blue sky, i am jealous of you
your face has never flushed with night
nor has your skin beamed anew
in dawn, or dusk with shades of fright
you have always been a baby, biting
a barren blanket, covering
my scars and burns from lightning
in your dark clouds, smothering
and they found my body hollowed,
thunder leaving a trail of stormy footprints away
to the heavens, which swallowed
the fire in my soul, as you finally turned gray
Author notes
oh boy.
In a list
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Eight [Top 5] ~ Semi Final! by traffic light.
400 points, ended March 7, 2009, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Shoot.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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wow, this is really good.
i fail at rhyme....
i love your imagery and the way it flows so concisely and yet manages to be chock full of painful, strong emotion.
i think the middle stanza would have to be my favorite, but it's really hard to choose just one part.
'you have always been a baby, biting
a barren blanket, covering
my scars and burns from lightning
in your dark clouds, smothering'
amazing job. :]
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thank-you again. I really enjoy reading your comments.
they bring my spirits up.
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it's really good...i liked the title a lot !! ~.~"
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A touching piece of work!
Strong lines, with lots of emotion!
"a barren blanket, covering
my scars and burns from lightning" -
is it what you said, or what you perceived, or the style you said it in; maybe it's the emotions shared, or a subliminal philosophy imparted; maybe it's just the quality of you, holding life in a wine glass and just observing it... or roasting it over a fire, on a stick, with a marshmallow... or reaching so far you don't know what you've just left behind... yes, maybe that's the x-factor- a series of poems one doesn't look back at, where the journey is the main theme, and so chaotic that it cannot quite be unraveled by the reader... where the writer has set himself free, and left himself extremely vulnerable... there is no technique for that- it is hit or miss, when many factors come together in a piece; this one you've gone over with a critical eye, and it perhaps robbed it of that x-factor; but when all comes together and happens to literal guys (like us?), then it is like an explosion...
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oh my. you are crazy, but I have never gotten a more interesting, awesome comment than this. thank-you for the read.
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"blue sky, i am jealous of you"
Wow.
Amazing opening line.
This poem is really really great.
Shelly
x -
I really like this! Loved the imagery.
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79
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 7/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 7/10
Impact/Reaction 7/10
flow/meter(if required) 4/5
rhyming skills: 3/5
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 3/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 79
You could have done better...
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87
Originality 8
Creativity/Poetic device 8
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9
Cohesion 9
Emotion/personality/edge 9
Impact/Reaction 8
flow/meter(if required) 4
rhyming skills: 3
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction: 5
syntax: 5
Title: 4
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
I wish this could have been a little bit longer. -
88
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
flow/meter(if required) 3/5
rhyming skills: 3/5
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
I have no comments...the rubric shall have to suffice.
Laura
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this is really beautiful..
like really beautiful..
like i'm sat here staring into space and imagining the sky. such gorgeous imagery and description is held throughout this poem. i'm left in awe, i could read this a thousand times over.
well done,
excellent write
i love it.
ElectricBloom
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That first line kills me every time I reread it.
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wow! heavy. i loved the first stanza especially:
"blue sky, i am jealous of you
your face has never flushed with night
nor has your skin beamed anew
in dawn, or dusk with shades of fright" - awesome.
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Sounds like this was a heavy duty moment here C
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at least it's over with now?
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