you said I was
doing well and
to keep up
the good work.
my ankles swollen
into the carpet
and I am one
with the earth,
by your recommendation.
vibrations hit the
roof of
my mouth
and how can
anyone sing
so sorry?
it is stuck between
my front lower
teeth, the need
to say no. I am
not doing well.
and who the
hell are
you to judge
me? to pick through
my membranes and
cells and
antibodies.
to shake your head
at the life
I've created, stating
"don't try so hard".
relax the arms
at your chest.
I rest inside
myself. or else
it's all over.
and there is
no color to
being in love.
just red blotches
and cancer on
ghost skin-
and it is the
sun that fucks
you over.
Author notes
this could contain 'pedestrian rhyme'. I'm not really sure what you mean by that, but I have a tendency to use slant rhyme.
I go to yoga every Sunday. It's a good time to think.
A contest entry
- Albino by Danna Hobart.
400 points, ended March 27, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice is welcome
Comments
-
Slant rhyme is usually fine. What I consider pedestrian rhyme is true rhyme that is unmetered and cliche. This worked really well. The slant rhyme facilitated the flow without taking over the poem.
The anger in this is so evident, along with the fear and pain. Thank you so much for entering. -
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Thank you.
-
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LOL!
I started to quote things but... LOL.
I laughed several times in delight when reading this.
I can't currently be critical because of that (all your fault).
As for "pedestrian rhyme" there is nothing pedestrian about this piece. Well, certainly not in the rhyme department, anyway.
There are some punctuation changes I would make, probably, but at the moment, this piece leaves me laughing and not wanting to judge your use of punctuation.
Such is emotional response
Lilac Moon
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excellent.
i feel like i haven't read your work in a while.
but i enjoy this. stream of thoughts with great word choice. a win.
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