entangled: we are both my arms
and yours, radiating heat,
indefinably complete.
an electricity fills the air--
magnetism, only vaguely aware
of its presence, its charms.
undeniably, we belong here:
an atom of abandoned dredge
at the universe's edge,
in a world of intricate designs
wrought across the rotting spines
of our dead and dear.
muscles lengthen, then slack.
we lay; quiet energy courses,
a collection of invisible forces
that guide us on a preset road,
a chain of reaping what we sowed.
I quiver, pressed at your back
and for a moment, I feel fear
and swallow; our path lingers
on my mind. I feel your fingers
tracing along my hip bone
and let go of the unknown
to whisper love in your ear.
the present moment
is the only home I know.
I wait for my heart to slow,
breathe and plunge back into life,
leave behind thought and strife,
static as the soul's intent.
Author notes
rhyme, prompt- electric
I just used a simple rhyme scheme, ABBCCA.
for him
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Eight [Top 5] ~ Semi Final! by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended March 7, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
-
well done
"an atom of abandonded dredge", hell i wish i wrote that. strong use of timing and rhyme. a fleeting moment that like atlantis will just disappear from view. and all its' gold and jewels you will seek again and again never settling for the silver easily promissed, sought and attainable. highly sexual and romantic.
well done,
kevin o'connor/ui'connabhair
-
=))
-
You rhymed it so well I forgot it was rhymed in the first place! nice job! great write!
-
96
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
flow/meter(if required) 4/5
rhyming skills: 4/5
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 96
I've already given you my comment earlier, but you did a great job, as the rubric suggests.
-
96
Originality 10
Creativity/Poetic device 9
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 9
Impact/Reaction 9
flow/meter(if required) 5
rhyming skills: 4
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction: 5
syntax: 5
Title: 5
overall opinion: 5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
I really liked this one.
-
94
Originality10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 9/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
flow/meter(if required) 4/5
rhyming skills: 4/5
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 100
I have no comments. The rubric shall suffice.
Laura
-
Really enjoyed this. The content, the flow and rhyme are all excellent. Wish you luck
-
Very easy flowing, and yet it seems this would be a good entry into your own about cages.
I shall see to it that I read more of your work.
Well penned.
-
I enjoyed this. What I like about this is that it seems free, like free verse, yet you stayed within the restrictions of the rhyme scheme - while still conveying your emotions effectively within the poem.
I think it would've been better with a consistent syllable count though.
Even with that note set aside, what you have here is great. And for me, it flowed and worked overall.
-
-
it rolls better if you just read the bigger words
-
-
i really like your rhyming skills. i haven't read you rhyme really and this is excellent. the rhyme is so good that it doesn't even feel like rhyming it just feels natural and unforced like the words just happen to rhyme. the imagery is beautifully done and the last stanza i really identify with "the present moment is the only home i know." so true. at least i strive for that to be true.
-
This is BEAUTIFUL, perfectly worded.
-
This brought tears to my eyes. thank you.
<3 -
and for a moment, I feel fear
and swallow; our path lingers
on my mind. I feel your fingers
tracing along my hip bone
and let go of the unknown
to whisper love in your ear.
wow.
Adding your comment:
1 - 14 of 14
