you scoop
tiny ecosystems
into the hollows
of your hands,
the moon echoing overhead
and breeze bringing
cold starry lullabies
rain drizzles
behind your eyes
in lazy torrents of
liquid euphoria
.
when it came to love,
I always packed a
crisp violet umbrella,
thinking it could shelter
my half-formed clay heart,
but it seems that your
scratch-out recollections
had nothing to do with
truth or butterfly wisps.
it seems you prefer
pushing me into cloud-voids
and letting them
drench me.
.
we stand inside shadows
of anyone but
each other,
your positivity a mere
cover-up to conceal
spider trails and
startlingly vivid goodbyes
"don't you know what you mean to me?"
I bite the words as they
gush onto the sidewalk
"don't you know that the past
doesn't matter?
all the things you once were
are canvas smudges
hidden in corners --
still part of the picture,
but not as noticeable as
the hard-outlined scene
in the center.
that's us.
that is this moment."
he pauses
as if his thoughts are stirring
to switch dance partners
a realignment for consideration
and a gathering of tears
in the angles of his face,
but the boy in the picture
keeps a smile.
X Factor. Prompt: Puddles.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I can't lie. I didn't really care for this. It has your usual brilliant wordplay-substance but not enough to make it stand out among your other poems. I feel like a jerk but your comments need some dissonance.
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this is amazing. i love your style, your words, your images...i love everything. i honestly truly love this. it's bittersweet, splotched with amazing bits of insight and color and beauty...oh, i know i am gushing now, but this is truly amazing.
powerful beginning, intense middle, punch-me-in-my-heart ending. this IS poetry. i LOVE this.
-checkmate.
PS: thank you for all your applausses and comments, i am so sorry i couldn't reply back sooner.
i was drowning in homework.
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"the moon echoing overhead" & "we stand inside shadows / of anyone but / each other" were great little insights and i'd never expect to see descriptions like that at all. and the line breaking of the latter is fantastically breath-y.
just... nonexistent gods, this rocks. XD
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see? no worries.
they all like it. -
Yes.
'tiny ecosystems' Best beginning ever.
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I like it a lot. It starts out natural. Then It gets sad, then its absrtact, and finally it ends with a smile. What an interesting poem. I really appreciate your style.
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Yes
i echo him before me.
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Yes
I thought you did an awesome job.
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Wow, this was really good! I like the emages you put in it.
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This touched me
In so many ways. I want to read it over and over again. contest and competition aside. this is a stellar piece you have here. Reminds me of what I am going through right now. Good luck. Maybe I'll see you in the next round!
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this whole X-factor thing is scaring me very very badly. D;
Tyler really never ceases to find things, does he?
xDDD
well Cassie liked mine, hallelujah.
I changed a bit of it, what do you think?
and I really really like what you've added, though I agree with Tyler about all the "ing" things at the end. :] -
"he pauses
as if his thoughts are stirring
switching dance partners
realigning to consider this
with tears
gathering in the angles
of his face,"At the end, you have way too many gerunds going on. [Gerunds: words ending in "ing"] The repetition jarrs in the reader's mind when hearing "ing" "ing" "ing" every other moment.
I would suggest rewriting that part.
Or: (my suggestion)"he pauses
as if his thoughts arestirring
switchingdance partners
realigning toconsider this
with tears
gatheringin the angles
of his face,"and then
"he pauses
as if his thoughts switcheddance partners:
consideration with
tears in the angles
of his face,"or
"he pauses
as if his thoughts switched
dance partners:
consideration with tears
in the angles
of his face,"
- there are several ways to do the line breaking here. I'm sure there are better ways to break the lines than what I've suggested. What I have there is a start though. At least you can see for yourself what you feel works and what doesn't.
I know I got rid of all of the gerunds. That's not something I intended. Maybe that is a good thing, because that'll give you room to use a gerund if you feel the need to. There isn't anything wrong with gerunds until you've used them too much, because the sound is repetitive then.
Other than that, you seem to have already defined yourself as a poet, as the good line breaking suggests.I'm usually not a fan of quotations, but it worked for me.
"it seems that you prefer" - the poem could do without "that".
Try to avoid using filler words such as the, that, this, etc. They are weak and don't serve as any economy for the poem. If you can remove some of them from this poem, then I'd suggest doing it. In the future though, try to write without them. Words like that drown our your imagery. Poems are also more fluent without them. Of course though, there are times when words like the, that, this, etc. are needed, so in situations like those, using such words would be fine.
Anyway, I really don't have any other criticism for now. What you have here is very good and is definitely enough to get you to next week. If you're going for a fast-forward pass though, this will need some edits.
Just my opinions and suggestions, take them or leave them. If you make changes, let me know if you need me.
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"rain drizzles
behind your eyes
in lazy torrents of
liquid euphoria"
Beautiful^^
The painting metaphor was ... ugh.
There aren't words.
It was fantastic. -
You are too better than me. It's like... everything you write is just this weirdly beautiful slipstream of colours that flows so perfectly together that my little braided strings of phrases can never touch it. So there.
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this is puddles, yeah?
first of all, palms is extremely commonly used.
which the judges might notice.
maybe add an adjective before it, or just change the word?
i loveloveLOVE the last three lines of stanza one.
and the first two.
moving on..
I love the image of "behind your eyes"
very lovely.
liquid happiness sounds...odd to me.
I think it's because this weird japanese/anime/whatever obsessed girl I know uses that phrase ALL THE TIME.
but that might just be a personal thing.
maybe like..
"liquid contentment"
"liquid joy"
"liquid euphoria"
"liquid exuberance"
"liquid elation"
I dunno, just a thought. :]
over all, this is beautiful.
but I must help you nitpick.
bwahah I want me and you to get the fast forward-ies.
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