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Dead Standing

A smile, a laugh
A blush, a giggle
A heart, a knife
A world shattered.
A love engraved
No blame, but stays
Leaves a poor soul
Broken and battered
Questions asked,
But never answered
Time cannot heal all wounds
As if it even mattered
To one who hurts them
So much, so deeply
Does he really care or find it ludicrous?
Then answer, I'm afraid, seems to be the latter
And the pain will go on
Yes, it shall continue
To fold itself into the crevices of a cracked being
And even though unwanted, he'll always have her
Why does she feel the hurt, the pain so deep?
The dead tree sways on among the lively oaks
Always dead standing until it one day may fall
'Fall?' you ask? Or would it rather
Remain standing dead and alone among the green leaves that haunt her.

Author notes

Yes, I know the words 'a' and 'among' are both used repetitively, but that was how it was intended. Why? When you think of the word 'a' you think of something single. You think of it by itself, or being alone. When you see the word 'among,' you think of other things surrounding something. You think of something being around others. And so this was meant to symbolize being alone even while you're surrounded by others.


Also, help on title would be much appreciated as well as critical reviews please!

With love and thanks,
Lexie =)



Oh and for the contest that wants rhyme, you can't see it at first so here's the rhyme scheme (Also, hope you don't mind, it's mostly ending rhyme, not necessarily full rhyme so sorry if that was what you were looking for) :

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
D
H
I
J
D
K
L
M
D
N
O
P
D
Q
R
S
D
D

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • trekkergirl
    March 29

    Edit | Reply
    hummm not much I can say other than this is a little long for my tastes. I think that perhaps you could break it up into stanza's that would make it appear less long. Thanks for sharing this with us.


  • honey bear
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    thank you for entering with this very interesting piece, good luck in the contest


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    March 10

    Edit | Reply
    A very interesting and origional poem, it was a little hard for me to grasp at first but that could just be me, I'm a little slow sometimes. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.


  • stargazer.
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    Originality: (8/10)
    Emotion: (7/10)
    Poetic devices: (13/20)
    Structure/flow: (9/10)
    Cohension: (8/10)
    Title relating to poem: (7/10)
    Personal opinion: (8/10)
    Syntax: (7/10)
    Diction: (8/10)

    Total:75/100

  • Nicole Hanna
    March 2
    Edit | Reply
    .


  • Black Wolf
    March 2

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting write. thank you for entering my contest. I believe it may be written in the notes if you were trying to please or tick me off. I truely would like to kno so i can look at the poem from diffrent points of view.


  • Sweet-Sins
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    hey this is rely good- i enjoyed it
    xxxx maybe u shud name it Poor Soul... as a suggestion ?

1 - 8 of 8