Coughing, choking-
This panic,
It is familiar.
I cannot breathe,
And as I gasp for air,
My throat constricts.
My lungs are stinging,
I am screaming
But making no sound.
Companions, loves,
And memories-
Glowing embers upon the ground.
They surround me
As smoke and drift away,
Never to be seen again.
Cracking in the flames
As my vision
Begins to blur.
The heat,
It is unbearable
As my world burns around me.
I collapse as
My lungs and heart
Finally give way
To this fiery
Abyss.
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Written on March 1st, 2009.
-Sadien-
Author notes
Prompt: My world burning around me.
I haven't written anything in a few weeks or so, so this is pretty rough... But I really liked the idea of the prompt. I immediately thought of losing everything, and I also thought of the smoke affecting my breathing problem, so I sort of combined those.
Leave nice criticism please.
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Oh what ever... its not rough, I dont like when poets think that since they haven't penned in a wile they their new work sucks.... lol Girl you got a gift.. Keep up the great work. I really enjoyed it.
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I got a very clear mental image from this. I think that's a very important thing to have in your poems. You did this well.
Good work.
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This is very good. Well done poet
I like these parts
My lungs are stinging,
I am screaming
But making no sound.
They surround me
As smoke and drift away,
Never to be seen again.
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very intense imagery...i really liked this
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shhhh I have had these same kind of attacks... they are difficult to handle... just got to wait them out... calm yourself. Find out the reason for them and never do it again.
I can related to your writing here. It is an excellent read. -
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"Find out the reason for them and never do it again."
They aren't panic attacks. The attacks that I have are asthmatic and are caused by a breathing problem. The breathing problem is caused by a long story that I'd rather not get into honestly. So I know the reason why it happens. It's the doctors who don't seem to want to help me.
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I don't know how I didn't comment on this when I've read it over a bunch of times already! XD
I don't have much to say other than I really like it, and good luck in the contest! Well I guess I do have something to say. The imagery in this is really powerful. Yep. *runs away because my comment sucks* XD
~Sparrow -
Oh wow. I really love this.
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I thought I commented on this last night, but apparently I was mistaken. Hahah'... uhm'... yesssss.
Panic attacks suck. =3 I used to get them all the time when I was younger, and now it seems the curse was passed onto my little sister. She likes to abuse it, but meh'; that's neither here, nor there.
This poem isn't your worse, but it's also not your best. Know why? Because we never really know WHAT our best is until we're, like, old grannies playing bridge and shizzz. =P
Another wonderful write, my dear.
Don't forget to feed yer' Muse[s] pizza rolls! 
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not bad at all
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It reminds me of some of your worst unable able to breathe attacks...I've read your journals about them, and the poem seemed to reflect the fear of that. I can also see this being if you woke up with your house on fire or something. Scary stuff.
I think you portrayed your feelings well in this piece. I could feel the panic, the fear, the helplessness. You've always been quite good at expressing feelings through simplicity, creating an image very profound.
Well done.
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Thanks. -hug- I thought this was going to be horrible... I need to write more. I kind of lost the muse there for a week or two.
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Try searching through contest pages when you have trouble finding inspiration. It can really help with writer's block. It isn't horrible as much as it is simple, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing.
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