" have also been wonderfully brought forth.
Oh, in fact there are more. "Six"
Even though this piece holds a few cliched ideas, it fits so well that I can't complain.
Thanks for sharing it and giving me an opportunity to read.
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Wow, this is an amazing story, I love this very much the words just captivate you, and it is truly an incredibal write.
Thanks so much for putting this into my contest
Welcome to the finalists list
~Serenity
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but no one noticed;
because innocence is all anyone ever wants to see.
-----------------
oh wow deep and scary
on many levels
wow
insane
thank you so much for sharing with me
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this is a really great entry.
A great story
Favorite lines:
"amberlee always told me that i'd never leave the ground if i was clinging to it.
for i was fragile and weak and desolate, and she said that one day, she'd fly, and i'd be bound to the earth beneath her"
Thank you for entering and good luck in the contest -
wow this is such an amazing story. i am shocked that you are able to articulate your thoughts from when you were so young. that you were able to pull out the memories that caused you to have all the feelings that you put in this poem. this amazing!!! great job and good luck in the contest!!
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thank you for entering. well done
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Bravo! Congratulations!
Well deserved - this is a true gold
Excellent on so many levels!
I would not change one word of this poem.
It has the makings of a true classic!
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This is amazing. I love the story it tells and i really connect with it. I love your style, keep writing.
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I truly think this is an amazing piece of work. There were so many places where I was honestly moved by your words. I love love love this style of writing, and you've worked so many little pieces of yourself into this with refreshing originality.
"one day,
she flew.
and i was forever infected with visions of
dead little girls and concave rooftops;
and sometimes,
i'll dream that i jumped off with her."
wow.
I felt the emptiness...the pain. I could see the events unfold, and oh...it hurt..
"two-thousand-three is the year and the number of times i've regretted being born."
this line was completely original to me. I admire your creativity.
"that year, i'd found out that "i love you too" is inexplicably more beautiful than "i love you";"
now this line is the one I really nodded at...it almost brought tears to my eyes because of what I am going through right now. I adore this piece and I plan to read more of your work. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!
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quite a few grammar errors in this one major one I see is "I" is needs to be capitalized it it a prouper noun. Like a name. You might want to fix these errors
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i know what it is. it's a breathtaking, edge of my seat, beautiful, amazing, outstanding, wonderful, (running out of adjectives) and stunningly emotional. I LOVE this...
=)
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Thank you!
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i love your writing
=) -
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thank you!
I didn't know you'd read any...
xD -
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lol i've actually read a lot of your poems....your vocabulary is astounding and your writing is like really really amazing especially for someone your age...i actually thought you must have been a lot older and then i went to your page and you're 16 =)
i probably sound kind of stalkerish right now...lol
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thank you!
haha and I'm actually only 15. -
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i think it was the "almost-sixteen" that threw me off...!
lol i just realized that my last comment to you made me sound so much older that i acutally am =)
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That was sad to read, but I enjoyed reading it. The part about the little girl flying...I know that all too well. My friend tried to fly...but off of my school. This was well written. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
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Wow! Painful and amazing and beautiful!
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You have a way with words. This lingered a little longer than it usually does!
Thanks for the wonderful entry -
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thank you!
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interesting piece it seems like a true story and well done good descriptions
I did not think it was not a real story
but it was sad about life and death
good style of writing -
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it is a true story. <3
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i wasn't enough.
but for some reason,
she always is.
story of my life right now.story of my life. -
I would quickly change my mind if I were you if you still plan to revise this poem. It is perfect. It's amazing. It really really touched me, and I am so glad you entered it in my contest. You have an amazing gift.
Lauren
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truly stunning and breathtaking dear, amazing!
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thanks, love!
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ichigosama
that's so sad, yet true of reality. in real life, nothing is ever a fairy tale unless you make it true yourself. i hope you and the girl's mother is doing ok. great job and thanks for entering!!!! -
awh, this is sad. i thought this was a really good write . One of the best i've read.
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Aw, thank you!
that's such an awesome compliment. :]
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interesting and good poem, nice flow
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yeah, amazing. so sad, the emotion here. Good write.
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beyond amazing!
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wow. this is amazing. it's painful and beautiful and just heart-breaking.
my god, how do you come up with all this imagery?
XP. you need to read najji, the two of you are the most incredible poets i know.
http://allpoetry.com/najji
'paper wings and rooftops aren't the way to fly'
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'i'd found out that "i love you too" is inexplicably more beautiful than "i love you";
because i'd gotten tired of planet-hollow eyes and nothing ever being returned.'
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'there are stars missing their point, candy-angles and metaphors for every way to say i-love-you, but not me.'
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'i was fragile and weak and desolate, and she said that one day, she'd fly, and i'd be bound to the earth beneath her.'
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'like the plague,
imperfection slithered into my pores.'
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'sky cut-outs'
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amazingggg.
<3<3
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I just now found this comment!
aww, thank you so much!
what about like aanika and blackberry/broken-colours and sidereal!?
I could never compare to them! -
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phooey. in my personal opinion you are in the single digits of best poets on this site. [1 being best] probably around 3 or so. :]
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wow.
haha i don't think soo att allllll.
who're your top 10?
xD
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this is perfection.
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oh, gosh.
i don't think so.
thanks so much though!
any critiques?
tear it apart. <3
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you rock, sis.
"imperfection slithered into my pores." crazy-awesome image!
"and i was forever infected with visions of
dead little girls and concave rooftops;" poetic way to describe such a tragic situation. poor little girl. :[
"you'd lace my hair with lavender and i'd place my stars in the reflection of your aquamarine eyes, but even then;" pretty pretty words. that whole section is so sad, especially the ending.
"two-thousand-three is the year and the number of times i've regretted being born." :[
candy-angles = amazing image for my brain!
"but my letdown was nothing more than shaking palms and empty words and everything that was stained and cocooned." incredibly well-worded
planet-hollow = again, another awesome image. how do you come up with these? and you call ME original.
"because they're wintered and petrified and they don't have the opportunity to stop beating or to fall." wow.
and ending was like BAM! a punch and closure at the same time.
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glad to know you like. :]
this is the one I had to re-write.
xP
it was better before, haha.
any critiques?
tear it apart, lovely.
i want shiny trophy. O:
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sorry when it says dont read i jsut cnat help myself
omg this is great wow -
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it's finished now!~
do you like it?
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This is really sweet so far. I can't wait to see how you're going to finish it. :]
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finished. :]
i'd love to hear an opinionnnnn.
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Is it true that people lie on average five times a minute? I would say that the statistic doesn't apply to me, but who knows. I could be lying? Maybe we don't realize how often we lie... weird.
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Yeah, it is true.
just small lies.
yeah, we don't realize how much we do.
:[ -
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that is really awful.
D: -
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it's done now, i guess. xP
thoughts? xD
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Oh my lordy, there is nothing you could've done to make me want to read this more than to say, "don't read this."
and so i did. and it was AMAZING. The ONLY thing I would change at all is "fairy tales." You could find something more effective to give off that message.
This was realllllly good though.
I love.
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hahah you commented this way back then!?
you're silly. -
I finished.
you like? xD
hope so. -
It's nowhere near done. xP
just a rough start.
haha.
thanks thoughhh!
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I wouldn't revise; best as it is I think, but that is up to YOU. You have that something as a poet; hold on to it because many do not. This poem caught my eye and I love it.
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It's finished now, and I'd love to hear an opinion on it!
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