after being told
to invest in a few friends,
you find yourself recalling
when you used to have acquaintances
and once came home
to find that everyone you've ever known
had been inside your house,
devouring your poetry
and that sacred phrase
that you dug the heart out of your chest
to write
just last night.
you claim that to be the exact day
when you began to spend entire weeks
in a small bed in your dark apartment
made six months alaskan by some light-repellent curtains
that the former tenant left behind when he
built a raft and rode waves to an island
off the coast of nowhere and then smoothly
into his grave. these are
things to think about, but decidedly not relevant
to the results of your actions,
which you found in the drain of the shower
the day that your childhood ended
and have left unaltered
since then.
and when you do have to leave
you find yourself searching for soft spots
in the backs of the heads of everyone you meet
which is ultimately disappointing,
as all there is to uncover are very normal depictions
of long hoped for vacations, and the occasional
childhood tragedy which will
be the same for all that possess it.
so you retire those goggles to the
pool of water under your bed
and spend a fair twelve hours of every day
on drawing up some blueprints for escape,
some well planned wings and a manmade map
which is not quite exact.
and maybe in two years you could tie that
craft project to your back,
clutching your compass and estimation of gaps
between you and the golden sea
and set sail with your 5 quick tips
on how to fly and 3rd grade, slightly unremembered lessons
on swimming for when the wings
give out. and if the water cooperates
you might be able to maneuver
your now useless wings
into a flotation device
and ride the tops of the waves
on and away.
and though you fancy yourself a captain,
you'll have your fair fill of seasick
and wake up on an already sandy and solitary
shore
and the coast will be lined with graves
and many homemade rafts.
Author notes
you have made yourself lonely by always believing that you were alone
A contest entry
- solitary by formless.
800 points, ended March 20, 2009, 23 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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so you retire those goggles to the
pool of water under your bed
and spend a fair twelve hours of every day
on drawing up some blueprints for escape,
some well planned wings and a manmade map
which is not quite exact.
and maybe in two years you could tie that
craft project to your back,
clutching your compass and estimation of gaps
between you and the golden sea
and set sail with your 5 quick tips
on how to fly and 3rd grade, slightly unremembered lessons
on swimming for when the wings
give out.
- That chunk of the poem was simply marvelous, although the entire piece was well thought-out and very much capable of tugging at the strings of my mind, which it succeeded in doing so. Point blank; this is artistically spellbinding.
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thanks, i'm glad you like it
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very very good !!! love it!!!
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I just read alot of the critiques, and sincerely see you not only as a poet but an amazing writer. You have the gift.
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thank you so much, i'm entering this poem for a scholarship as we speak, so I hope the judges will think the same. thanks for reading
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profound! You are indeed an amazing writer!
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I keep reading this poem, it's so good.
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i love you. i want to write poetry like that. i really do.
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as for the title; something 'vessel' connected?
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it's jam-packed!
loads of good ideas in there, strung out with just as many filler-words that you could lose without losing the essence of what you're saying
eg;
told to invest
in a few friends, recalling
you used to have acquaintances
and came home to find
everyone you've ever known
had been inside, devouring
poetry and that sacred phrase
you dug out of your chest
last night.
I've edited it to omit the repetitive words; you only have to say something clearly once
I think if you go through the whole poem, editing out all the filler words, you'll still be left with a big chunky piece that maintains it's beat & ability to be rapped
I actually think once you start chanting it, you'll naturally want to drop some bits, to highlight other links already evident with how you've presented it here
btw; I love it
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thanks so much, your critique nearly mirrors the one my mentor gave me. I will definitely have to go and cut out those filler words, you're right. thanks again.
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wicked! that feeds my ego---I'm glad that you think I make sense
ps; I notice you state your age as 16---you're very talented for 16! [I don't mean to sound ageist, but the level of this poem is beyond 16 years of life experience---pointing to a priori knowledge that you're obviously aware of] -
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thanks so much, I think that is one of my favorite compliments to get because, honestly, I don't think much of 16 year olds myself, or their writing. I'd hate to think I am one! lol thanks so much
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the lead singer from Bow Wow Wow was only 15 when she went on tour with the Sex Pistols
some people are beyond their years
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If you give this a name I might come back and read it.
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Ok, my head is spinning with just this one line...
"made six months alaskan by some light-repellent curtains"
I'll have to return, but wanted to say, sorry you deleted that poem I liked so much.
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poem you like so much? which one?
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the second stanza is magic, but doesn't make sense with the rest of the piece. there is a certain lack of fluidity, not in thought (i think the ideas flow really well) but in structure.
the bit "and maybe in two years you could tie that
craft project to your back, clutching
your compass and estimation of gaps
between you and the golden sea
and set sail with your 5 quick tips
on how to fly and 3rd grade, slightly unremembered lessons
on swimming for when the wings
give out"
goes back and forth too much, the beginning of the lines all have small pauses before them, a hesitation (in the way that i am reading it) that makes that stanza flow really poorly.
i like the idea, and i really like the tone. you are escaping slowly from the idea of escape, and i think this is really unique. something nice and abstract would make a good title "return from the great escape"
or something really specific
"half a box of matches and no burning water"
you should expand of things like "the occasional
childhood tragedy " and "manmade map" with crude, sharp description. this poem needs to be dirtied up a little, it seems too much like a fable, rather than a fucked up story. i tend to enjoy fucked up things.
hm.
best of luck!
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you say "goes back and forth too much, the beginning of the lines all have small pauses before them, a hesitation (in the way that i am reading it) that makes that stanza flow really poorly."
I say "back and forth" like flotsam & jetsam? In that case it works, like the breakers of waves on the shore from the sea
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you're definitely right about it's lack of fluid structure and I really really really appreciate you critiquing this for me. if you ever write a bad poem i'll return the favor
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the poem doesn't have 'a lack of fluid structure', it has fluidity & structure obscured by too much scaffolding
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oh, and the title thing, i forgot. if this were my piece, i would call it "a requiem heard only by fish"... and while i wouldn't suggest using that title (i think you can come up with better)... maybe it'll give you an idea
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ahhhhhhh...
i completely disagree with the first two comments. i think the second stanza is by far the strongest part of the piece. which is, as a whole, amazing.
the end of the first stanza seems pretty wordy, although i love it. but this:
"these are
things to think about, but decidedly not relevant
to the predictions of the outcomes
of your decisions,
which you found in the drain of the shower
the day that your childhood ended
and have left unaltered
since then."
i think this section could be condensed a little bit, mostly to make it understandable on a first read-through (or maybe i'm just slow...)
ending is just gorgeous. i know you wanted more criticism, but i'm having a difficult time finding anything that's not great. my only suggestion is just to do some general revision to cut down on wordiness. i'm stunned/speechless...
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thanks nick. you are right on wordiness, of course. i'll try and fix this up some tomorrow.
and btw, I love your title suggestion
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i agree with acoustical on the second stanza.
though this is incredibly beautiful i got a bit lost in parts because it was so nonsensical.
trim it up and give it more motivation. -
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it does get a bit nonsensical, trimming is exactly what it needs. thanks
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i think the second long stanza needs more direction. it feels more nonsensical, rambling. perhaps that's just me.
your ending is potent, though.
i think "drowning" would be a possible title. i would go with something complicated myself, such as
"how to stay afloat a holy raft"
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or just 'How To Stay Afloat'
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