The storm is over, damage done
It looks like mother nature won
The twister struck, our house is gone
Puddles cover the front lawn
Had no time to even worry,
Hit us like pure wind of fury
“What was that?” My brother asked.
But by then the twister passed
It was all over, in a blur
Our hearts placed where our throats once were
But finally sunshine arrives
We pray to God for all our lives
I look outside, it’s a new day
Everything in disarray
The roof is gone, across the street
This tornado had us beat
Author notes
I used the puddles promt. I made it longer, i knew 3 stanzas was too short, but i was being lazy XD
change two...
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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No.
Your rhyming skills simply aren't mature enough yet, although you have your rhythm nearly sorted. Practise your end-rhymes and you'll get there
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No.
I ditto Tyler. But thank you for participating.
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No
I don't think you're ready for the contest, based on this poem.
But thank you for being on my team. I appreciate it, regardless of the outcome.
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For a start, this isn't bad.
I would suggest a consistent syllable count per line.
Also, perhaps rework this in some spots to give the tornado a metaphorical meaning. You were too literal for my personal taste.
Say you left it like this, there's no way you'd make it to the second week of boot camp.
But that's why I'm here.
Take my suggestions & let me know when you've done some edits.
Or, you have the option of ignoring me & doing whatever you want. lol
But like I said, what you have here is a good start.
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Thanks for the suggestions, i made some changes,
I looked at the syllable count and all the lines except for about 2 hade te same number, so do you just not think that it has a good flow? -
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stanza 3, line 2: that's where the flow went off.
the "bad card" idea was kind of cheesy. Same thing with the quote at the end.
Improve those spots and I'll come back.
This is better than what you originally had.
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gahh
i still don't see anything wrong with the flow... it might look off becuase it just has a bunch of one-syllable words, but its the same amount...
and i will remove the 'cheesy' stanza -
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Yeah, it seemed wordy, that's why it threw off the flow for me. I'd suggest editing that.
I'd also suggest dedicating a stanza to what was going on when the tornado hit. What it sounded like, etc. Use some simile and metaphor -- to make imagery.
I'm just not sure if what you have here will be enough to earn a "Yes" from the two other judges.
You're going to have be more creative with how you describe this incident...hence my suggestion to be more descriptive of when the tornado hit.
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