i.
we were just a match-stick romance;
we'd explode into flame and shortly
after we'd burn out with sulfur tendencies.
you were my truth and I was your passion;
silouettes of enchantment would abandon us
soon after I loved you too much to let go.
but I was soon forgotten.
ii.
there are withering sunrises that beg for
your acknowledgment; but cigarette butts
and drunken love letters are all that binds you.
and a moment too soon, I confessed.
I confessed that everything I'd ever known
revolved around the letters of your name,
and everything I'd ever longed for I found in your irises.
the key part of this story is
how it happened a moment too soon.
iii.
you were glazed and I was lost;
and I would tear out my remnants
and offer them to you in belief;
but you never did forgive me for
falling in love.
neglect would tear us apart;
it would shred tears into glass
found on empty highways;
where the traffic lights couldn't
make up their minds and every
stretch of pavement screamed
"alone."
iv.
and I don't know how to
breathe myself into you
anymore.
A contest entry
- QQQUICCKIE! by luna-midnight.
550 points, ended March 3, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~Unrequitted Love~ by vicisstus.
400 points, ended March 5, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - True Emotion by Night Terrors.
400 points, ended November 15, 53 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm Crazy....but OH WELL!!! PREWRITE CONTEST!!!! by Kathraina.
575 points, ended April 18, 296 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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This was great, and I'm not into the whole roman numerals things. You tell four different stories, but you entertwine them in some way. They all relate to each other somehow. I like the first second and last the best. The very last had such an impact, and had so much emotion it knocked me down. your imagery and word choice were also great. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Josh
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Great job on this piece!
I love the story that you tell. Very strong and emotional.
Bravo!!!
♥ Kate -
Nice job this was a great poem. I like the imagery. You have a lot of emotion in this.
The positives:
A great poem with a very nice flow. I like your emotion. We all go through this at some point I think.
The Negatives:
I am not really into the roman numeral thing. You have three different poems with very different styles all wrapped up into the same poem. Might just want to separate them. Just my opinion though. Also you might want to use some capitalization. I think it would make this better structure wise.
My Favorite part:
neglect would tear us apart;
it would shred tears into glass
found on empty highways;
where the traffic lights couldn't
make up their minds and every
stretch of pavement screamed
"alone."
I really loved the wording you used here. It really caught my attention.
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You've created here a poem with room to breathe, like space between each stanza. And the words flow like magic, with imagery incorporated beautifully. Take care and thanks for sharing.
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Yes, good, stands up and says its piece and does so very well. :
there are withering sunrises that beg for
your acknowledgment; but cigarette butts
and drunken love letters are all that binds you.
These words make it go.
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Different
Very different. But intriguing. You have definitely captured what I'm looking for on several levels. And it's also written beautifully. Not to mention the interesting format. Good job. Best of luck in the contest!
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ohmygod. This made me cry...
damn...
I have read the cmment conversation between you & broken-colours and now I want to whack you with something! 13 golds in a row and you're good-ish????
what is wrong with you?
you are an amazing poet and this is proof. Get used to it and listen to your friends. *huffs*
Amazing poem.
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this is amazing
i. is just wow. i am just in awe of your writings.
ii. :
'and a moment too soon, I confessed.
I confessed that everything I'd ever known
revolved around the letters of your name,
and everything I'd ever longed for I found in your irises.'
that is just, amazing, there is no words to describe it.
iii.
'but you never did forgive me for
falling in love.'
those lines make me want to cry a little and hide in a corner.
iv.
'and I don't know how to
breathe myself into you
anymore.'
amazing ending.
just like...amazing.
my vocabulary has just deserted me, but this is fantastic
*bookmarking* i wish i could write like you.
♥
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Aw, thank you!
I love your stuff too! <3
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absltly amazing!
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there is withering sunrises = there ARE withering sunrises
drunken love letters is all = drunken love letters ARE all
shread = shred
congrats on the gold sweetie;
definitely well-deserved.
<3
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thanks sweetie, I wrote this in like literally 3 minutes for a quickie, so I didn't really have time to perfect it. xP
will dooooo.
that was my 13th gold IN A ROW!
but the streak has been broken.
I was just informed that I didn't win a contest.
so now I can't brag anymore. :[ -
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and you say you're not good
I don't think I've ever gotten 13 golds in a row! wow.
*applauds you* -
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it was a momentary thought of "maybe I am sorta kinda good-ISH."
but now it's gone.
'Cause I didn't win a emo contest with my ancient RHYMING suicide poem.
it was pretty great though.
because now I have like that whole like condensed row of golds.
bwahahaha. -
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good ISH?
do I need to whack you with something?
13 GOLDS ... IN A ROW??
silly.
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I feel like I need to whack YOU with something.
you = much much better than me.
D:
it was just a really really lucky streak.
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pfft,
whatever you want to think. -
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same to you, dummy.
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Wow this is an amazing write, absolutely beautiful great job wonderful write
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...there ARE withering sunrises....might be better...
...but cigarette butts and drunken love letters ARE all that binds you... Same here.
Only the two things above, But other that that, I like it, I think that by fixing those few things it will better, but it can't get much better than it already is!
Thanks for posting.
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silouettes
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oh what? Wasnt that spelling mistake. God, im such a terrible speller. My apologies:/
but cigarette butts
and drunken love letters is all that binds you.
-'is all that binds you'=why you are such an intriguing writer.
and everything I'd ever longed for I found in your irises.
-Would that sound better with a comma between for andI? I never know though:S
I very much love the ending. It seems desolate, reminding me of faint wisps of wind.
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The third part is my favorite. I'd say more but it's 1 in the morning...-.- Sleep begs for me.
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thank you! <3
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aw i love the ending because it has a strong impact! wonderful job, very deep poem, im sure alot can relate, i can relate to some parts
good luck and thanks for entering
Stephanie ♥ -
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Thanks. :]
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