I Can

My whole life
I have been told that I can do anything
Be whoever I want to be
Do whatever I want to do…
…As long as it followed their guidelines
Remaining within the bounds of staying
A good little southern Baptist girl
They say they’re proud of me no matter what
But I always saw the disappointment in their eyes
So I set my standards higher
Craving the praise and satisfaction
That poured from them when I succeeded
But my confidence waned
And I began to doubt myself
I became a shell
Absentmindedly exceeding
And feigning the same emotions mirrored in their faces
All the time by brain screaming at me
putting me down, phrase by phrase
“You’re not good enough”
“You call that a drawing?”
“Ha, another lowly B, what a failure”
Etcetera
I believed myself
Finding my mouth saying
“I don’t know if I can”
“I could have done it better”
“I’m not good at that”
“I can’t”
I brushed away complements
Denied my skill
Getting deeper into the hole
As I lay crying
Alone in my little pity party
I decided to change
Decided to no longer live for the world around me
I was going to live for me
Throw caution, doubt, and regret into the wind
Freeing my weighed-down soul
To start again
Once again believing in my abilities
And trusting my intuition
Beginning to start telling myself
“I am good at that”
“I’ve done my best”
“I’m so proud of myself”
“I will pursue my dream
“I am who I am”
“I don’t need their expectations”
“I CAN do it”
“I believe in me”