You opened your mouth
Laying your tongue like the moon over water:
Inviting the lushness of her.
The bed that you raced upon, panting,
Broke like the spine of a storm, pinning
Us both to her sighs.
Too steady, too slow,
I prowled at the edge of the emptied sheets,
The jumbled embers of sunset,
And howled.
Tomorrow, you will grow poppies
And I will cover the plains with corn.
As my hands guide the tractor
You, too, will harvest a field of gold:
The hairs that wave on her younger skin
But, as I lay seed for another season,
You will fade from her blossoming youth:
Old man: full moon
To faintest crescent.
Each legion of pensioners
Gives up its passion to death:
Addict of dreams, alone in the queue,
You will remember something I wrote
And I, nothing you said.
Author notes
Poem used as prompt: "You will hear thunder" by Anna Akhmatova.
http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/9470-Anna-Akhmatova-You-Will-Hear-Thunder
A contest entry
- Make Them Smile- great Old Poet inspiration by Peteskid.
2000 points, ended March 15, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Very nice ...
and very nicely done. I scarcely feel up to reading nowadays so it's nice to find something that can hold my attention.
Good luck in the contest.
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Particularly powerful --and suitable-- ending! The pain of folly is felt more severely by the one who "howled," not only for loss of trust forever but for destruction of many kinds. There is no returning when all is lost.
Prompt: what would I change? The loss? No, then there would be no poem!
Thought-provoking poem.
Good luck.
Terry
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well done
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nicely written
and dripping with intensity...good job, and good luck in the contest! thank you for sharing this with us!
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Beautifully and potently worded. This is something we all seemingly encounter and endure in these "modern times", as if it is the stuff of whim to expect a partner to be faithful and committed ... as if the wronged one may be judged as having too high an expectation (though nine times out of ten if the boot were on the other foot ...). Something I have found, in both primary and secondary senses where cheats are concerned, is that they at some point will be cheated on by someone, and find themselves reflecting, suddenly finding an empathy with the one they themselves once wronged. Of course there's the other side of the coin, in which case they don't find that empathy, and instead milk pity and self pity forevermore for their own hurts.
Extremely well-written, Pastiche. May it place well in the contest.
Best wishes,
Stuart
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very well done. thank you for sharing this with me today. i wish you well in this contest that you have entered and am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Wow... again, I'm stunned into speechlessness.
I feel like an idiot when I read your work, because I don't know how to properly respond to it. You leave me fumbling for words.
What else can be added to this? Other than, perhaps, that a younger woman chooses to love an older man sometimes. Somtimes it's what makes her happy or is best for her.
Your metaphors and imagery were exquisite!
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You have picked a powerful poem by Anna Akhmatova lines that ring in the memory like the stormy imagery she used there; and this poem finds a wonderful reflection of the idea described in the OP comment, and the lesson given, and the lessons learned are opposite sides of the coin, or sides of time the rising new day, the somber side of night...I think this, especially the closing line, would bring a smile. Very well done, rich verses,a strong voice, some wonderful depth and meaning. Thank you for this fine entry into the contest and best of luck in the judging...PK
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WOW I'm speechless.
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dense, layered
wonderful imagery and, in my view, spectacular use of language ....
the bed that you raced upon
prowled at the edge of emptied sheets
Good luck in the contest.
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