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on days where emptiness evaporates




blue sky, i am jealous of you
your face has never flushed with night
nor has your skin beamed anew
in dawn, or dusk with shades of fright

you have always been a baby, biting
a barren blanket, covering
my scars and burns from lightning
in your dark clouds, smothering

and they found my body hollowed,
thunder leaving a trail of stormy footprints away
to the heavens, which swallowed
the fire in my soul, as you finally turned gray





Author notes

oh boy.

In a list

A contest entry

Shoot.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • new born
    April 9, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this is really good.
    i fail at rhyme....
    i love your imagery and the way it flows so concisely and yet manages to be chock full of painful, strong emotion.
    i think the middle stanza would have to be my favorite, but it's really hard to choose just one part.
    'you have always been a baby, biting
    a barren blanket, covering
    my scars and burns from lightning
    in your dark clouds, smothering'
    amazing job. :]


    • Ryno gold member
      April 9, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      thank-you again. I really enjoy reading your comments. they bring my spirits up.


  • F a t i m a
    March 25, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    it's really good...i liked the title a lot !! ~.~"


  • lingonberries
    March 21, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    A touching piece of work!
    Strong lines, with lots of emotion!
    "a barren blanket, covering
    my scars and burns from lightning"


  • wbiro gold member
    March 19, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    is it what you said, or what you perceived, or the style you said it in; maybe it's the emotions shared, or a subliminal philosophy imparted; maybe it's just the quality of you, holding life in a wine glass and just observing it... or roasting it over a fire, on a stick, with a marshmallow... or reaching so far you don't know what you've just left behind... yes, maybe that's the x-factor- a series of poems one doesn't look back at, where the journey is the main theme, and so chaotic that it cannot quite be unraveled by the reader... where the writer has set himself free, and left himself extremely vulnerable... there is no technique for that- it is hit or miss, when many factors come together in a piece; this one you've gone over with a critical eye, and it perhaps robbed it of that x-factor; but when all comes together and happens to literal guys (like us?), then it is like an explosion...


    • Ryno gold member
      March 20, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      oh my. you are crazy, but I have never gotten a more interesting, awesome comment than this. thank-you for the read.


  • letters to no one
    March 10, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    "blue sky, i am jealous of you"

    Wow.
    Amazing opening line.

    This poem is really really great.

    Shelly
    x


  • baconlicious112
    March 7, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I really like this! Loved the imagery.


  • traffic light gold member
    March 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    79

    Originality 8/10
    Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 7/10
    Cohesion 10/10
    Emotion/personality/edge 7/10
    Impact/Reaction 7/10
    flow/meter(if required) 4/5
    rhyming skills: 3/5
    mechanics: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    diction: 3/5
    syntax: 4/5
    Title: 5/5
    overall opinion: 3/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5

    Total: 79


    You could have done better...


  • Bosky
    March 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    87

    Originality 8
    Creativity/Poetic device 8
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9
    Cohesion 9
    Emotion/personality/edge 9
    Impact/Reaction 8
    flow/meter(if required) 4
    rhyming skills: 3
    mechanics: 5
    rules followed: 5
    diction: 5
    syntax: 5
    Title: 4
    overall opinion: 5/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0

    I wish this could have been a little bit longer.


  • Laura Lamarca
    March 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    88

    Originality 8/10
    Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
    balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
    Cohesion 9/10
    Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
    Impact/Reaction 8/10
    flow/meter(if required) 3/5
    rhyming skills: 3/5
    mechanics: 5/5
    rules followed: 5/5
    diction: 5/5
    syntax: 5/5
    Title: 5/5
    overall opinion: 5/5


    Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5

    Total possible: 100


    I have no comments...the rubric shall have to suffice.


    Laura

  • ElectricBloom
    March 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    this is really beautiful..
    like really beautiful..
    like i'm sat here staring into space and imagining the sky. such gorgeous imagery and description is held throughout this poem. i'm left in awe, i could read this a thousand times over.

    well done,
    excellent write
    i love it.

    ElectricBloom


  • notorious gold member
    March 5, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    That first line kills me every time I reread it.


  • Nangaleema
    March 4, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    wow! heavy. i loved the first stanza especially:

    "blue sky, i am jealous of you
    your face has never flushed with night
    nor has your skin beamed anew
    in dawn, or dusk with shades of fright" - awesome.


  • Cannonsfire
    March 4, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Sounds like this was a heavy duty moment here C


  • the sepia vitamin
    March 4, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    at least it's over with now?

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