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we both smelled of
working late; a mix
of routine, excitement,
and just a little
obsession
if devotion were measured
by word count, you could
promise me the world -
but not the coherence
of the classics
and all I would be
able to squeeze from my
fingertips, is the offer
of sixteen thousand commas
to help you understand
exactly why I need to know
what happens next
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Author notes
This was inspired by:
the softness of
wisdom whispering
in the twilight-
promises hanging
from pursed lips
From the poem Whispering Shadows by greyhaime - http://allpoetry.com/poem/4934447
A contest entry
- Greeter's Group Contest March by Miss Faerie.
800 points, ended March 29, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I loved the ending here.
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i realy like your style it make you stop and think what the writer is trying put
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Thanks for Participating!
I loved this. I never know what to say when I read your words, I come to a standstill of something effective and worthy...
This is really great. I adore the word choice and they imagery. Great metaphor.
Shari
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Hmm... I like where you took this. Love the same lines that Krystal pointed out. How perfect. Truly.
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I always feel deprived after I cross paths with your ink - because your words are always so ... I don't know a good enough word! ... but I am always left with stronger emotions swirlling around because I know I have just read poetry. Pure poetry & on the days I don't read your amazing words I am deprived
Best to You in the Contest
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thank you for the lovely comment! I'm so glad you like my poetry
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o.o
"is the offer
of sixteen thousand commas
to help you understand"
that is just wow,, I loved this,,I think you did a great job...
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Awweesome
Very enjoyable! I really loved the word metaphor, and I like how it continued throughout the poem. A lovely mix of a concrete situation with abstraction. I can offer no criticism, I feel like its complete -
Nice one-word title; sometimes one-word titles fail to grab me, but I think this one was and is really fitting.
I love how "together" this feels - like whoever you're talking about in addition to yourself feels like somebody you know very well, or at least, somebody you'd like to know well (which is a vibe I really really like, even if I'm totally quite fucking wrong).
Like in "we both" Love that.
"and just a little
obsession"
Calvin Klein anyone...I don't remember what it smells like. Although, I actually don't think you were referencing the perfume; either way, it works really well as an ending to S1.
"if devotion were measured
by word count"
Way cool.
Using a second 'just'...was that intended to mirror the one you used earlier?
I really really like this one Lllyyy.
;
Jessica
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I feel like I'm in a grocery line, anticipating when I can carry a box of Twinkies home...(haven't had Twinkies in AEONS but still)
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