i.
each sun
rose above your hips
with hints of horizons
silhouetted across
your skin
where the skylines
turned pitchblack
as miniature remainders
of death.
but you stood rigid,
convincing me
to breathe.
ii.
relationships passed undefined
because we couldn't choose between
half-dead and half-alive;
our existence depending
on terminology
so we passed through love consistently -
never reaching limits
and never progressing.
iii.
he left with subtle embraces
that smothered my neck
and hung delicately down my chest
exposing a burden i wouldn't admit
but i could revel in his ideas
and the closeness of his scent
when loss diminished itself
with memories.
iv.
silence was its own language,
leaking apathy into empty barrells
when distractions
pointed to a vacant house.
v.
the nightmares itched
in my fingers
like an escape I wouldn't
manage
and i couldn't die
when i wanted
vi.
the nights remained starless,
collecting dust in my pocket
he ran;
i couldn't.
Author notes
The emotional round - Final round
i. Love
ii. Confusion
iii. Joy
iv. Grief
v. Fear
vi. Depression
--
Ugh. I feel completely rusty so I majorly apologise this being up to an idiot's standard.
In a list
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 33 of 33
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i love it.
peace to all ~flight
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Oh Chandni, I'm sorry.
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Idiot standard
Surely you jest! This made me feel each bit as a separateness and a oneness. The emotions grab you and don't let go. I loved this 
c
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I've read this quite a few times whenever I was poking around this contest, wondering if I was ready to judge it or not yet... I could go on and on about all the great things you did here, but that would be pointless because through doing them, you fully understood the quality your were putting into this piece... I loved the way the ending bounced back to the beginning, and how I felt each emotion actually shift from vignette to vignette... quite a journey in this piece... and you've captured the essence of the emotional rounds, by displaying yourself so powerfully. Extremely well done!!
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thankies
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Judged:Adsaige
The only one who can call your poetry truly idiot is you. And once that has been said, I personally feel it discourages the judge for wanting to take the time to read and comment. (If you doubt your poetic voice how is anyone else suppose to applaud it?)
(I hope you don't mind that small piece of advice. Now, while using quick comment, I can take it by stanza and record my thoughts.)
The first stanza, yes, that reads as a gentle love to me, which works well. It is subtle and I think with some of the more almost flimsily grasped prompts, it is best to be subtle.
Stanza too feels empty but it holds a very special line. "we couldn't choose between half-dead and half-alive." That is powerful. I think that conveys the confusion well. Honestly, you need nothing but that.
Three, I felt loss. That was the word that stuck out the most too me, but it is odd because that is labeled as 'joy'. I did not feel that with that stanza.
Four, This also feels like loss to me with a small tilt of heaviness.
Five, there is immense despair.
Six, it is magnified here.
Overall, it IS a tale of love found, loss, abandoned carelessly by one. But I'm not sure you exactly nailed the joy part. It was a bit too off to me.
Thank you for entering.
Good Luck. -
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The joy part was basically about being burdened ... but being happy with it because of the guy.
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Amazing and beautiful!
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why aren't you on my favourites?
this is brilliant!
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stunning
i absolutely loved this!
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You did a beautiful job describing all those different emotions.
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Wow, Breathing taking, I swear.
Good luck with your contest, not that you need it, It's AMAZING. -
So good
really good -
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This is just superb, it explains so much about love, even love we believe is good for us when it isn't. I do love the vignette form, it seems you do it perfectly.. Best to you in the contest
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thank you
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awesome. i really really liked it. great write.
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Your works always astound me. I must try this form some time. I felt each emotion and how they all combine into one. Greatly written.
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Your poetry is amazing.
-slaps you-
You are too good.
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I don't think it's up to an idiot's standard at all.
I love it.
Vignettes i, iii and iv have to be my favorite. They were incredibly hard-hitting to me for some reason.
this had better win.
♣ Tegan
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lol thanks
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You are just too damn good for words.
Take care
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Sometimes being "rusty" can bring new ideas to the forefront.
nothing much could be changed here, perhaps a word or two replaced but thats just me being predantic.
I've read better from you, not so much better emtionally, but better with the way you show that emotion.
As usual your images are spot on.
Great ending
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psht. Give me criticism
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I'll wait until you've polished some of the rust
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you are stubborn.
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don't you know it
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This poem certainly fulfills the criteria set for the contest, but I cannot help feel that it was put together purely for the sake of the contest, the first few lines appear, to me, somewhat contrived and lacking conviction. You have written much better works, having said that there are some beautiful lines. The first part of the second stanza is very good and the final one too. There are some perceptive metaphors here that do alter ones view of a familiar situation. Hope you don't mind my comments. A good read, nevertheless. Good luck
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Well, some parts of this are about love [first few lines] and joy. I'm utter crap at those two.
I don't mind your comments, I'm happy I get them
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"as miniature remainders
of death."
Loveth that - the word 'miniature' is just so...hugely awesome.
"our existence depending
on terminology"
I love 'existence' and 'terminology' so close together like that.
"exposing a burden i wouldn't admit"
I'm not entirely sure why I love this line, but know that I do.
"but i could revel in his ideas"
Possibly my very favorito line, LOVE. It feels both reminiscent and just well...I likes it lots.
;
Jessica
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You always mae me feel better about what I write.
Thanks
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