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More Murder

 

 

I wanted to nip the grapes

directly from their trailing mother

and crush them

into watery liquid

between my bruised incisors.

I liked to devour them
straight from the vine
when they were still filled
with virgin blood.

 

But they lived

on borrowed time,

stealing life from the caregiver,

 

who needed to drop her children

one by one

or they would kill her

like lowly parasites.

 

So I turned them into libations

and let myself drink

their sordid lies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

prompt: beyond the vines
Image by arlek-in at deviantart.com

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

  • Never Fall in Love
    March 8, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I love it.

    However, I think it has soul - but it might not seem like that because it doesn't have too much imagery and that's something the judges will be fishing for quite a bit. (I know because I had tyler's dose of explanations in another round contest, lol)

    This style of writing is amazing. I've done it quite a bit before I had to change a bit but it's amazing.

    OH! and I so wanted to choose the prompt "beyond the vines" but I was getting absolutely nothing out of it - so right this moment, I'm envying you like hell.

    I still love you though


  • luna-midnight silver member
    March 7, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    yay you made it the first week, knew it!


  • Laura Lamarca
    March 6, 2009
    Edit | Reply

    Yes.

    I agree with Tyler's comments.


    Laura


  • traffic light gold member
    March 4, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    I think you'll sail to Top 21. But if you want to make it mainstream to Top 16, you're going to have to put in more soul.

    However, what is displayed in front of me is good. I enjoyed it.


  • Bosky
    March 4, 2009
    Edit | Reply

    Yes.

    Because you make me like things 'just because'. That's my explanation for below.


    • Bosky
      March 4, 2009
      Edit | Reply
      And why does AP take away emotions when comments are rated? No emoticons make me sound so...BLAH.


  • Bosky
    March 4, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Your poetry is always hard to critique because you have a different style (I don't know how to explain it ). I really like how you're taking a step back from your usual story-poetry and getting more into the metaphors.

    I like the flow of this.

    Question: What did you mean by 'libations'?

    Ummm, I really don't have much of anything else to say right now, so comment back if you have a question or if you want more help. I'll try and find something.

    ~Cassie


    • February Moon gold member
      March 4, 2009

      Edit | Reply
      li·ba·tion -
      1. The pouring of a liquid offering as a religious ritual.
      2. The liquid so poured.
      3. A beverage, especially an intoxicating beverage.
      4. The act of drinking an intoxicating beverage.


      • Bosky
        March 4, 2009

        Edit | Reply
        Got it, like it, thanks.

        Anything to ask? I feel like I didn't really tell you anything.


  • CaliOkie silver member
    March 3, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    More than just poetry, you write poetic stories that encompass the evolution of a thought or idea. Here, the grape, a metaphor for innocence/ideal love gets rendered down into wine, clouding the senses and turning truth into lies. Thus, the murder of innocence.

    At least, that's my take on it.

    This is an excellent portrayal of the concept through poetry. You are indeed a talented writer with a great deal to say.

    Garrison


  • emptyslate
    March 3, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Great! Wow, you changed it. I like it even better now... Clear in its meaning and well, woww...


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    March 2, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    Not to be repetitive, but I really have to agree with Ryan... you ARE brilliant. The way you combine all these intense words to create such potent imagery is amazing. You know I'm a fan!

  • Salty Hibiscus
    March 2, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    me too a very well done and finest work by you. i don't know what to offer my critique, really. actually i am terrible at giving my thoughts anyway. you are good.


  • Ryno gold member
    March 2, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    Your briiiiiant. With no l's. Because I's are cooler.


  • luna-midnight silver member
    March 2, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    help what!? this is like kicking mines ass 5billion times hard! omg, i love it, its brillant. and it keeps the reader...pfft..can i make you disappear until after poems have been judged hehehe. jk! i hope this does good and gets high
    good luck. and noooo bashing yourself!!!!


    Stephanie ♥

1 - 15 of 15