Hidden
behind foliage of tendrils
lie ancient bricks of red
and history
etched in stone.
Boundless sways of red
white
and blue;
the flag's colours unfurled
to mark out victories past.
There shall lay the fallen
from ancient battles won
whose cries echo still
over hallowed turf.
Hanging in the air
as a ghost’s fleeting tribute
to cups raised high and to days
when defeat
tasted as bitter as hell itself.
Carried aloft
on our aching shoulders.
Let them rest now
and be remembered
there...
amongst the vines
forever
~*~
Author notes
Beyond the Vines
http://beyondthevines.net/mediacoverage.aspx
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
i really liked the imagery in this poem it showed such a clear picture, i could almost taste the feelings you where trying to portray the language was beautiful and precise right on target i espiscially loved the way you used the word hallow , i dont know why it just struck me as perfect,
thanx, xx kt
-
Yes.
-
Yes.
-
I enjoyed the sentiment of the poem and am beginning to think I should have given this contest a miss. Hope you enjoyed writing it as much as I enjoyed reading it, which is what poetry is for.
-
Yes
The repetition of "red" wasn't good.
The only image I cared for was the opening and that is the main reason why I'm voting yes. The rest of it was completely average.
Next time, basically all of your poem is going to have to be very good. A poem like this will not get you to Top 21.
Your line breaking is one of the positive things about this though. That is another reason I said yes.
If you can come up with creative ideas, then you may find yourself in the Top 21, the next stage beyond Boot Camp.
I think it is good that you were willing to try free verse, considering you rhymed in your audition. I prefer what you have here compared to your audition poem. And your willingness to try new things will benefit you in the contest, and, besides the fact what you have here is a huge improvement compared to the audition, this is the final reason I'm saying yes.
Show more creativity and meaningful imagery next time with the same level of line breaking skills, or better. There's no doubt in my mind you have potential, that is if you take my advice.
What you have here is good though.
-
Mentor Comments
Firstly, left-aligned is the prefered formatting of your judges. Secondly, capitalisation at the start of each line will lose points when the piece is graded. I can show you how to prevent this though by using appropriate line-breaks and punctuation.
My suggestions are as follows:
Hidden behind foliage
of tendrils
lie ancient bricks
of red
and history
etched in stone
boundless sways
of red, white and blue--
where flags unfurl
to mark victories past
and where lay
the fallen
from ancient battles won.
Those cries still echo
over hallowed turf
and hang in air
as ghostly tributes
to cups raised high
and to days
when defeat tasted
as bitter
as hell itself
and we carried them aloft
on aching shoulders.
Let them rest now
and be remembered
there...
amongst the vines,
forever.
You'll notice that the line-breaking not only dictates the flow to your readers, it also adds emphasis to certain parts of the write. Usually, when we wish to emphasise a word/line/segment etc. we use that word as the first one or last one of the sentence.
You're not forced to take my suggestions onboard...they are only my opinion.
Laura -
Hey, this one is good! I guess the revised line-breaking did the trick... it sounds awesome!
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
