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Shallow Street

 

his cracks, are my perfections

and I am worthy ofonly endings,

as his symmetry is my conviction

an image of interrogation,

 nobody believes

what the babbling bard speaks.

The static on computer screen,

some disconnected pixels of pacified lies,

that will never be viewable again.

Eyes, like pebbles, probing into a past

and shall we leave it at that.

Tears, should never fall in mirrors

as artifical animation knows no feeling

but does she echo my emotions?

Droplets of decaying deception lay,

on decomposing cheeks, burning out like stars

as teardrops scorch her memory.

She's so sorry she's no perfection,

tried so hard to echo expectations

but she's tired, of forgetting to fit in.

Author notes

AP X Factor 2 - Boot Camp, Week 1.
Prompt: Man in the Mirror

I changed this a bit... or a lot.
This time it's about expectations, how I don't want to be what everyone wants me to be anymore, because I don't know who I am.

In a list

A contest entry

.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • celestial
    April 17, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this. It captures the essence of just wanting to be who you are despite others expectations. Very good take on the prompt.I like how you wrote about reflections as artificial animations, and rhetorically pondered if the reflection can echo emotions. It stuck out well,and was very creative. Thanks for sharing.


  • Bosky
    March 9, 2009
    Edit | Reply

    Yes.

    You have good imagery. Just remember next time to shorten things up a bit. I think you can do it.


  • traffic light gold member
    March 8, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    The line that Laura pointed out is the main reason I'm giving you a "Yes". Other parts of the poem were too telling. I'd like to see more imagery next time. I think you can do it.


  • Laura Lamarca
    March 8, 2009
    Edit | Reply

    Yes.

    "disconnected pixels of pacified lies" I like that!


    Laura


  • Bosky
    March 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Sorry I've been so busy. This isn't too bad, but there are a few things I'd recommend you change.

    First off, the title is a bit cliche to me. I think you can pick a stronger phrase for that. Remember, this is going to set the tone for your whole piece.

    I would also cut the lines in half. Right now it seems a little bit wordy. Pronouns can be a mouthful, so think about getting rid of some of those, as well.

    Comment back when you have made some changes and I'll take another look at it for you.

    ~Cassie


    • xxRainbowDawnxx
      March 7, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      Completely rewrote.
      I hope this one is better. It's from the heart.


      • Bosky
        March 7, 2009
        Edit | Reply
        Very good emotion in this. I'd still say change the title and maybe work on shortening the lines, but I think the other judges will be pleased.


        • xxRainbowDawnxx
          March 7, 2009
          Edit | Reply
          damn, could've sworn I'd changed title.
          Maybe it didn't go through.
          Eh wells, doing that now xd.


  • Wandering Woodchuck gold member
    March 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Nice job. It seems part sci-fi, part horror. It is a great little poem of the macabre. Very well done.

    Mike


  • Emerald-Spirit
    March 4, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Yea...there a part of us in every mirror that we wish to never see or let through. Sometimes I can't even look myself in the eye. Anyhow, great write! Xds-gX


  • Candy Morphine
    March 4, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    My god, what can i say to the first stanza? It's so full of description and fabulous vocab. It's excellent.


    Though this is worded with complex dictionaries; the flow never breaks significantly. This poem is of your great standard.


  • L.Jay
    March 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    wow this was so deep i loved it!

1 - 12 of 12