I am but an ash, drifting by in the wind
Born from a diary,
Being burned under a bridge,
Only to be thrown into the water,
Never to be found again
I am a paper,
With one word, it seems useless
One word to a sentence
Never meant to be completed by inquiring eyes,
“Somewhere”
“Somewhere, someone will care once I have died.”
What did you think
Comments
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The first two lines caught me straight away, a very original and sensitive poem.
The last line is moving and delicately beautiful.
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Honest and Contemplative
This fresh poem in few words conveys a sense of ineffectuality as well as a sense of hopelessness that conveys a feeling of how little impact the POV character has on the world.
Your voice in this poem seems weak. While that is part of the point, there are some changes you can make to heighten the impact of it on the reader. Part of this would be to add some blank lines in various places to increase the pauses in the piece, emphasizing that the reader contemplate each thought more fully. Also, punctuating it more consistently like prose would be helpful. I will mail you some suggestions for your consideration.
To tie in the title, I would suggest adding in a reference to the "ember." Perhaps something like:
"I am but an ash, separated from the ember,
drifting by in the wind."
That would also increase emphasis on the sense of separation.
In the second stanza, I am sure you meant, "I am a pauper"
Nice piece.
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Thank you so much.
Thank you for your suggestions, they really are helpful.
This may not mean much, but I am truly grateful that you took the time to read my writing and comment on it.
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