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Your Second Hand Smoke is So Much More Addictive



I remember late night drives
how you would flick
hot ashes on my lap
and laugh
as I danced in my seat

you had all the answers...

you loved an audience
anyone who would devour
your words
and I too,
would lick the exaggerated
syllables from my lips

your tongue a marathon
of brilliant failure

oh yes, how I miss that

 

 

 

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Im still revising this piece. Constructive criticism is welcome

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Comments

1 - 22 of 22
  • Rossetti
    December 26, 2009

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    I really like this poem and I don't really think that it needs much revising. I do have two minior suggestions, though: I would change Addicting in the title to Addictive - it is stronger and also grammatically correct; and I would add another comma bfore "too" in the line "and I, too,"

    I have only just discovered you but rest assured that I will be back to read more.
    Chris


    • Catie Sheeran gold member
      December 27, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for reading and commenting. I really like your suggestion about changing the word Addicting to Addictive in my title. I like that so much better. I kept thinking it sounds off...so I have made those changes...thank u again


  • Forgotten truth
    August 22, 2009

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    I like this poem because its different ,, its real, something about tells a true story. And the best thing about it, is it makes the reader thing about a loved one who has there own weird little way… speaking of last night drives with my x, the good times.. the walks whatever…


  • Emmyb gold member
    August 21, 2009

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    an interesting piece here like.


  • Yemassee gold member
    August 16, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    It's not hard to hate those who have it better than us. I'm not saying it's right, but it's not hard. I can't say it's wrong to hate those who flaunt their better fortunes however. I'd have probably helped you steal their ice cream money back then...but since I was still an adult back then, I think that would get me arrested, lol.

    Anger is learned early, but so is injustice in this economic and social injustice in case.


  • Yemassee gold member
    August 16, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I so hope that last line is irony. I will assume it is...for if it isn't that would produce a whole other type of comment.

    Sometimes we never see the foolishness in those we are with...either choosing to ignore it, finding it an anomaly or feeling it somehow made them superior to us.

    Eventually we see them for what they are...clowns, fools and what not. The importance is to learn.

    No, I'd never miss that.

  • Tercarro
    March 13, 2009
    Edit | Reply

    It's all been said

    I looked below at everyones response and they have said it all.


  • xxSerendipityxx
    March 8, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I love this my favorite part is "you loved an audience
    anyone who would devour
    your words
    and I too,
    would lick the exaggerated
    syllables from my lips "

    Great write


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    March 7, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    LOL! This is brilliant! OMG I loved this, especially the end! Oh, you are a poetic force to be reckoned with my dear!

    With much love,
    mj.


  • Jonbug gold member
    March 6, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    "your tongue a marathon
    of brilliant failure "

    Friggin' LOVE that line!


  • Terry Collett
    March 5, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    100% darn good poetry.


  • Whyitt U
    March 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    The begining is pretty cool, all reminisant, but the middle...wow...what a brilliant peice of writing!! and the longing at the end..nice. Another beautiful write!!

    wyattxxx


  • Ken-Maverick
    March 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    "would lick the exaggerated
    syllables from my lips
    your tongue a marathon
    of brilliant failure"
    Very cleverly penned here!!!
    All the best to you in the contest

    Ken


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    March 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    "your tongue a marathon
    of brilliant failure"

    that's probably my favorite part, so well worded

    This was penned very well
    and your imagery was great


  • sharptooth
    March 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    has a lovely nostalgic feel to it, and at the same time some sort of loneliness gets brought into it the last three lines. very neat


  • jasminerose
    March 3, 2009

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    OH god, aren't we all gluttens for this kind of punishment.. there is another word for it..."charm" lol Brilliant as I have come to expect with you and that pen of yours
    Linda


  • SimplyNoodle
    March 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I love the way you make such visulent pictures in your poetry, Keep it up. ~ Chelsey


  • styrofoam
    March 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I love the way you write. so real. never a dull moment.


  • SilentTearsOnceMore
    March 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Awesome Great job


  • cup-a-joe silver member
    March 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Just like a case of the Flu, oh yes you will miss him..
    Very well done I love this part:
    ~you loved an audience
    anyone who would devour
    every word
    and I too,
    would lick the exaggerated
    syllables from my lips ~

    Greatness.
    Joe

1 - 22 of 22